For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: If last week is anything to go off, then the Keays to success are right in front of the Crows.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Things look better. Not enough to cease the hoodoo talk, but still better.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Charlie Curnow has never kicked a goal at Blundstone Arena – that will not change this week.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: A Collingwood player may be the centre of a huge arrest scandal this week – the stars keep showing me lots of men in prison bars.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Don’t worry, members and supporters – even the stars pull their hair out when it comes to the Bombers.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: This weekend is the Derby. Derby rhymes with herby. Basil is a herb. Basil is also the Lord Mayor of Perth.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Tom Hawkins will not be rested this week, as Brisbane in Brisbane is a much more formidable opponent than North Melbourne.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: When naming a team of the week, it was a case of being Clohesy, but no cigarsy.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Remember that cousin who sat you on the handlebars of his motorbike and told you to hold on and shut up, as you both barrelled down the hill towards the old dairy, somehow pulling up millimetres away from disaster at the final second? That was the Giants last week.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Tasmania have their own side to worry about now – you two cellar dwellers can have your wooden spoon-fest back in Victoria now.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Melbourne are a safe bet to not lose a game this weekend.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: At least there’s no risk of seasickness getting to the ground with this game being in Victoria.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Eddie McGuire is gone-ski – wear whichever jumper you desire.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Ironic that the Tigers won’t show up this weekend either – at least they have the Bye as an excuse.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Just blame it on the aliens.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: The sun will rise and the sun will set in Sydney this weekend.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: A flower in a field of weeds is still a flower. Enjoy it.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Tom Liberatore will be the first player to become a case study for concussion having a favourable effect on long-term health.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
