AFL Austrology – Round 13

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.

 

 

Adelaide

 

Sign: The Black Bird

 

Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris

 

Reading: The stars are telling me that Adelaide are pondering a forced change this week – Doedee have a player that can replace whoever this may be?

 

 

Brisbane

 

Sign: The Maned Cat

 

Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss

 

Reading: Things will be tense between Chris Fagan and his opposition side this week – the stars point towards a specific incident, perhaps he was swooped by a hawk as a child?

 

 

Carlton

 

Sign: The Deep

 

Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus

 

Reading: Patrick Cripps will stay in a boutique hotel once again so that his room number can’t be linked to all of his late night talkback radio calls.

 

 

Collingwood

 

Sign: The Swooper

 

Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium

 

Reading: The stars tell me that Jordan de Goey is not a certainty to play in the Monarch’s Birthday game this round. Why? I couldn’t be certain. Perhaps he comes down with a mystery illness.. in that case, i would recommend investing in a high quality dressing gown, and resting up for a few weeks.

 

 

Essendon

 

Sign: Aluminium Clowd

 

Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus

 

Reading: Groundskeeper Willie is set for a severe reprimand for his overuse of Roundup and other herbicides at the Hangar. What else could explain why the Weids just aren’t prospering?

 

 

 

Fremantle

 

Sign: The Steel Mirena

 

Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium

 

Reading: A miscommunication over lunch will see Nat Fyfe accidentally sign a contract extension, when he was in fact ordering corn, and demanded two ears.

 

 

Geelong

 

Sign: The Domestic Feline

 

Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum

 

Reading: Disney will launch a formal investigation into why the AFL allowed a Geelong player to dress as Batman – the flagship superhero of Marvel’s biggest rival company DC, at Marvel Stadium on the weekend.

 

 

Gold Coast

 

Sign: The Burning Star

 

Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance

 

Reading: The stars tell me that there is no bigger certainty than the Suns avoiding a loss this week.

 

 

GWS

 

Sign: The Big One

 

Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole

 

Reading: The Giants will change their fortunes to be consistent when Vin Diesel changes his name to Vin Electric to combat climate change.

 

 

Hawthorn

 

Sign: The Tony Bird

 

Constellation: Kennett Komplexium

 

Reading: Hawthorn will release two ‘posters’ commemorating Luke Breust’s 500th career goal.

 

 

Melbourne

 

Sign: The D-Man

 

Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation

 

Reading: No star shines brighter in my gazing this week than Neale Daniher. Nothing but admiration and respect for a truly great individual.

 

 

North Melbourne

 

Sign: The Hopping Marsupial

 

Constellation: Rattling Tinium

 

Reading: The Stars can not explain why Barry McKay kicks a drop punt when he plays for North, but elects to snap the ball when he plays for Carlton.

 

 

Port Adelaide

 

Sign: The Bolt

 

Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin

 

Reading: A Disney sponsorship bonanza awaits Orazio Fantasia this weekend if he can get a call-up to play at their Marvel Stadium.

 

 

Richmond

 

Sign: The Striped Cat

 

Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius

 

Reading: Will the Richmond players still wear a Telstra Tracker to Optus Stadium this week? The stars were very bleak on this matter.

 

 

St Kilda

 

Sign: The Holey One

 

Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium

 

Reading: I can hear the stars telling me that when asked about his previous coaching infidelities between St Kilda and Fremantle, Ross will answer – WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Or perhaps that’s just an episode of Friends in the other room I can hear.

 

 

Sydney

 

Sign: The White Water Bird

 

Constellation: 81.Pointoreums

 

Reading: Each week I continue to read ‘flat out like Nick Blakey drinking’ in the stars – which doesn’t make sense, because the defender doesn’t appear to be overhydrated to me?

 

 

West Coast

 

Sign: The Freedom Bird

 

Constellation: JuddyLeftus

 

Reading: Someone will suffer an injury, illness or ailment this week. (Edit, Highlight Text, Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V, Repeat Weekly)

 

 

Western

 

Sign: The Hound

 

Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance

 

Reading: Letting the Auskicker in the helmet play for Bulldogs last week was a cute touch, but the stars warn me that relying too heavily on his ball movement will cause the seven year old to burn out quickly.

 

Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.