For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres, am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: The WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD tags that were attached to this year’s membership scarves were not intended as a warning of asphyxiation risk.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Lachie Neale is advised to stick to kissing his couple of Brownlows after giving a peck on the cheek to Abbey Holmes was deemed a capital offence by pearl clutchers of the AFL world. Seriously… get a life.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Let’s hope that this weekend’s De Koning Cup is half as riveting as our recent McKay Instalment.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: According to the moon and stars, Bobby Hill is still orbiting with them after his Goal of the Year contender saw him take to the sky last week.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: No one was happier to see Bobby Hill soar for his Mark of the Year contender last week than Ben McKay, now that his own grasp on Stepladder of the Year, thanks to Jamie Elliot, is now highly in doubt.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: Why couldn’t Jason Dunstall blow his nose on the Fremantle logo? Because he needed a handkerchief, not an Anchor, Chief!
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Something of very minor interest will happen in a Chris Scott press conference. The media will care, most others won’t.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Dimma’s search for soul at Marvel Stadium will resume in Round 17. He may not find conclusive soul, but depending on his mood, his presence there may reveal an R-Soul.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Australian WWE fans are left bemused at the Giants’ pre-game tsunami warnings not leading to a finisher from Bronson Reed.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Kelli Underwood will this week mistake Massimo D’Ambrosio for John Platten.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Either irony or the current cost of living crisis will be blamed for Christia Petracca not cooking ribs on his social media any time soon.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: Clarko being wheeled into the half-time huddle on a trolley, wearing a straightjacket and a Hannibal Lecter mouth-piece is AFL mandated and not an early Mad Monday costume.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: When we discuss a player who is available to play this week, I can’t believe it’s not Butters.
*Clearly, not even the cosmic, Austrological Stars can foresee the AFL’s insanely inconsistent match review process.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Tom Lynch’s fine for ‘wrestling’ last week will not serve as an endorsement on his CV when he applies at WWE’s next Australian try-outs.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Hiding Ross Lyon’s glasses before sending him into a press conference filled with cardboard cut-out journalists will only suffice for a week or two.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: A-Mart Furniture stores will experience unprecedented interest in their quarterly company staff parties amidst a surge in Google search typos for “Amartey Party” landing users on A-Mart’y Parties, instead.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: The West Coast property steward will be confused at Adam Simpson’s luggage containing a leather jacket and helmet when the club was specifically told that they could not bring Harley to Melbourne with them.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: What do you call the grave-digger who accidentally stumbles upon the grave of a Geelong goal-kicking champion? Dug Hawkins.
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