Mrs Mongrel’s Grand Final Review
Hey sports fans. Another year another Grand Final. Not going to lie, I genuinely thought this year my beloved Suns would make it. Well, Matt Rowell anyway. HB and I have agreed that if Rowell moves to whatever team Toby Greene is on (or vice versa) we will jump ship immediately. Fickle you say? Yes, but the Hawks have let us down terribly. They neglected to send my daughter her annual birthday card. I DON’T NEED ANOTHER BLOODY SCARF BUT SHE NEEDS HER CARD DAMN IT.
Anyway, Pies and Lions. Lions and Pies. Who do we support this year? I checked out the sponsors for each team and there’s nothing there to really write home about. Could go either way really. Both teams love their Pepsi Max, Collingwood is into KFC and Brisbane are into Maccas. Brisbane have Hyundai and Collingwood don’t know how to drive so they don’t need car sponsorship. They have Emirates though so that’s a bit suss. On that alone I should go for Brisbane. But then Brisbane has sports betting while Collingwood are against it. It’s a wash.
So with nothing resolved, we’ll turn to HB and he can give me the low down on which team we should be turning our gaze upon. Now’s the time to point out that I won the Mongrel Tipping. HB did not. It was me. He is quite used to me being obnoxious, so when I parade around telling him I’m the greatest footballing mind the world has ever seen, he just says “you sure are.” And when he is telling me something boring about how many grand finals some team has won, I ask him how many I have won and he always tells me something along the lines of “oh you won two in a row but stepped away from footy to focus on other things, but then you came back and won six more before retiring.”
Get yourself an indulgent fella. 10/10 recommend being spoilt.
So I asked him who would win. He said “we have done this for enough years that you know I have no idea”. SO UNHELPFUL. Man needs some incentive. So I withheld food. Cheese, sliced meat, and most importantly, Doritos. That’ll loosen his tongue (lol).
HB has let me know that Brisbane have won the last 6 games against Collingwood but lost the last two at the MCG this season.
In the change rooms, Lachie Neale is juggling two tennis balls and a football. I don’t know why, but I’m supremely impressed by juggling. He’s slightly tipped the scales for Brisbane but we’re going for Collingwood, based on ONE thing and one thing only – Oleg and his moustache. Also Daicos and his hypnotic eyes.
Of course, that’s offset by whatever Darcy Moore is doing do his hair, and the penchant the Pies have for really unattractive sleeves. Does Darcy Moore dye his hair? My hairdresser won’t let me. I asked once and he looked at me and said “No. Absolutely not.” with such authority, I just shut my mouth forever.
First off, AAMI has TERRIBLE ads. Like what the hell was that weird nonsense about the match day ball? Please.
Uber Eats, fantastic ads. The Nicola Coughlan one? Gold. Though really, I think every woman wants quality period romances because they mostly involve wistful staring and awkward run ins. Sounds ideal.
Why did the Lions touch the pair of boxing gloves as they left the changeroom? Not going to lie, they looked like… anatomy. Also, must make note of Charlie Cameron and his arms. His arms count as a separate player altogether.
I forgot what free-to-air TV was like. They gave us a news update. NEWS. I haven’t watched the news in forever. Apparently, a whale struck a boat. Why did that not get more air time? Like, that’s a THING. I want to hear about the whale thanks. What kind? Is anyone hurt? Is the whale injured?
I don’t mind Hamish Brother of Gil. I am also only here because of family connections. I see you Hamish. You’re doing a good job.
Kate Miller-Heidke. Dunno who she is but what a fetching gown! Jungle green. Lovely. Not often I approve of fashions. For someone wearing an Oak Island oversized tee and some leggings, I am wildly critical.
The toss up has happened. Darcy Moore is a big guy. Kind of looked like an Ent staring down a hobbit. I can’t even worry about who did what here. I’m entranced by the idea of pretending this whole thing is a bad production of LOTR.
First quarter
And it’s on. HB is immediately unhappy “He botched the bounce!”
