Ah yes… Bob Dylan said the times were a-changin’, and Jimmy Ayres says the drawers, they be a-slidin’.
What’s the connection between the two? They’re both artists, of sorts? They have nasally voices? They’re two of the greatest writers of their generation in their respective fields?
Okay, there is no connection, but here are Jimmy’s Sliding Drawers for Round Two
Adelaide
If…
You thought Sir Mix-A-Lot gags were below me…
Then…
Wait til I make Jordon the Butt of a few jokes this season.
Brisbane
If…
I had to rank coaches on who was most likely to go on a sooky tirade after around 1…
Then…
Fages would’ve easily been in the bottom 20%.
Carlton
If…
Anyone was going to play Carlton in Monopoly…
Then…
Just a heads up: watch out for that stack of Get out of Jail Free Card that they keep in their back pocket.
Collingwood
If…
A loss to the Saints occurs this week…
Then…
There is only so long that you can ride the whole “who cares – reigning premiers, mate!” train for.
Essendon
If…
There was ever a bigger no-brainer in the history of football…
Then…
It would be: only EVER to sign Jake Stringer to one year contracts – that makes every year a contract year. Bada-Boom, Bada-Bing.
Fremantle
If…
I’ve banged on about Fremantle having a legitimate injury curse in the past…
Then…
Seeing numerous players go down last week isn’t filling me with great hopes of the curse finally being broken this season.
Geelong
If…
You’re an outsider looking in, and wondering why Sam De Koning has seemingly shrunk in size and ditched his trademark headband…
Then…
You, too are most likely, in fact, looking at Ollie Dempsey.
Gold Coast
If…
There’s been a bigger falcon than the one that booped Jarrad Witts fair on the scone last week…
Then…
It would surely have Tickford badges, a leaking head gasket and King Spring SSSL’s.
GWS
If…
My drivel was half as funny as the Giants’ social media posts…
Then…
I could actually consider this article a success.
Hawthorn
If…
The AFL didn’t overturn James Sicily’s suspension for kicking Andrew McGrath…
Then…
Imagine the furore of suspending a player for the only kick he managed on the day.
Melbourne
If…
Things don’t work out for Clarry at Melbourne…
Then…
I know a very successful celebrity, TikTok chef that could offer him an apprenticeship.
North Melbourne
If…
You were wondering why Jy Simpkin has suddenly reappeared…
Then..
It’s because Jimmy Webster “knocked him into next week” – and it’s now next week.
Port Adelaide
If…
The commentary team spent half as much time calling the game as they did debating and correcting each other on whether Ivan is pronounced ‘eye-varn’ or ‘eee-varn’…
Then…
We would have had some semblance of what was going on.
Richmond
If…
You love a pun as much as I do…
Then…
Noah being a Bolter to take over as chief forward will make you proud.
St Kilda
If…
Ever there was an ‘Owen Game’…
Then…
It would be this week – the result will either be Owen-Two or Owen-The Saints, Go Marching In!
Sydney
If…
Tom Papley isn’t the first player to break the sound barrier whilst celebrating a goal…
Then…
I’ll chew my boot.
West Coast
If…
You’re not prepared for more comparisons of Oscar Allen to a young Keifer Sutherland…
Then…
Best you get yourself right and ready for the season ahead.
Western Bulldogs
If…
Hindsight is a wonderful thing…
Then….
Caleb Daniel as sub certainly isn’t.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
Bruce McAvaney doesn’t host the Brownlow nude a la John Cena at the Oscars…
Then…
We have a serious problem.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
