Round Five AFL Horoscopes

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you. 


Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs. 


Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres, am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.




Sign: The Black Bird


Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris


Reading: The worst start to a season since his maiden year at the helm will see coach Matthew Nicks pulling his hair out. 




Sign: The Maned Cat


Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss


Reading: A GPS safety tracking device will be fitted to each member of the Brisbane Football Club this week, as the club ventures into new and seldom-charted territories at the MCG. 




Sign: The Deep


Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus


Reading: VISY will now offer all League umpires official positions within the company as “environment ambassadors”, a la Chris Judd, 2007. 




Sign: The Swooper


Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium


Reading: Collingwood have a zero percent chance of losing this week. 




Sign: Aluminium Clowd


Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus


Reading: GP clinics and local chemists struggle to keep up with such a high demand for scripts of Bomberzen – a harsh medication for the treatment of DeprEssendon. 




Sign: The Steel Mirena


Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium


Reading: The stars and heavens are currently working with the AFL and former League umpires to conspire against Fremantle. 




Sign: The Domestic Feline


Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum


Reading: Chris Scott and his Cats are looking to file an injunction to prevent Norwood from obtaining the 20th AFL licence as the ground makes Kardinia Park look like it has Bingo Wings


Gold Coast


Sign: The Burning Star


Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance


Reading: Losing the Expansion Cup to GWS was a strategic plan to avoid overcrowding the trophy cabinet situated in the demountables. 




Sign: The Big One


Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole


Reading: The stars are yet to convince me that this team itself isn’t in fact one big meme. 




Sign: The Tony Bird


Constellation: Kennett Komplexium


Reading: Jack Ginnivan will continue to pay for his shoes as Nike refuses to issue the small forward any free kicks. 




Sign: The D-Man


Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation


Reading: The Demons will sign an emphatic sponsorship with Streetwear store Culture Kings in response to media sensationalism before the club’s 4-1 start to the season. 


North Melbourne


Sign: The Hopping Marsupial 


Constellation: Rattling Tinium


Reading: Kanga, Kanga, Kanga…


Port Adelaide


Sign: The Bolt


Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin


Reading: If Travis Boak misses with a back complaint this week, it makes the list of jumper numbers for the property steward to prepare this week; un-ten-able. Warren Treadrea will be proud. 




Sign: The Striped Cat


Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius


Reading: A newfound sponsorship by Ubereats will be fitting after last week’s game – Hot at the start, stone cold come crunch time. 


St Kilda


Sign: The Holey One


Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium


Reading: There will be a great big sound coming this week – it will not be aliens. 




Sign: The White Water Bird


Constellation: 81.Pointoreums


Reading: Sydney have zero chance of losing a game this week. 


West Coast


Sign: The Freedom Bird


Constellation: JuddyLeftus


Reading: Although we are now into Autumn, there is strangely broad talk of green shoots. Must be that pesky global warming. 




Sign: The Hound


Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance


Reading: Sons of the West is becoming more of an irony with each son of a former player added to the ever-growing list. 

Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.