The first real cuddle puddle has happened, with Lachie Neale on top. That’s what the commentator said. About Neale being on top anyway.
Apparently, someone or something has been shanked someone else? Is ‘shanked’ now a football term? I’m offended. I fake-shank HB constantly.
Frampton straddles Andrews very dramatically. HB: That’s his job. To harass him ALL day. Not bad being Andrews then I guess.
I’ve been watching for a while now. And HB just said “see what he’s doing here? Oh you missed it. Cheese is more important isn’t it.” YES SWEETIE. Far out. Cheese is more important. Forever. For the right triple cream brie I’d hire you out by the hour.
Bobby Hill has the greatest footy shoes ever. They switch between yellow and orange depending on the light. He got a goal. Probably the first goal. The first goal I saw anyway. Nice job Bobby.
Hipwood going for a banana. He mucks it up. I’ve made it from that angle before. I am therefore better than Hipwood. Confirmed by HB.
HAHAHA, Cox in front. That’s what the commentator said. Lol, they sure are buddy. Man these commentators just give it all up on Grand Final Day.
Big O apparently did something amazing. There was a ruck contest, and Big O did a beautiful hit out. In our lounge room there was a booming voice saying ‘Your man, Big O did something!”. Love it.
HB giving me a little lecture on Bobby Hill. He just said ‘he’s working both ends’. I asked him to repeat himself and he realised and let out this low heheheheh.
Oh, I forgot that Joe Daniher plays for Brisbane! I wish he were English. I asked HB if there are any redheads in the game. He said Harris Andrews is kind of a redhead. So disappointing. OMG the commentators were talking about McCarthy and I said ‘Lincoln?’ and it turns out I am right! Lincoln McCarthy is THE most presidential name there is. The president is a Lion!
Daicos is hurt! The man with the eyes… so sad. Not that hurt though, he’s just hopped up like a sprawled-out toddler ready to dust off and go again.
A bunch of Brisbane players just played keep the ball away from Billy Elliot. Very sad, in a way.
Mason Cox looks like he’s in the wrong game. Standing up with goggles on he looks like he’s on the way to a pool.
Zac Bailey just kicked his second! He needs hair help but boy is he agile. That was wild.
A minute of pure chaos! Charlie Cameron LOST HIS TOP. HB got very excited. That’s the kind of drama we love.
Nathan Murphy is gone after hitting the deck. HB says he has a history of concussions. Now Josh Dunkley is having his finger popped back in by a doctor. Not sure why they needed to show everyone that. I’m fragile.
HAHAHAHAHA Darcy Gardner just ran straight at a guy sitting on the boundary and shoved his crotch in his face. So I guess that’s the best seat in the house then? I got the giggles and HB said “what are you being evil about over there?” Nothing HB. I’m an innocent.
Brody Mihocek. HB is a big fan. Says he works hard, isn’t flashy. He just grunted in approval. I don’t know what Mihocek did, but HB gave the same grunt he makes when I bake bread so I know Mihocek must be good.
HB just asked me if I know that the ground is oval. Yes you dumbass, I am aware of that.
It’s half time now and Big O is leading the clearances. Of course he is. He’s the top fella on that team.
Second quarter
Charlie just got a goal. Apparently, he found a new top during halftime as well. Also, how funny is it to hear the umpires talking to players “BACK… STAY…” It’s very crocodile hunter. I wonder if any of them accidentally say ‘you’re a beayootiful girl’ after the fellas behave.
McCluggage got a goal! HB LOVES this guy.
Talking about Daicos. HB says he and his brother wax quite a bit. I’m like, excuse me? There are two of them? And they wax? Why do you know this? I had to clarify. They’re waxing themselves? HB starts telling me about it but I stopped listening because it’s funnier to think of them going to get waxed as a duo.
Bobby Hill gets a goal. What a spectacular set of shoes.
Daicos (one of them) found a plastic bag. Played with it a bit. Looked a bit bemused.
Charlie Cameron gets another goal. His shoes are fluro orange. A bit too orange I think.
