The Completely Non-Offensive AFL – Part One


We now live in a world where everything is put under the microscope. A comment here, or a slip up there, and the always-offended in the footy world are baying for blood.

I’ve experienced it, myself, at the lower end of the scale, and only for very minor things, but they’re out there… always watching, always waiting to tell you how wrong you are, how dated your opinion is, and how you should think just like them. Because that’s really what it’s about – people getting their own way. Conform, or feel the wrath of the most righteous!

However, in the wake of the regular suspects frothing at the mouth to take revenge against the family of a player over the weekend, I thought maybe I’d smarten up and fly right, lest the same vitriol befall me. Whilst others demanded Alastair Clarkson be suspended for using a term that is apparently now homophobic – it rhymes with “sock tucker” – I thought that maybe it was about time I jumped on board and started getting bent out of shape about things that had the potential to upset people, as well. Gotta fit in. Gotta win those brownie points.

Am I allowed to say brownie points? 

As I reside at the cutting edge of footy coverage, it is incumbent on me to not only join in on this shift in culture, but to lead it, right? I mean, if some nameless bozo on reddit thinks something is offensive and demands action be taken to immediately rectify the situation, they must be correct! It’s high time to jump on board with the lunacy and help them run the sport into the ground.

And so, with this in mind, I have run a fine-tooth comb over all 18 clubs to find aspects of their clubs that I now deem to be offensive on behalf of others. I demand that these aspects be changed immediately, or I will stamp my feet, hold my breath, and basically act like an entitled child until they are.

And if they aren’t… oh boy, well you just better watch out, because I will post some pretty nasty memes about it.

And on that note, here are the offensive aspects of the first nine clubs in this sexist, racist, homophobic, and out of touch league.

Each week during the season, HB’s features, as well as regular columns, and some of our game reviews are restricted for our members.  You can join if you want to.


As mentioned above, this is one of the members’ columns for the week. I believe my work is worth twenty-five cents per day. If you don’t, that’s fine. You’re welcome to join and keep reading if you do.