Is there a drawer Jimmy Ayres cannot slide? I haven’t. Let’s see what this man has in store for us as we approach the semi-finals.
Adelaide
If…
Taylor Walker was traded to Geelong…
Then…
He would be in sharp demand – as walkers are a commodity amongst the elderly.
Brisbane
If…
Hear another person complain about the Lions’ post-goal songs because we need to “sToP aMeRiCaNiSiNg OuR gAmE”…
Then…
I’ll wind up like Mario from Doncaster and vomit all over myself. If the music is too loud, then you’re too old – bring ear plugs. Hearing the Brisbane faithful carry on their rendition of John Denver’s Take Me Home, Country Roads after Charlie Cameron’s hasty back-to-back goals was a credit to the Gabba home crowd, and far more palatable than the “Pear” or “Collingwood” drones that we’re accustomed to.
Carlton
If…
Eddie McGuire was still at Collingwood…
Then…
He would be offering some MCG seats to Carlton Members for the use of their lawyers in the Brayden Maynard case.
Collingwood
If…
Brayden Maynard’s partner was expecting a bottle of wine and flowers on Valentine’s Day…
Then…
Expectations had best be lowered now.
Essendon
If…
It turned out to be nothing but a PR stunt…
Then…
It was still great to see more than a dozen notable Bombers players in the crowd at Windy Hill cheering on their AFLW side on the weekend.
Fremantle
–
If…
You’re looking at purchasing any land…
Then…
I see there is Acres available at Carlton.
Geelong
If…
You thought you could dress up as literally anything in this day and age without offending somebody…
Then…
You were sadly mistaken.
Gold Coast
If…
Dimma is meeting with Dusty in restaurants…
Then…
Best to avoid cuisines that require chopsticks.
GWS
If…
Toby Bedford played for Carlton…
Then…
Not only would his potential suspension last week have been thrown out in seconds, but he would also suddenly be in Brownlow contention.
Hawthorn
If…
Hawthorn were actually offering Esava Ratugolea the contract that was reported…
Then…
It’s time to do what North Melbourne’s list management team did – vacate the building posthaste.
Melbourne
–
If…
The one player who actually wears headgear amidst 43 others who don’t, happens to be the player to unfortunately end up severely concussed…
Then…
Surely Mason Cox somehow loses an eye next week.
North Melbourne
If…
North Melbourne’s full back in Ben McKay is traded to another side…
Then…
Do Carlton get a say in where their maligned full forward ends up? Seems as though they’re the same person.
Port Adelaide
If…
Praise is owed for remaining in the game for three quarters…
Then…
Thank your Ollie Lord and saviour.
Richmond
If…
Trent Cotchin can leave the game and still impart wisdom to someone…
Then…
He ought to phone Brayden Maynard and spill the secrets of getting away with murder in a final.
St Kilda
If…
The club physios need any work to keep their hands warm during the offseason…
Then…
I’m sure Nick Riewoldt will happily take some physiotherapy at the expense of the club.
Sydney
If…
Like me, you’re a stat-man…
Then…
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope. But also, check back on those figures shared at the start of the season about teams losing a Grand Final by >40 points, and the odds of them winning a final the following season.
West Coast
If…
The finals are good for one thing…
Then…
It’s a month with the spotlights shifted to other teams.
Western Bulldogs
If…
Bevo bumped into me in the toilets at the Brownlow…
Then….
We’d probably just exchange greetings and head on our merry way.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
Razor Ray is deemed physically not fit enough (due to his bad back and not being able to bounce the ball any more) to be amongst the best 16 umpires in the game to adjudicate finals, but is still considered one of the best decision-makers within the umpiring fraternity by his peers…
Then…
Why the Friar Tuck is he still umpiring home and away games?? Why should the standards of a final be any different to that of a regular game?
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
