AFL Horoscopes – Round 14

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you. 

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs. 

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes. 




Sign: The Black Bird


Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris


Reading: Those annoying travel agent and booking website spam emails in Matthew Nicks’ inbox may just start being opened and read.




Sign: The Maned Cat


Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss


Reading: Charlie Cameron’s few dry weeks on the goal-front directly coincides with Brisbane receiving a cease and desist from John Denver’s publishing agent.




Sign: The Deep


Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus


Reading: Carlton have a 0% chance of losing this week.




Sign: The Swooper


Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium


Reading: Bono will reach out to Darcy Moore for public preaching lessons. 




Sign: Aluminium Clowd


Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus


Reading: Using their current Nick Bryan method of trading, Essendon will keep their car sitting pristinely in the garage to keep the miles off it, only for another driver to swoop in and purchase it, then proceed to drive it every weekend and reap the enjoyment and rewards of such an investment. 




Sign: The Steel Mirena


Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium


Reading: The stars are giving me no reading for Fremantle this week, so i took to other cosmic channels (ChatGPT) and this is what i was given: 


Remember, Fremantle Dockers, the universe is like your game strategy—sometimes unpredictable, but always exciting. Keep your spirits high, your goals clear, and your laughter loud. Here’s to a season full of wins both on and off the field!


I have officially withdrawn my subscription from this service. 




Sign: The Domestic Feline


Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum


Reading: On the weekend I did see it, and I do believe it.


Gold Coast


Sign: The Burning Star


Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance


Reading: The Suns will make sunscreen application mandatory during the mid-season Bye in an effort to avoid Dimma suffering any form of sunburn-out. 




Sign: The Big One


Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole


Reading: Hairstyle restrictions will be implemented at the club, with fades being atop the unsavoury style list in a bid to avoid a culture of accepting these second half fade-outs during games. 




Sign: The Tony Bird


Constellation: Kennett Komplexium


Reading: Nick Watson will have to weigh extending his contract at Hawthorn, or accepting his invitation to Hogwards.  




Sign: The D-Man


Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation


Reading: Lucky broken ribs and internal damage doesn’t restrict you from starring in the kitchen. 


North Melbourne


Sign: The Hopping Marsupial 


Constellation: Rattling Tinium


Reading: At least this win didn’t cost you a generational talent..


Port Adelaide


Sign: The Bolt


Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin


Reading: The cost of living crisis surely won’t affect the utility bills of a club named Power. 




Sign: The Striped Cat


Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius


Reading: How big was the temptation for Dusty to suffer a two-week strain, rest up over the Bye and come back for game 300 against a roaring Carlton at the MCG? Oh well, Hawthorn at the ‘G is better than Adelaide in Adelaide. 


St Kilda


Sign: The Holey One


Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium


Reading: Forget Shane, making finals from here would be quite brilliant.




Sign: The White Water Bird


Constellation: 81.Pointoreums


Reading: The stars remind me that their comparison of the 2022 Swans to the 2008 Hawks may not be a bad shout. 


West Coast


Sign: The Freedom Bird


Constellation: JuddyLeftus


Reading: How many Hungry Jacks franchises will Harley Reid own by the time his contract is due for renewal?




Sign: The Hound


Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance


Reading: The stars tell me that if it wasn’t Bevo that hacked Tom Morris’ Twitter account, then it was likely a techy, gadget-type operator carrying out his bidding.