Ok, I missed a bit then. Quite a bit. I tuned out mentally. My bad. I’d go back but also lol, I’m not doing that.
Joe, who needs a haircut, kicks a goal, super casually like he’s just there cos he had nothing else to do.
Matt Rowell is flogging something called INC Sports Nutrition. Everyone go buy it, we love him.
President McCarthy got a goal! Well done him. I like his hair. Looks neat, and neat men are wonderful. Not like those scruffy mullet men (just call me Wendy. Little Bluey reference for you tired parents out there).
What is Jack Crisp about? Looks like he needs to be in a flannelette shirt and holding an axe in one hand and the hopes, dreams and imaginations of women in the other. He just got a goal. I think the AFL should do an AFL calendar but where all the players dress up in the occupations they should have. I’d buy it. For footballing posterity of course.
Isaac Quaynor! He’s done something with his snazzy hot pink boots. He’s my best on ground. What a look.
Maynard has the ball. I have to ask. Why would he shave his hair so it looks like he’s got a neatly trimmed but extremely lush lady garden on his head? Why? Who does this on purpose? Has nobody said, hey man change your hair, it gives me feelings?
A commentator just said that Bobby Hill is almost at the back door. I almost died. What a statement. HB wasn’t paying attention so I told him. He patted me and said ‘that’s my girl’. Either he didn’t get it or he’s just totally accepted how I am.
So many bright coloured shoes. I have a theory about this. The guys with the fluro shoes are the quality blokes that are doing that so their nannas can see which ones they are on the ground.
Joe Daniher gets a second goal but looks really really annoyed that he did that.
Jack Crisp, pink shoes. Nice. Gets a goal. Pies in front but not by much.
Oooh Mark Seymour is the halftime entertainment. I’m tempted to pay attention. But also I just got Starfield and I’ve surveyed about 60 planets and I’m really enjoying stalking frogs so maybe, because I am suffering for HB’s art I get 20 minutes of game time? Yes. That sounds reasonable.
The half-time show isn’t bad. Holy Grail is a fantastic song. And Kate MH has done a fantastic wardrobe change. She’s all class, I like her.
Surveyed three moons and someone blew up my space ship. Not a bad run.
Third quarter
So Bobby Hill had the ball. And he was holding it, looking around for the umpire. I said “aw he’s all lost that’s adorable’. Cue chuckles from HB. “No, he knows what he’s doing. He’s holding the ball until he can get closer to where he wants to be”. OHHHH sneaky sneaky.
Billy Elliot kicked it, Mason Cox fell over and it went back to Billy. I think he’s going for goal… And it’s touched.
Joe just pushed Isaac Q. I’m not sure that’s on. Hands to yourself, fly boy.
Dunkley just leaped out of nowhere for a spectacular spoil. He was like a dog catching a dropped sausage. I wish I could think of something nicer but it was what it was.
Maynard. Perpetual frown. Goes for goal but gets a point.
More of a close-up of Harris Andrews. Doesn’t really look like a redhead. HB lied to me. You know who would be great for the Lions right now? Matt Rowell and Toby Greene. Just saying.
Great tap from Big O again. He was my tip for first goal because he’s so fabulous. HB laughed and asked me if I was sure and I told him he can’t tell me what to do. NOBODY CAN.
I just asked HB if that’s Danny Zorko. He was delighted.
A bunch of guys are pushing Charlie Cameron. In the arms. You’re transparent fellas. You’re just having a bit of a feel of the muscle. We know it. Women have done that for all eternity. Surprised I didn’t see you Pie boys bite your lower lip.
Okay, back to the actual footy. Tom Mitchell is pushing Lachie Neal and bullying him. Wasn’t he a golden boy at the Hawks? Super sweet baby kind of boy? He’s gone all serious and brooding with the Pies.
Adam Levine has the ball. He’s not done a lot so far. Didn’t do a lot now either.
Dev Robertson, the man who lost his shirt a while ago (thanks HB for the reminder of that – can always trust him to keep track for me) just got a goal. Apparently, this was a really good play by Joe Daniher. I don’t know why. 7 minutes left in the quarter and honestly I’m ready for a snug nap.
