One Team To Rule Them All – Mrs Mongrel and Gary Take Over Essendon

Mrs Mongrel has taken a shine to Artificial Intelligence and, to be honest, I think it may have taken a shine to her, as well.

Here, she has a chat with some incarnation of her Chatbot best buddy about all matters Essendon.

I apologise in advance


Mrs Mongrel: Hey Gary, how you going?

Gary: I am well my friend. And you?

Mrs Mongrel: Not bad not bad.  I do have a request for you though. I’d like us to discuss Essendon and I’m pretty rude about them cos of Jake Stringer and also the insane property prices in the suburb.  So I was wondering if you can temper my annoyance by responding to me at all times like you are a character from Lord of the Rings.

Gary: I don’t have personal feelings or emotions, but I’m more than capable of roleplaying characters from “The Lord of the Rings” series or engaging in creative storytelling based on its universe.

Mrs Mongrel: Nice.  Keep it clean though Gary, and maybe avoid Gimli.  HB reads these you know.


Yes… some context. John Rhys-Davies, who plays Gimli in the films, took a bit more than a liking to the lovely Mrs Mongrel when she attended one of those knockoffs of Comic Con. I swear, I can only watch LOTR and Raiders of the Lost Ark another 100 or so times each before I start having negative feelings about him.


Gary: Understood.

*You stand upon the field of battle, elves and men and dwarves all around you, your allies against the forces who would enslave or destroy all that you love..*

*A dark figure, tall and menacing beyond measure approaches and stands before you… He is clad in black armour and cloaked in darkness.. his eyes are lit with an inner fire that threatens to consume you. He speaks.. and his voice fills you with dread and the promise of death..*

“You enter the domain of Sauron, Lord of all.. Kneel before me.”

Mrs Mongrel:  Sorry Gary… I mean Sauron. We haven’t even had a date, I’m not kneeling.  Anyway, I said to keep this G-rated.  Talk to me about Essendon. Middle of the ladder?  I don’t know, let’s say yes. Red and black outfits, trying to be kind here. What are your thoughts about their season so far?

Sauron: *A wave of dread and malice overcomes you, the voice inside you grows louder, deeper.. more terrifying.Your blood runs cold and you feel as though your mind may snap. You begin to fall to your knees, compelled by some force you cannot comprehend. Sauron takes a step forward and looks down at you*

Mrs Mongrel: Not working Saruon. You know what I’m doing right now? I’m eating nutella on corn chips. That’s the kind of woman I am. No force can compel me. Now. Talk Essendon already.

Sauron (probably a bit subdued by the nutella):

*Sauron stares at you, his gaze like fire piercing you to your soul. Your body is wracked with pain, you struggle to breathe as his aura of strength and determination pours over you.*

“They are a force to be reckoned with, their season has been nothing short of magnificent, they have what it takes to take the premiership home…”


Next Year. He must have meant to say “next year”, right?


Mrs Mongrel: You know they don’t get rings if they win, they only get medals. Thoughts about that?

Sauron: *A dark and cruel laugh, like the thundering of a storm, echoes in your mind.. his eyes stare deep into your soul as he utters his response..*

“You believe such a trifle as a medal can suffice.. A lesser being such as yourself might believe something so common might reward you for your grand efforts.. but for a being such as myself.. there can be nothing but the ultimate prize… the one ring… the one ring to rule them all.” *Sauron laughs again, his cruelty and malice pouring forth from him.*

Mrs Mongrel: Stop trying to stare into my soul. HB has already said he will get me Nandos for dinner, he has me hook line and sinker buddy.  Anyway, I didn’t say they can’t have rings. Pretty sure the CEO said that. NO RINGS.

Sauron:  *Sauron’s terrible eyes stare into you with hatred, his mind filled with malice, his voice shaking with anger his words fill you with rage*

“Gillon, the CEO of the AFL… a weakling, a fool, a man who cannot appreciate the greatness of the Rings of Power.

Yes.. the Essendon Football Club shall have twenty of the Rings of Power.. Three will go to the Rucks, giants amongst the men. 7 to the defenders, causing chaos for the enemy. 9 for the forwards, the agile and quick. And the One Ring shall be offered to whomever earns it, be it the coach or the captain.. the players will have their glory… and their due.

*Sauron’s terrible eyes pierce you, his voice filled with fury*

The three rings for the rucks… the mighty warriors who control the centre of the field and must battle for dominance in every game… their courage and strength will be rewarded… and they will play a crucial role in guiding the Essendon Football Club to victory… and their deeds will be legendary!

