AFL Horoscopes – Round 15

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres, am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.




Sign: The Black Bird


Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris


Reading: The WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD tags that were attached to this year’s membership scarves were not intended as a warning of asphyxiation risk.




Sign: The Maned Cat


Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss


Reading: Lachie Neale is advised to stick to kissing his couple of Brownlows after giving a peck on the cheek to Abbey Holmes was deemed a capital offence by pearl clutchers of the AFL world. Seriously… get a life.




Sign: The Deep


Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus


Reading: Let’s hope that this weekend’s De Koning Cup is half as riveting as our recent McKay Instalment.




Sign: The Swooper


Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium


Reading: According to the moon and stars, Bobby Hill is still orbiting with them after his Goal of the Year contender saw him take to the sky last week.




Sign: Aluminium Clowd


Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus


Reading: No one was happier to see Bobby Hill soar for his Mark of the Year contender last week than Ben McKay, now that his own grasp on Stepladder of the Year, thanks to Jamie Elliot, is now highly in doubt.




Sign: The Steel Mirena


Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium


Reading: Why couldn’t Jason Dunstall blow his nose on the Fremantle logo? Because he needed a handkerchief, not an Anchor, Chief!




Sign: The Domestic Feline


Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum


Reading: Something of very minor interest will happen in a Chris Scott press conference. The media will care, most others won’t.


Gold Coast


Sign: The Burning Star


Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance


Reading: Dimma’s search for soul at Marvel Stadium will resume in Round 17. He may not find conclusive soul, but depending on his mood, his presence there may reveal an R-Soul.




Sign: The Big One


Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole


Reading: Australian WWE fans are left bemused at the Giants’ pre-game tsunami warnings not leading to a finisher from Bronson Reed.




Sign: The Tony Bird


Constellation: Kennett Komplexium


Reading: Kelli Underwood will this week mistake Massimo D’Ambrosio for John Platten.




Sign: The D-Man


Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation


Reading: Either irony or the current cost of living crisis will be blamed for Christia Petracca not cooking ribs on his social media any time soon.


North Melbourne


Sign: The Hopping Marsupial


Constellation: Rattling Tinium


Reading: Clarko being wheeled into the half-time huddle on a trolley, wearing a straightjacket and a Hannibal Lecter mouth-piece is AFL mandated and not an early Mad Monday costume.


Port Adelaide


Sign: The Bolt


Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin


Reading: When we discuss a player who is available to play this week, I can’t believe it’s not Butters.

*Clearly, not even the cosmic, Austrological Stars can foresee the AFL’s insanely inconsistent match review process.




Sign: The Striped Cat


Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius


Reading: Tom Lynch’s fine for ‘wrestling’ last week will not serve as an endorsement on his CV when he applies at WWE’s next Australian try-outs.


St Kilda


Sign: The Holey One


Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium


Reading: Hiding Ross Lyon’s glasses before sending him into a press conference filled with cardboard cut-out journalists will only suffice for a week or two.




Sign: The White Water Bird


Constellation: 81.Pointoreums


Reading: A-Mart Furniture stores will experience unprecedented interest in their quarterly company staff parties amidst a surge in Google search typos for “Amartey Party” landing users on A-Mart’y Parties, instead.


West Coast


Sign: The Freedom Bird


Constellation: JuddyLeftus


Reading: The West Coast property steward will be confused at Adam Simpson’s luggage containing a leather jacket and helmet when the club was specifically told that they could not bring Harley to Melbourne with them.




Sign: The Hound


Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance


Reading: What do you call the grave-digger who accidentally stumbles upon the grave of a Geelong goal-kicking champion? Dug Hawkins.


Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.