For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: September’s workload will be somewhat subdued for the Crows.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: In a strange turn of events from Round 2, the Lions will be hoping for a Power outage at the Gabba next weekend.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: The stars predict Carlton fans reminding everyone that they have witnessed Jacob Weitering be mercilessly robbed twice this year – once of his life savings and the other of an All Australian blazer.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: The stars give Collingwood less than two weeks to once again prove to Melbourne that they are in fact all dinner and no duck.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Brad Scott’s comments about the off-field standards at Essendon may put a sizable dent in some of the social media snaps posted from Ibiza in the coming months.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: The Dockers will be relying on spades and shovels to dig themselves out of any holes in the near future, as they have given Melbourne their best Pick.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Children of Geelong players will actually get to spend some time with their fathers these September school holidays.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Damien Hardwick will now have the challenge of discovering whether Gold Coast fans like coming to Marvel Stadium.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Toby Greene will trademark the phrase: “if Toby Greene did that, he would get…..”
The Giants skipper will make millions in royalties.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: The Victorian Government’s tax rebate on water tanks doesn’t apply to football clubs. Hawthorn are set to be devastated, whilst Damien Barrett does his best Mr Burns style “excellent”.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: The stars give the Demons less than two weeks to figure out whether Collingwood are in fact all duck and no dinner
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: Alistair Clarkson will take offence to and/or complain about something in a self-centred manner.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: David Koch will strictly wait until August to lodge his tax return.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: If Ivan Milat had played for Richmond, a random media personality whose name rhymes with Baroline Milson would still defend his honour.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Eric Bana will knock back a role in Chopper: 2 to make his contracted tv appearance from the stands in a St Kilda final.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: The stars predict a strong chance of widespread Gulden showers around the MCG if Sydney manage to beat the Blues.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: Harley Reid is less certain about his future than Adam Simpson was two months ago.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: The stars tell me that Marcus Bontempelli may just win the Brownlow by a nose. That nose….
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