For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Being informed that there’ll be absolutely no Tex this week commands a completely different feeling when it’s delivered by someone with a Kiwi accent. The ATO are always watching…
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Jim’s Dog Walking will no longer sponsor Brisbane after the Lions completely failed to hold a lead against the Blues.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Carlton at ¾ time was reminiscent of Video Ezy in the 90’s – with a whole lot of Fantasia just sitting on the shelf.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Collingwood will become the final ever AFL side to be awarded a premiership cup, after the AFL bows to the pressure of protestors demanding they ‘say NUP to the CUP’ – A premiership saucer is the current frontrunner.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Adrian Dodoro will experience a “did somebody say KFC” moment when he returns to the club with ‘a Gresham’, when Brad Scott instructed him to recruit ‘aggression’.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: After missing out on Taylor Swift’s Eras tour, Western Australian’s were ecstatic to hear that the next biggest pop sensation – J-Lo – was signed on to spend a year in the state. Much to the fans’ dismay, The Western Australian newspaper was actually referring to Justin Longmire in an abbreviated form in a blatant attempt to save more ink for their hourly Harley Reid update.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: The Cats will apply the traditional farmer’s adage of constant topping up of a leaking tractor’s oil equating to replacing it, when it comes to rebuilding their stadium, by taking so long to complete a rebuild that the first part of the section replaced has ultimately worn out by the time the final part of the same section is completed.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: NASA’s search for water on Mars is now second to Dimma’s search for soul at People First Stadium.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Not even I, in my vast Austrological capacity, could see the Mason Cox petting zoo occurring – well played, Giants.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Out of fairness to professional sex workers, Hawthorn will now be referred to as ‘People of the Night-thorn’.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: The realisation that your 2024 membership helped pay for Brodie Grundy’s wage to beat you in Round Zero forces you to blame ‘retail therapy’ for your latest RM Williams boot purchase.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: Whilst doing a clinic at a North Melbourne primary school, a Grade 3 teacher will actively seek out Alastair Clarkson to impart the wisdom of “if you haven’t got something nice to say, then don’t say anything”.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: With no game in Opening Round, and West Coast, in Adelaide, in Round 1, the rest of the league will question why Port Adelaide are gifted a Bye two weeks in a row.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: The club has forewarned Dustin Martin that during multicultural round this year, he will be the only player forced to eat his Sushi with a fork, as the club-wide ban on chopsticks now extends to only the player with a record of historically using the eating apparatus as a weapon.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: The Saints have now officially banned female fans from taking photos in front of their trophy cabinet, whilst in groups of two. A social media trend of parodying #twogirlsonecup is to blame.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: A win over one of his former clubs in Round 0 will make Brodie Grundy glad that he ultimately knocked back Kochie’s offer to play for Port Adelaide and be the Sunrise Cash Cow.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: *Harley Reid eats toast for breakfast – traditionally on rye bread.
*The stars show me nothing that the Western Australian media haven’t already shared today.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Pending the weekend’s result, one club will be freed from their desire.