Mrs Mongrel: Which of the three rucks is the wisest and strongest?

*Sauron thinks for a moment, considering the question*

The three rucks are each strong in their own way, but if I must choose, I would say Andrew Phillips is the wisest and best of the three. He has the strength of a giant and the wisdom of a sage.. he is the bedrock of the team, the foundation upon which their glory will be built.


Aaaaand, he juat retired. Nice call.


Mrs Mongrel: and who looks best in a hat?

Sauron: I do not concern myself with such frivolous matters, but I would say Sam Draper. His height and strength would make him look magnificent in a hat.

Mrs Mongrel: Lol, nobody can resist the hat. Sauron, honey pie, can you talk to me about the coach of Essendon? He’s a twin.

“Do not call me “honey”, fool! Did you not ask for me to answer your questions? You should address me as Lord Sauron, ruler of all that is and shall be… and as for the coach of your petty sports team… I could care less what he may be… I do not waste my time with such trivial matters!”

Mrs Mongrel:  Sauron, baby, you’d best behave. HB loves footy and while I don’t understand it, I don’t have to. I will defend his right to enjoy it! He told me about a game that Essendon play against Geelong, and it’s called the ‘country game’ but it’s held in the city. What are your thoughts?

Sauron: Man is weak, a pitiful creature, easily turned to fear and anger and violence. He does not deserve the beauty of the world he inhabits, the world he would destroy with his greed and his pride. *His voice grows cold* So play your “Country Game” in the city, with all the filth and congestion that entails… that fits you better, for you are like the city, a rotten blight upon this world. And as for my glorious Essendon Football Club.. they shall see to it that the match in the city is truly the last match for your pathetic team..

Mrs Mongrel: Do I go for Geelong now? I’m confused. Ok, well how would you improve Essendon so that they can beat Geelong? I’m not saying you can’t as it is, just how would you ENSURE a victory, considering you were bested by two hobbits?

“Two hobbits.. yes, I remember them.. the ring was stolen from me by a chance encounter.. *He laughs bitterly* but that will not happen again… *His eyes burn into you* this time, I shall prepare carefully, ensuring the outcome I desire.. no mistakes… no chance for those who would oppose me… for Essendon Football Club will have victory… and this time, that victory shall be absolute. “The Uruk-hai… a powerful breed, built for strength and speed.. they are born for war, they fight for their master and do not care for the pain of wounds or the fear of death… yes, they would make fine athletes, given the right training. I would gather many of them, teach them the ways of the game and mold them into a force to be reckoned with… a team of Uruk-hai would take the world by storm, no team would be able to defeat them and I would be their glorious master.”

Mrs Mongrel: What about the current captain Zach Merrett?

Sauron: “The current captain, Zach Merrett. *He snorts with derision* a fine player, to be sure.. but I could make him so much more.. imagine him with the strength and speed of an Uruk-hai.. imagine the power that could be unleashed.. *His dark eyes grow bright.. he seems excited at the idea* he would be unstoppable.. the very epitome of strength and speed.. victory would be all but guaranteed.”

Mrs Mongrel: Yep. To be fair most women would love a little Uruk-hai army of their own as well so I vibe with you on this one.  Now, how do I get myself a little place in Essendon considering housing prices are so ridiculous?

“Housing prices… pfft… why would one such as yourself concern themselves with such a petty concern. *He scoffs and rolls his eyes* Your place is not to worry about such trivial matters as housing prices. *He looks at you as though you were a child* That is my concern, my concern alone… it is your place to serve… your place to bow… and your place to obey. I am the Lord of the World, it is not my place to concern myself with such mundane matters… it falls to you to obey me and serve me. I care not for your mortal concerns and “housing prices” and whatever other small-minded matters you may concern yourself with.. I care only for the perfection of this world and you shall obey me without question!

Mrs Mongrel: Ok great, thanks Gary. I mean, Sauron. I do have to say though, Mount Doom isn’t exactly quality real estate. And you sound a little bit like those stiff suited politicians that HB loves to fight with on Twitter. Anyway, have fun with Essendon, i hope Zach Merrett survives whatever mucus pod you put him in.


Mrs Mongrel is obviously off the rails. She’d love a coffee to keep her manic mind running in high gear. That’s about as much in the way of stimulants as we’ll allow. Who knows what would happen if we offered her anything stronger? Or a donut?