For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and aligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Numerous Adelaide players will have their tax returns audited – the AFL may not review their scoring incomes correctly, but the tax man sure does.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Hardcore vegan protesters will glue themselves to the turf at the Gabba as a sign of defiance against the Lions home ground being referred to as the “Gabbatoir”.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Carlton premiership players will be licking their lips at the opportunity to replace some of their caravan and 4×4 superannuation withdrawals with abundant finals time sportsman night cashies.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Unlike the St Kilda fiasco with Jack and Missy Higgins, Collingwood will fully support a gaf that labels an inaccurate Jamie Elliot as Missy Elliott.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Jake Stringer will be the first to reject an offer from Kane Cornes to appear on his newest television show. (see Port Adelaide’s HorrorScope)
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: The lack of security cameras at the Dockers headquarters goes hand in hand with the lack of silverware to steal.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Joel Selwood will come into really hard financial times, but it’s ok, because Cats always land on their feet.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The stars are still trying to determine whether Dimma has found any soul at Heritage Bank Stadium yet.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Toby Bedford should have worn a Carlton polo to the tribunal and an appeal would have been unnecessary.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Collectors of obscure sporting memorabilia were disappointed to learn that their purchase of Dipper’s Box was not in fact Robert Dipierdomenico’s cricket groin guard, but actually a selection of chicken, gravy and dipping sauces from KFC.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Those who avidly avoid Melbourne’s star player will continue to gain Trac-shun.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: North Melbourne will wheel out Dennis Denudo to justify to the rest of the league that they deserve a priority pick because of the vibe of the thing.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Kane Cornes will be announced as the inaugural host of the upcoming hit TV series ‘The Fatchelor’ – a reality sensation that will see Cornes find common ground amidst a horde of overweight footballers, eventually crowning the winning player with a red rose and a gym membership.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Richmond’s catering service are ecstatic at the opportunity to serve more food than just sausages a thousand different ways.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Jack Billings will be traded for having the audacity to rock up to training with a 10-pack of Red Rooster nuggets with no gravy, and just regular nuggets. No cheesy nuggets. Sacrilege.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Chad Warner will be the talk of the town for rocking up to training with a Hickey on his neck. Unfortunately for Chad, walking into training with a retiring ruckman on his neck will cause a ligament strain that may delay his preseason.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: The phone number one-three-double-oh-six-triple-five-oh-six will be redundant to West Coast if they pass up on drafting Harley Reid. After already missing out on Two Metre Peter, the Reid-ing, Wright-ing hotline will be of no use to the Eagles.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: A crowded elevator would smell very different for Caleb Daniel.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
