You can keep your doors – Jimmy Ayres has got some drawers… and what a set of drawers they are this week.
Adelaide
If…
Ben Long checked his pockets when he got home on Saturday evening…
Then…
He would have found his phone, keys, wallet, a photo of Brett Ratten with the eyes poked out, and Izak Rankine.
Brisbane
If…
The Lions had played this week…
Then…
I would have a shit opinion to share about them. The same could be said about Carlton.
Carlton
If…
Adam Saad ran as fast without the ball chasing as he did with the ball in-hand, attacking…
Then…
Carlton fans wouldn’t be walking out of their lounge rooms at three quarter time in droves.
Collingwood
If…
You were sick of the ‘De Staying’ puns after the Pies had finished shopping Jordan De Goey around last season…
Then…
Prepare yourself for the inevitable ‘De Gone’ puns when he’s rubbed out this week.
Essendon
If…
Phillips and Weideman could take a mark between them…
Then…
That would be great! I’ve seen better hands in a blind man’s poker tournament. (But how was Nic ‘Ricky’ Martin again on the weekend)
Fremantle
–
If…
Fremantle had played this week…
Then…
I would have a shit opinion to share about them too.
Geelong
If…
The Cats hadn’t found a way against the Dogs…
Then…
You’d better believe that Sam De Koning (aka Don Diego de la Vega) would have copped the Mask of Sorrow gags this week.
Gold Coast
If…
Your Bingo card had the Suns kicking nine straight goals against the Crows…
Then…
You deserve to take the pot, regardless of how many others you had crossed off.
GWS
If…
You’re looking for a silver lining to Brent Daniels’ injury…
Then…
Xavier O’Halloran won’t concede 50m penalties for mistaken identity any time soon.
Hawthorn
If…
You think a 55 point loss wasn’t a good result…
Then…
After conceding 15 of the first 17 goals in the game during the first half alone – 55 points is a bloody good result.
Melbourne
If…
James Harmes wasn’t suspended this week…
Then…
With Clayton Oliver’s imminent return, the Demons would have still replaced him quicker than the Wiggles knocking off the Hooley Dooley’s in that early 90’s ABC Kids scene.
North Melbourne
If…
You asked me leading into last week what my absolute certainty was…
Then…
It was Tarryn Thomas copping a barrage of boos every time he touched the ball in his return game, which didn’t eventuate – this is why you don’t listen to my predictions.
Port Adelaide
If…
I’m running lean on Butters jokes this week…
Then…
It’s because my jaw is still on the floor after watching Jeremy Finlayson’s first quarter.
Richmond
If…
You’re a Mid-Season Draft nay-sayer…
Then…
Best you don’t watch the dying seconds of the Tigers nor the Bombers wins on Sunday afternoon.
St Kilda
If…
St Kilda had played this week…
Then…
They would still have only one flag in 150 years.
Sydney
If…
Sydney had played this week…
Then…
It wouldn’t matter – Eddie McGuire would still rant and rave about C.O.L.A.
West Coast
If…
You’re suffering from severe hypochondria…
Then…
Wear a West Coast guernsey – nobody will ever doubt your injury/illness then.
Western Bulldogs
If…
The overabundance of ‘raining Cats and Dogs’ headlines in the leadup to the Geelong game sent you round the twist this week…
Then….
You won’t have to worry about them again until next season. (And maybe don’t go looking through the Mongrel Punt’s midweek articles from last week…)
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
There is a more infectious smile and personality in the AFL from a man just doing his job and doing it well, that loves footy, than David Rodan as a goal umpire…
Then…
This entire statement is moot – because there isn’t one.
And here’s another one for the AFL….
If…
The NRL gave us Magic Round, so the AFL could give us Gather Round…
Then…
The next obvious link in the chain is giving us a ‘Jordan De Goey’s International Nightclub week’ to match the NRL’s ‘Australia week in Vegas’ in the cross-code’s fox in the henhouse stakes.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
