For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: The stars are telling me that Adelaide are pondering a forced change this week – Doedee have a player that can replace whoever this may be?
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Things will be tense between Chris Fagan and his opposition side this week – the stars point towards a specific incident, perhaps he was swooped by a hawk as a child?
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Patrick Cripps will stay in a boutique hotel once again so that his room number can’t be linked to all of his late night talkback radio calls.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: The stars tell me that Jordan de Goey is not a certainty to play in the Monarch’s Birthday game this round. Why? I couldn’t be certain. Perhaps he comes down with a mystery illness.. in that case, i would recommend investing in a high quality dressing gown, and resting up for a few weeks.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Groundskeeper Willie is set for a severe reprimand for his overuse of Roundup and other herbicides at the Hangar. What else could explain why the Weids just aren’t prospering?
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: A miscommunication over lunch will see Nat Fyfe accidentally sign a contract extension, when he was in fact ordering corn, and demanded two ears.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Disney will launch a formal investigation into why the AFL allowed a Geelong player to dress as Batman – the flagship superhero of Marvel’s biggest rival company DC, at Marvel Stadium on the weekend.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The stars tell me that there is no bigger certainty than the Suns avoiding a loss this week.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: The Giants will change their fortunes to be consistent when Vin Diesel changes his name to Vin Electric to combat climate change.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Hawthorn will release two ‘posters’ commemorating Luke Breust’s 500th career goal.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: No star shines brighter in my gazing this week than Neale Daniher. Nothing but admiration and respect for a truly great individual.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: The Stars can not explain why Barry McKay kicks a drop punt when he plays for North, but elects to snap the ball when he plays for Carlton.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: A Disney sponsorship bonanza awaits Orazio Fantasia this weekend if he can get a call-up to play at their Marvel Stadium.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Will the Richmond players still wear a Telstra Tracker to Optus Stadium this week? The stars were very bleak on this matter.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: I can hear the stars telling me that when asked about his previous coaching infidelities between St Kilda and Fremantle, Ross will answer – WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Or perhaps that’s just an episode of Friends in the other room I can hear.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Each week I continue to read ‘flat out like Nick Blakey drinking’ in the stars – which doesn’t make sense, because the defender doesn’t appear to be overhydrated to me?
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: Someone will suffer an injury, illness or ailment this week. (Edit, Highlight Text, Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V, Repeat Weekly)
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Letting the Auskicker in the helmet play for Bulldogs last week was a cute touch, but the stars warn me that relying too heavily on his ball movement will cause the seven year old to burn out quickly.
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