For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Taylor Walker will become the face of a new TAC campaign to prevent whiplash of the neck when the head is thrown back with violent, exaggerated force during a car accident or a contest in the dying stages of a football game. Josh Rachele was supposed to attend the session, but missed the bus.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Charlie Cameron did an honourable thing, in spite of his ‘good bloke’ appeal at the tribunal seeing the lively forward deemed clear to play, Brisbane’s goalsneak opted to not show up.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Tom De Carey will remain on the right pathway of development, as long as he keeps the anti-inflammatories out of his casino visits.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Dare the stars warn me that Sidebottom’s goal kicking looked a little…. Rusty.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Sam Draper will receive a slab of West End Bitter, compliments of Josh Rachele, for his late-game controversy taking the entire focus off the young Crow’s numerous poor performances in the final quarter.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: What. The. Hell?
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Parfitt may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Dimma’s quest to find soul hits a roadblock at the SCG.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Stupid, stinking Carlton.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Clarko: I know you can read my thoughts, Sam, and when I beat your little Hawks today, you and Kennett’s asses are mine. Yes, I think words that are much friendlier than those I would usually say.
Jeff: I know you can read my thoughts, Sam. Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: All eyes on Entrecôte restaurant-watch were bitterly disappointed this Bye.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: Clarko was very timid during his recent visit to Harvey Norman to buy a vacuum for the timepieces throughout his house. Apparently, asking the salesman for a ‘Clock Sucker’ was not the correct naming for the appliance.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Coming up against the likes of premiership defender Billy Frampton can be daunting for even the strongest of AFL sides.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: After two weeks in a row of not showing up, the Tigers will take on the Demons this week.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Trying to pen this prediction, I sat here staring at my screen, and after almost two hours of wondering, I was none the wiser – now I know exactly how Saints fans felt watching the match.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Brodie Grundy takes the chocolates over Jarrod Witts in the Former Collingwood Ruckman Cup.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: “West Coast keen to extend contract of Reid” the most blatantly ‘no shit, Sherlock’ headline since “Clarkson suspected of abusing someone”.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Jamarra will walk from club to club, sampling their exorbitant offers with his specially carved spoon, reminiscent of Homer Simpson at the Annual Springfield Chilli Cook-Off.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
