Jimmy Ayres has oiled up his drawers, and it’s time to get them sliding.
Adelaide
If…
There was ever a time for a former Adelaide player to make themselves available for cashies…
Then…
This week will not be bettered.
Brisbane
If…
Brisbane weren’t 0-3 prior to this round…
Then…
This Las Vegas shit doesn’t even earn a mention.
Carlton
If…
I’m giving an award for “F*ck Around / Find Out, this season…
Then…
Mitch McGovern is my current competition leader for his efforts last week.
Collingwood
If…
The Collingwood players duct tape their coach to the wall…
Then…
I would hate to be a Fly on the wall in that room.
Essendon
If…
I’m contractually obligated to include a Simpsons or wrestling gag into each article…
Then…
In search of the “Essendon Edge”, I heartily endorse the Bombers running onto the field to the dulcet tones of Metalingus by Alterbridge, as the commentary team screams: “OH MY GOD, IT’S EDGE, IT’S EDGE!!”
Fremantle
If…
There’s one player I want to get off a suspension this year…
Then…
It’s Caleb Serong – purely because the ‘Serong/Seright’ gags write themselves.
Geelong
If…
There was ever a matchup that should be halted due to the weather…
Then…
It’s a Cats vs Dogs clash – especially due to rain.
Gold Coast
If…
The Expansion Cup is now a thing…
Then…
Who gets the flick when Tassie enters the chat?
GWS
If…
There’s a great big sound in the Hills of Adelaide town…
Then…
It’s probably the rattling of machinery at the 10¢ aluminium can refund depot, where the Expansion Cup is being smeltered.
Hawthorn
If…
Jack Ginnivan scores a bag this weekend…
Then…
I hope it’s against his former side.
Melbourne
If..
A certain AFL-borne celebrity chef is going to get a few cheeky kickbacks and endorsements from the local wineries to feature their reds in his cooking videos this week..
Then…
It’s probably Cam Zurhaar.
North Melbourne
If…
Clarko and Fages are set to go head-to-head this week…
Then…
I’m sure there’s a joke about court cases and litigation to be written somewhere…
Port Adelaide
If…
You want a prediction that you could literally bet your house on, safely…
Then…
It’s the inevitable ‘prison bar’ chat that will begin to creep into the papers in the coming weeks, when journalists realise that the Port Adelaide/Collingwood clash is only a few rounds away.
Richmond
If…
You’re wondering why Richmond’s bus drove over to South Australia in reverse ..
Then…
It’s because, like it’s football club, the bus’s gearbox has no forwards.
St Kilda
If…
Riley’s parents don’t have a sticker that says ‘My Son is on the Bonner Roll at St Kilda FC’…
Then…
Are they really his parents?
Sydney
If…
You’re after the frontrunner for irony of the year…
Then…
It’s Tom Papley failing to walk the walk after talking the talk, only a week after criticising Essendon for failing to walk the walk after talking the talk, one week prior.
West Coast
If…
I thought I had seen accuracy like that of Jamie Cripps last week, before…
Then…
It was almost certainly at a nightclub urinal.
Western Bulldogs
If…
There’s one coach turning into Mick Malthouse or Kevin Sheedy, purely because of the bizarre comments he comes out with that are borderline impossible to follow…
Then….
It’s Bevo.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
A potential recruit suggesting where they’d prefer to be drafted can be considered as Draft tampering now…
Then…
Wouldn’t a player facing MRO scrutiny suggesting what his punishment ought to be, be considered jury tampering?