I asked if Mason Cox is a good player. HB says his best is really good but his worst is really bad.
Big O kicked the ball! It was SO high! He’s great.
Bobby kicked to Lord Pendlebury who has never kicked a goal in the grand final. He gets a goal and the commentator (BT) said ‘he’s jammed it home’. Does he know how he sounds??? At all? It can’t just be me. Sometimes people at my work say things that they shouldn’t say. We have a furry group. A FURRY GROUP. Apparently, it’s for pets.
Charlie on all fours on the ground and some guy is behind him. What a way to end the quarter.
4th QUARTER
President McCarthy misses his shot at goal. Isaac Q was doing a cute little tick tock motion not sure what that was about but surely kind of distracting? Maybe they are friends and it was his way of saying “I’m going to make a highlight reel of you for tiktok, I love you bro”.
HB is very upset over the pigeon that keeps getting in the way of Darcy Moore.
Charlie Cameron just smacked himself into Adam Levine. HB wasn’t impressed. Said he’s frustrated.
Hill just got a point. HB has noted they the Pies have missed the goals 17 times, and if they lose this then… He didn’t say anything after that. I am assuming he’s implying it’s their own fault. A bit harsh. It’s sunny. Late in the day. I’m sure everyone is tired. Everyone wants a snack. Some of us are also a little tired and frustrated and ready for a cup of tea, eh? HB?
Daniher is looking less like an English pilot and more like a 70s bloke. He missed his shot at goal, the one that the commentator said was ‘easy’.
Ok, it’s 12 minutes left and I got bored and was looking at my phone and I hear HB say “anyway, what a bozo.” I don’t want to ask WHO is a bozo. Though he’ll read this, so sorry darling, I wasn’t listening to you. Who’s the bozo?
Fletcher just held the ball over the line. Apparently, if you’re out of bounds, but the ball is still over the line it’s ok? I don’t understand. But also, I don’t want to understand.
Why is Adam Levine wearing only one sleeve? I don’t think this one is fashion but what do I know?
Old Isaac is getting a bit of a run here. HB pointed out that everyone is really tired, everyone is walking or jogging, there’s a lack of movement.
There’s now a 4 man stacks-on. 2 Lions, 2 Magpies. They were too tired to get up so they just lay there for a bit. All stacked up. Imagine being on the bottom of that.
Charlie Cameron takes advantage of Maynard falling over and then kicks himself a goal to put the Lions in front.
Some guy kicked a goal and now the Pies are back in front! That’s nice. HB is banging on about Daicos’ hands. I wish I knew who the guy was, and which Daicos is which because one of them has the most lush hair imaginable.
Quainor against Rayner. Magical.
A commentator just said ‘Got Cox deep”. Like why? WHY? AFL is making this like shooting fish in a barrel for a woman like me.
HB is impressed with Steele and his massive goal. Says it’s a big kick for tired legs.
3.23 to go, and it’s Collingwood by 10 points. It’s all very dramatic. Pendlebury telling someone to milk the clock? I think he’s in charge?
McCluggage kept the ball in on the boundary and our friend Joe the pilot/70s bar fly kicked a goal. HB whispered “it’s on now”.
Daniher is walking along with his hands on his hips looking like a pissed off dad.
So apparently the Lions got a free kick then let it go? HB is going wild, he cannot cope with the tension.
And the clock is out and the Pies have won it!
Omg, look at the smile on Darcy Moore, it is like SUNSHINE!
There’s not a lot for me to say now. I won the tipping. Apparently, I got the winning margin in this game right too. In August I won on a claw machine. Mongrels, I am on a streak. A very casual streak with an excessive amount of nonsense and things I don’t care about.
I shall take my leave so that I can rest up before next season. To the Pies fans, have a wild one. Do shots and take a bite out of a block of cheese. Buy that mascara you’ve been eyeing off and get yourselves a fitted flannelette shirt so that we can finish this year off like a sexy lumberjack. You won. Bask away, my friends.
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