AFL Horoscopes – Pre-Finals Edition

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.




Sign: The Black Bird

Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris


Reading: September’s workload will be somewhat subdued for the Crows.



Sign: The Maned Cat

Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss


Reading: In a strange turn of events from Round 2, the Lions will be hoping for a Power outage at the Gabba next weekend.



Sign: The Deep

Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus


Reading: The stars predict Carlton fans reminding everyone that they have witnessed Jacob Weitering be mercilessly robbed twice this year – once of his life savings and the other of an All Australian blazer.



Sign: The Swooper

Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium


Reading: The stars give Collingwood less than two weeks to once again prove to Melbourne that they are in fact all dinner and no duck.



Sign: Aluminium Clowd

Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus


Reading: Brad Scott’s comments about the off-field standards at Essendon may put a sizable dent in some of the social media snaps posted from Ibiza in the coming months.



Sign: The Steel Mirena

Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium


Reading: The Dockers will be relying on spades and shovels to dig themselves out of any holes in the near future, as they have given Melbourne their best Pick.



Sign: The Domestic Feline

Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum


Reading: Children of Geelong players will actually get to spend some time with their fathers these September school holidays.


Gold Coast

Sign: The Burning Star

Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance


Reading: Damien Hardwick will now have the challenge of discovering whether Gold Coast fans like coming to Marvel Stadium.



Sign: The Big One

Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole


Reading: Toby Greene will trademark the phrase: “if Toby Greene did that, he would get…..”

The Giants skipper will make millions in royalties.



Sign: The Tony Bird

Constellation: Kennett Komplexium


Reading: The Victorian Government’s tax rebate on water tanks doesn’t apply to football clubs. Hawthorn are set to be devastated, whilst Damien Barrett does his best Mr Burns style “excellent”.



Sign: The D-Man

Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation


Reading: The stars give the Demons less than two weeks to figure out whether Collingwood are in fact all duck and no dinner



North Melbourne

Sign: The Hopping Marsupial

Constellation: Rattling Tinium


Reading: Alistair Clarkson will take offence to and/or complain about something in a self-centred manner.


Port Adelaide

Sign: The Bolt

Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin


Reading: David Koch will strictly wait until August to lodge his tax return.



Sign: The Striped Cat

Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius


Reading: If Ivan Milat had played for Richmond, a random media personality whose name rhymes with Baroline Milson would still defend his honour.


St Kilda

Sign: The Holey One

Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium


Reading: Eric Bana will knock back a role in Chopper: 2 to make his contracted tv appearance from the stands in a St Kilda final.



Sign: The White Water Bird

Constellation: 81.Pointoreums


Reading: The stars predict a strong chance of widespread Gulden showers around the MCG if Sydney manage to beat the Blues.


West Coast

Sign: The Freedom Bird

Constellation: JuddyLeftus


Reading: Harley Reid is less certain about his future than Adam Simpson was two months ago.



Sign: The Hound

Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance


Reading: The stars tell me that Marcus Bontempelli may just win the Brownlow by a nose. That nose….

Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.