AFL Horoscopes – Round Seven

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.


Sign: The Black Bird

Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris

Reading: Taylor Walker will become the face of a new TAC campaign to prevent whiplash of the neck when the head is thrown back with violent, exaggerated force during a car accident or a contest in the dying stages of a football game. Josh Rachele was supposed to attend the session, but missed the bus.



Sign: The Maned Cat

Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss

Reading: Charlie Cameron did an honourable thing, in spite of his ‘good bloke’ appeal at the tribunal seeing the lively forward deemed clear to play, Brisbane’s goalsneak opted to not show up.



Sign: The Deep

Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus

Reading: Tom De Carey will remain on the right pathway of development, as long as he keeps the anti-inflammatories out of his casino visits.



Sign: The Swooper

Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium

Reading: Dare the stars warn me that Sidebottom’s goal kicking looked a little…. Rusty.



Sign: Aluminium Clowd

Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus

Reading: Sam Draper will receive a slab of West End Bitter, compliments of Josh Rachele, for his late-game controversy taking the entire focus off the young Crow’s numerous poor performances in the final quarter.


Sign: The Steel Mirena

Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium

Reading: What. The. Hell?


Sign: The Domestic Feline

Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum

Reading: Parfitt may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.


Gold Coast

Sign: The Burning Star

Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance

Reading: Dimma’s quest to find soul hits a roadblock at the SCG.



Sign: The Big One

Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole

Reading: Stupid, stinking Carlton.



Sign: The Tony Bird

Constellation: Kennett Komplexium

Reading: Clarko: I know you can read my thoughts, Sam, and when I beat your little Hawks today, you and Kennett’s asses are mine. Yes, I think words that are much friendlier than those I would usually say.

Jeff: I know you can read my thoughts, Sam. Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow.



Sign: The D-Man

Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation

Reading: All eyes on Entrecôte restaurant-watch were bitterly disappointed this Bye.


North Melbourne

Sign: The Hopping Marsupial

Constellation: Rattling Tinium

Reading: Clarko was very timid during his recent visit to Harvey Norman to buy a vacuum for the timepieces throughout his house. Apparently, asking the salesman for a ‘Clock Sucker’ was not the correct naming for the appliance.


Port Adelaide

Sign: The Bolt

Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin

Reading: Coming up against the likes of premiership defender Billy Frampton can be daunting for even the strongest of AFL sides.



Sign: The Striped Cat

Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius

Reading: After two weeks in a row of not showing up, the Tigers will take on the Demons this week.


St Kilda

Sign: The Holey One

Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium

Reading: Trying to pen this prediction, I sat here staring at my screen, and after almost two hours of wondering, I was none the wiser – now I know exactly how Saints fans felt watching the match.



Sign: The White Water Bird

Constellation: 81.Pointoreums

Reading: Brodie Grundy takes the chocolates over Jarrod Witts in the Former Collingwood Ruckman Cup.


West Coast

Sign: The Freedom Bird

Constellation: JuddyLeftus

Reading: “West Coast keen to extend contract of Reid” the most blatantly ‘no shit, Sherlock’ headline since “Clarkson suspected of abusing someone”.



Sign: The Hound

Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance

Reading: Jamarra will walk from club to club, sampling their exorbitant offers with his specially carved spoon, reminiscent of Homer Simpson at the Annual Springfield Chilli Cook-Off.


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