AFL Horoscopes – Round Six

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.



Sign: The Black Bird

Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris

Reading: If last week is anything to go off, then the Keays to success are right in front of the Crows.



Sign: The Maned Cat

Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss

Reading: Things look better. Not enough to cease the hoodoo talk, but still better.



Sign: The Deep

Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus

Reading: Charlie Curnow has never kicked a goal at Blundstone Arena – that will not change this week.



Sign: The Swooper

Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium

Reading: A Collingwood player may be the centre of a huge arrest scandal this week – the stars keep showing me lots of men in prison bars.



Sign: Aluminium Clowd

Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus

Reading: Don’t worry, members and supporters – even the stars pull their hair out when it comes to the Bombers.



Sign: The Steel Mirena

Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium

Reading: This weekend is the Derby. Derby rhymes with herby. Basil is a herb. Basil is also the Lord Mayor of Perth.



Sign: The Domestic Feline

Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum

Reading: Tom Hawkins will not be rested this week, as Brisbane in Brisbane is a much more formidable opponent than North Melbourne.


Gold Coast

Sign: The Burning Star

Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance

Reading: When naming a team of the week, it was a case of being Clohesy, but no cigarsy.



Sign: The Big One

Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole

Reading: Remember that cousin who sat you on the handlebars of his motorbike and told you to hold on and shut up, as you both barrelled down the hill towards the old dairy, somehow pulling up millimetres away from disaster at the final second? That was the Giants last week.



Sign: The Tony Bird

Constellation: Kennett Komplexium

Reading: Tasmania have their own side to worry about now – you two cellar dwellers can have your wooden spoon-fest back in Victoria now.



Sign: The D-Man

Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation

Reading: Melbourne are a safe bet to not lose a game this weekend.


North Melbourne

Sign: The Hopping Marsupial

Constellation: Rattling Tinium

Reading: At least there’s no risk of seasickness getting to the ground with this game being in Victoria.


Port Adelaide

Sign: The Bolt

Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin

Reading: Eddie McGuire is gone-ski – wear whichever jumper you desire.



Sign: The Striped Cat

Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius

Reading: Ironic that the Tigers won’t show up this weekend either – at least they have the Bye as an excuse.


St Kilda

Sign: The Holey One

Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium

Reading: Just blame it on the aliens.



Sign: The White Water Bird

Constellation: 81.Pointoreums

Reading: The sun will rise and the sun will set in Sydney this weekend.


West Coast

Sign: The Freedom Bird

Constellation: JuddyLeftus

Reading: A flower in a field of weeds is still a flower. Enjoy it.



Sign: The Hound

Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance

Reading: Tom Liberatore will be the first player to become a case study for concussion having a favourable effect on long-term health.



Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.