For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Izak Rankine’s podcast based on his judgement of the general public’s Rankcom-branded woodworking tools will fail. Apparently Rankine’s files ranking rank-and-file’s Rankcom files isn’t such a popular topic.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Chris Fagan will be inundated with phone calls, adverts and brochures from APIA after the Media’s constant referencing of his age.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: With a Federal Election set for September of 2025, both major Australian parties are in a state of dread when considering the amount of votes that will be stolen by Patrick Cripps.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Last year’s big dance had the Pies more than primed for this year’s primary school graduation dance.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Will Ashcroft was born in May of 2004. The young gun was then subsequently raised, graduating from pre, primary and high schools, drafted by an AFL club, recovered from a major football injury to triumphantly return and win a Grand Final and be awarded the Norm Smith Medal, all this occurring post-September of 2004 – Why the astrological stars felt it pertinent to send me this knowledge from an Essendon constellation I am still unsure.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: in a bid to prove that Australia promoted the wrong snowy-haired Clive, Fremantle will urge their very own to run for Minister as the leader of Waterhouse United Party.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Bailey Smith already being sponsored by Cotton On and requesting a trade to Geelong this week is akin to The Burger King taking an internship at Hungry Jacks.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: I believe the stars forewarned last year that the Suns best begin investing in brooms – as things are expected to get a little Dusty.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Patrick Cripps will be awarded the Coleman Medal after becoming the first player in the game’s history to be allowed to trade excess Brownlow votes for goals on his season tally.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett-Komplexium
Reading: Proving that the Gold Coast Suns are a relevant football club is a much less arduous task than proving the validity of the Allan Jeans Senior Coach of the Year Award, to Hawthorn supporters.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: If Christian Petracca does end up leaving, Australian cooking legend, Pete Evans, will become the frontrunner to take over as Melbourne’s new celebrity chef.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinsium
Reading: Words such as “Shinboner”, “Strength” and “Courage” that once adorned the annals of the North Melbourne Football Club. Now, a distant memory, these words and terms have been replaced by “War Chest”, “Land a big fish” and “Thirteen, THIRTEEEEEEEN”.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium-Tarpaulin
Reading: Hi, you’ve reached the Hinkley Hotline. $1.2 million a season. Here are some words that rhyme with Hinkley: Stinkly, Over-Thinkly, Alberton Precintly, Career on the Brinkly…
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Former spearhead, Jack Riewoldt, will relinquish the nickname ‘Whispering Jack’, which is set to be rewarded to another former Tiger, who more aptly reflects John Farham’s penchant of retiring, then un-retiring.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Christmas morning at the AFL Mascot house must be so interesting – the Stars show me scenes of Trevor ‘Saint’ Kilda crying to mummy that his northern cousins and rich step-siblings get all the good toys, then refusing to let his little nephew (we’ll call him…. Josh) enjoy the festivities on the day, out of spite.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: OwenFore est.2014
Reading: The only thing Callum Mills will be wrestling with this offseason is his emotions, as the Swans Skipper removes WWE, AEW, Olympic and all forms of professional and competitive wrestling from his Kayo subscription.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: New coach Andrew McQualter’s first challenge will be finding a butcher and a candlestick maker to recruit alongside Liam Baker.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: Said Nay2theScray
Reading: Marcus Bontempelli will be honoured with the opportunity to represent the AFL and run the Olympic Torch at the 2032 Brisbane games, only to be handed a Bic Lighter on the day.
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