Round Four AFL Horoscopes

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you. 

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs. 

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes. 




Sign: The Black Bird


Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris


Reading: Last week’s streaker will not attend this week’s Gather Round opening match. 




Sign: The Maned Cat


Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss


Reading: Flight costs from Brisbane to Las Vegas will hit an all-time low as Google’s algorithms for searches under “BRISBANE LAS VEGAS TRIP” bump flight websites back down the list of priority searches. 




Sign: The Deep


Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus


Reading: This weekend’s Rhys Palmer Cup will be contested in South Australia for the first time. 




Sign: The Swooper


Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium


Reading: The stars foretold a mystical story of a ‘running tree’ that sounded more like “wunnin tree”, but turned out to be a prediction of one and three. 




Sign: Aluminium Clowd


Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus


Reading: An untrained, junior media personality will embarrassingly have the pen scrawlings on his hand pointed out at a press conference, citing: “Brad = Essendon” on one hand and “Chris = Geelong” on the other. 




Sign: The Steel Mirena


Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium


Reading: The year is 2067 – Hayden Young is now Hayden Old, Jeremy Sharp has turned Jeremy Blunt, Brandon Walker is now using a walker. Fremantle are still chasing their elusive first premiership. 




Sign: The Domestic Feline


Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum


Reading: Tom Hawkins addiction to online shopping was exposed during the lightning delay at the MCG, when cameras caught the 350 game superstar on a mobile device, making bids at an online cattle auction. 


Gold Coast


Sign: The Burning Star


Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance


Reading: After throwing the toys out of the cot in Ballarat, Dimma’s week of being grounded has come to an end. 




Sign: The Big One


Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole


Reading: It will be revealed that 90% of my content doesn’t actually come from the stars, but more accurately from the cutting room floor of the Giants sensational media teams. 




Sign: The Tony Bird


Constellation: Kennett Komplexium


Reading: An abundance of new speed humps in the streets surrounding Waverley Park will be met with delight by Hawks staff and players alike, as they continue riding the bumps with a grin at Hawthorn. 




Sign: The D-Man


Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation


Reading: Pranking and ‘Got-Ya’ gags are on temporary hiatus at Melbourne, as staff yelling “Got-Ya” sounds too near to ‘Culture’, which is currently on the club’s banned word list. 


North Melbourne


Sign: The Hopping Marsupial 


Constellation: Rattling Tinium


Reading: After seeing the retired great’s efforts at half time of the Good Friday clash, North Melbourne will officially offer Brendan Fevola a four year contract. 


Port Adelaide


Sign: The Bolt


Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin


Reading: The ATO will be closely watching past Port Adelaide players and staff this week, as Gather Round brings Kochie’s Cashies to the fore. 




Sign: The Striped Cat


Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius


Reading: The butcher and the candlestick maker may get a call up this week in the absence of Liam Baker. 


St Kilda


Sign: The Holey One


Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium


Reading: Dan Butler will be a surprise late out as South Australian police investigate the Saint for a sudden array of thefts from a prominent winery estate – reports state that the Butler did it. 




Sign: The White Water Bird


Constellation: 81.Pointoreums


Reading: Bunsters hot sauce will now sponsor an annual award for the most surprising loss of the season, titled after their namesake condiment – Shit the Bed. Sydney currently have one hand on the bottle. 


West Coast


Sign: The Freedom Bird


Constellation: JuddyLeftus


Reading: Not even the vortex of the darkest deep hole in the deepest annals of space can provide me a reading for West Coast this week. 




Sign: The Hound


Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance


Reading: Editors of South Australian newspapers are licking their lips at the amount of headlines, by-lines and throwaway quips that they can feature the term “raining Cats and Dogs” in, this week. 


Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.