Round 21 AFL Horoscopes – Jimmy Ayres’ Austrology

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.





Sign: The Black Bird


Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris


Reading: Tennis and golf silence may be the best way forward if bright colours in the opposition cheer squad puts you off.





Sign: The Maned Cat


Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss


Reading: Dayne Zorko’s new post-goal song will be Karma Chameleon by Culture Club. The stars also suggest that the real bruising was to the former captain’s ego.





Sign: The Deep


Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus


Reading: Harry McKay finds himself injured around the same time that his “brother” begins shopping around for a new club. Coincidence? The stars say: NOT.





Sign: The Swooper


Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium


Reading: The stars liken the Collingwood supporters sitting at the MCG during the fourth quarter last week, muttering for their side to “come back… come back”, to Rose calling to Jack at the end of the movie Titanic.





Sign: Aluminium Clowd


Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus


Reading: The stars send a special aura to Cale Hooker’s PTSD counsellor this week, after the retirement of Buddy Franklin yielded the expected highlights package that has plagued Hooker since that fateful night.





Sign: The Steel Mirena


Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium


Reading: The Dockers will be asked to return the missing premiership cup back to Geelong’s alphabet stadium, with the defence of “surely they wouldn’t notice just one of these things missing…” astutely incorrect.





Sign: The Domestic Feline


Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum


Reading: Retailers are anticipating a great surplus in baby oil stock in the near future when Tom Hawkins eventually announces his retirement. No viable outlets for bulk unloading of stock have been made available just yet.



Gold Coast


Sign: The Burning Star


Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance


Reading: Touk Miller may become the first player in a long time to be pinged for holding the ball in a game, then charged with holding the balls by the MRO.





Sign: The Big One


Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole


Reading: Adam Kingsley’s physique is still more imposing than his side’s seven wins on the trot.





Sign: The Tony Bird


Constellation: Kennett Komplexium


Reading: If overt aggression at the quarter time break didn’t work, perhaps Sam Mitchell can try a swift knee into the midriff of his charges.





Sign: The D-Man


Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation


Reading: Harrison “Tom” Petty was a Tigers Heartbreaker because he wouldn’t back down.



North Melbourne


Sign: The Hopping Marsupial


Constellation: Rattling Tinium


Reading: A new sponsorship deal for North Melbourne club memberships is set to be brokered with the ATO – two fitting organisations that happily take your money and give you no positive return.



Port Adelaide


Sign: The Bolt


Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin


Reading: Port Adelaide will downgrade their head trauma substitution requirements from “Montague Street Bridge” level down to “Brothel Door” level as a way to gauge how many knocks one must require before being assessed for concussion.





Sign: The Striped Cat


Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius


Reading: All eyes will remain on Richmond this week to see if the torch of the Fabled Hardwick Hoodoo© at Marvel Stadium will be passed on and become the McQualter Malediction.



St Kilda


Sign: The Holey One


Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium


Reading: Zaine Cordy’s 19th career goal on the weekend leaves the 26-year-old only 1,341 goals short of reaching Tony Lockett’s career tally.





Sign: The White Water Bird


Constellation: 81.Pointoreums


Reading: The stars are a little darker this week after one of their brightest alumni was forced into retirement.



West Coast


Sign: The Freedom Bird


Constellation: JuddyLeftus


Reading: It had been that long since West Coast won a game that the remix of their remixed theme song had been remixed.





Sign: The Hound


Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance


Reading: The weather man missed the orange tsunami warning that somehow made its way around the coast and into Port Phillip Bay, landing smack bang on top of Footscray and their finals aspirations.



Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.