For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: The Crows will follow suit from the Gold Coast game by heading to the cinema to watch Fast & Furious 19 – only to sleep through 90% of the movie, and proceed to be a harsh critic on the 10% they actually saw.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: All this talk of Owen Too, yet I can’t find his name on any of the team sheets.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: As long as Peter O’Farrell remains the lawyer at Carlton, then George Hewett will find himself an addition to the list of players that shall never face a sanction.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: The stars are struggling to answer my questions about Owen Too, and whether his namesake at Brisbane is a relative.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Mason is only one letter off being an anagram for Samson – if the tale is true, this doesn’t bode well for the Bombers. I would love to see him take out an entire opposition side with a donkey’s jawbone, though.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: The stars have me pondering how long it will be until Caleb Serong is labelled ‘selfish’, as Gary Ablett was, when amassing copious amounts of disposals for fun.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: When playing games on their home deck, the Geelong Cats will now be known as the Cuban Bee Hummingbirds – the bird with the skinniest wings in the animal kingdom, as a nod to the famous dimensions of their home ground oval.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: If you compare the pair, People First Stadium has been named after more banks than the Mississippi River has.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Jesse Hogan has kicked more goals in his last four games, than in his entire combined playing days at Fremantle.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Jack Ginnivan’s arm raise and subsequent shoulder rolling action whenever an opponent attempts to tackle the small forward, will see the former Magpie approached by Cricket Australia with an offer to coach bowlers on how to continually roll their shoulders throughout a game without straining something.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: If people think the ‘culture’ is bad now, they ought to cast their minds back a decade and a half to when the club was accused of tanking, then charged for not tanking.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: The stars suggest that Alastair Clarkson rewatch the 2003 hit movie sensation Anger Management, starring Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler, and perhaps partake in singing a calming verse of ‘I feel pretty’.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: South Australian fruit growers are struggling to keep up with the demand for pears leading into the 2024 AFL season – second only to the avocado shortages in suburban Victoria.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: The stars are drawing curious parallels to Damien Hardwick steering his ship into an iceberg before abandoning it for a pretty, new jet ski amongst other new toys.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Max King will become the latest player to renege on the four-year contract extension that the tall forward signed with the Saints in 2021, when the lure of playing Borat in the film’s upcoming third instalment becomes too lucrative to pass up.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Dane Rampe’s summer spent climbing greasy poles at the Royal Sydney Show will certainly come in handy this week, as his side takes on Essendon at the SCG.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: Harley Reid will forget what time his dentist appointment is this week, but a quick flick through the back pages of a Western Australian newspaper will soon remind him of what time, which clinic, his Medicare number and where to send his oral x-rays.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: Beveridge-Barrett Bandy
Reading: English to West Coast isn’t just an advertisement for the latest literature training undertaken by the club.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
