For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Mark Ricciuto will ride the boundary and provide completely fair and unbiased comments during an Adelaide Crows game.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: I see more Simon and Garfunkel in the stars. This time it’s Dayne Zorko changing his goal celebration music to their 1968 masterpiece Mrs Robinson as an ode to his mate and former teammate Mitch.
“And here’s to you Mitchell Robinson.
God bless you, please, Mitchell Robinson.
Coo, coo, ca-choo Mitchell Robinson.”
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Gazing into the recent past, the stars continue to echo similar sounds. Is it Voss and Loss, or Ross the Boss?
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: A major milestone for a club legend will be proudly acknowledged this weekend. I see stars and stripes.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: A package will be emphatically delivered to Optus Stadium this weekend – It will contain laundry detergent samples.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: Mrs Brayshaw will have a very tough decision to make this week – Pizza or Fish & Chips on Friday night?
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Both Scott brothers are far too happy at their current coaching jobs. This upsets the balance of the universe. Geelong need to start tanking to fire up their coach and restore things to the correct order.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The nails in Damien Hardwick’s coaching coffin will still be warm from hammering when Caroline Wilson suggests he take over from Stewie Dew as Gold Coast coach.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: All I will say is do NOT let Harry Himmelberg stay in Victoria and experience the state for any longer than absolutely required this weekend. Oh, and don’t feed Toby Greene after midnight.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: A mighty Hawthorn win on the weekend just doesn’t quite feel the same without Jeff Kennett saying something stupid.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: When I successfully predicted Clayton Oliver’s hamstring being no good last week, autocorrect accidentally changed it to haircut.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: When things look glum this weekend, just remember that you got away with trading Levi Greenwood to Collingwood for Pick #25!
…which you used on seven-game sensation Daniel Nielson.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Only three players named Fabian have ever played Australian Football in VFL/AFL/SANFL and all three have played for Port Adelaide. I didn’t see this in the stars, I just found it fascinating.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: I sense a major transporting change coming at Richmond. Could it be a certain Truck that returned from a certain hangar? Or perhaps it’s all aboard a curiously painted Train, with a few navy blue swatches still evident. Maybe it’ll be Andrew McQualter? Sorry, the stars don’t show me a transportation pun for the name McQualter.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: The stars won’t decipher whether letting Robert Harvey go to Collingwood as an assistant coach for over a decade and coach the side to three Grand Finals was an attempted power move or an oversight.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Last minute controversies during a game and the Sydney Football Club go hand in hand like Caroline Wilson and a shit opinion.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: I have gazed into the farthest corners of the universe, and I am yet to find a black hole that’s as dark and bleak as West Coast’s near future.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: The Bulldogs have historically played more games in Yallourn than Alice Springs. If you’re familiar with the Gippsland Region, you’ll be just as shocked as I was.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
