For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Those annoying travel agent and booking website spam emails in Matthew Nicks’ inbox may just start being opened and read.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Charlie Cameron’s few dry weeks on the goal-front directly coincides with Brisbane receiving a cease and desist from John Denver’s publishing agent.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Carlton have a 0% chance of losing this week.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Bono will reach out to Darcy Moore for public preaching lessons.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Using their current Nick Bryan method of trading, Essendon will keep their car sitting pristinely in the garage to keep the miles off it, only for another driver to swoop in and purchase it, then proceed to drive it every weekend and reap the enjoyment and rewards of such an investment.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: The stars are giving me no reading for Fremantle this week, so i took to other cosmic channels (ChatGPT) and this is what i was given:
Remember, Fremantle Dockers, the universe is like your game strategy—sometimes unpredictable, but always exciting. Keep your spirits high, your goals clear, and your laughter loud. Here’s to a season full of wins both on and off the field!
I have officially withdrawn my subscription from this service.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: On the weekend I did see it, and I do believe it.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The Suns will make sunscreen application mandatory during the mid-season Bye in an effort to avoid Dimma suffering any form of sunburn-out.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Hairstyle restrictions will be implemented at the club, with fades being atop the unsavoury style list in a bid to avoid a culture of accepting these second half fade-outs during games.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Nick Watson will have to weigh extending his contract at Hawthorn, or accepting his invitation to Hogwards.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Lucky broken ribs and internal damage doesn’t restrict you from starring in the kitchen.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: At least this win didn’t cost you a generational talent..
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: The cost of living crisis surely won’t affect the utility bills of a club named Power.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: How big was the temptation for Dusty to suffer a two-week strain, rest up over the Bye and come back for game 300 against a roaring Carlton at the MCG? Oh well, Hawthorn at the ‘G is better than Adelaide in Adelaide.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Forget Shane, making finals from here would be quite brilliant.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: The stars remind me that their comparison of the 2022 Swans to the 2008 Hawks may not be a bad shout.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: How many Hungry Jacks franchises will Harley Reid own by the time his contract is due for renewal?
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: The stars tell me that if it wasn’t Bevo that hacked Tom Morris’ Twitter account, then it was likely a techy, gadget-type operator carrying out his bidding.