Finals Week Two Horoscopes

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and aligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.





Sign: The Black Bird

Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris


Reading: Numerous Adelaide players will have their tax returns audited – the AFL may not review their scoring incomes correctly, but the tax man sure does.






Sign: The Maned Cat

Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss


Reading: Hardcore vegan protesters will glue themselves to the turf at the Gabba as a sign of defiance against the Lions home ground being referred to as the “Gabbatoir”.





Sign: The Deep

Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus


Reading: Carlton premiership players will be licking their lips at the opportunity to replace some of their caravan and 4×4 superannuation withdrawals with abundant finals time sportsman night cashies.





Sign: The Swooper

Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium


Reading: Unlike the St Kilda fiasco with Jack and Missy Higgins, Collingwood will fully support a gaf that labels an inaccurate Jamie Elliot as Missy Elliott.





Sign: Aluminium Clowd

Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus


Reading: Jake Stringer will be the first to reject an offer from Kane Cornes to appear on his newest television show. (see Port Adelaide’s HorrorScope)





Sign: The Steel Mirena

Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium


Reading: The lack of security cameras at the Dockers headquarters goes hand in hand with the lack of silverware to steal.





Sign: The Domestic Feline

Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum


Reading: Joel Selwood will come into really hard financial times, but it’s ok, because Cats always land on their feet.



Gold Coast


Sign: The Burning Star

Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance


Reading: The stars are still trying to determine whether Dimma has found any soul at Heritage Bank Stadium yet.





Sign: The Big One

Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole


Reading: Toby Bedford should have worn a Carlton polo to the tribunal and an appeal would have been unnecessary.





Sign: The Tony Bird 

Constellation: Kennett Komplexium


Reading: Collectors of obscure sporting memorabilia were disappointed to learn that their purchase of Dipper’s Box was not in fact Robert Dipierdomenico’s cricket groin guard, but actually a selection of chicken, gravy and dipping sauces from KFC.





Sign: The D-Man

Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation


Reading: Those who avidly avoid Melbourne’s star player will continue to gain Trac-shun.



North Melbourne


Sign: The Hopping Marsupial

Constellation: Rattling Tinium


Reading: North Melbourne will wheel out Dennis Denudo to justify to the rest of the league that they deserve a priority pick because of the vibe of the thing.



Port Adelaide


Sign: The Bolt

Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin


Reading: Kane Cornes will be announced as the inaugural host of the upcoming hit TV series ‘The Fatchelor’ – a reality sensation that will see Cornes find common ground amidst a horde of overweight footballers, eventually crowning the winning player with a red rose and a gym membership.





Sign: The Striped Cat

Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius


Reading: Richmond’s catering service are ecstatic at the opportunity to serve more food than just sausages a thousand different ways.



St Kilda


Sign: The Holey One

Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium


Reading: Jack Billings will be traded for having the audacity to rock up to training with a 10-pack of Red Rooster nuggets with no gravy, and just regular nuggets. No cheesy nuggets. Sacrilege.





Sign: The White Water Bird

Constellation: 81.Pointoreums


Reading: Chad Warner will be the talk of the town for rocking up to training with a Hickey on his neck. Unfortunately for Chad, walking into training with a retiring ruckman on his neck will cause a ligament strain that may delay his preseason.



 West Coast


Sign: The Freedom Bird

Constellation: JuddyLeftus


Reading: The phone number one-three-double-oh-six-triple-five-oh-six will be redundant to West Coast if they pass up on drafting Harley Reid. After already missing out on Two Metre Peter, the Reid-ing, Wright-ing hotline will be of no use to the Eagles.





Sign: The Hound

Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance


Reading: A crowded elevator would smell very different for Caleb Daniel.



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