When Jimmy Ayres presented his first Mongrel Investment Portfolio, all signs pointed to huge dividends.
Yes, he was slick, he was smooth… he was the type of fellow that could sell water to a drowning man. And now… here we are.
Has he gone belly up with those he backed? Can he recover his losses? Let’s hand it over to the man, himself
You’ve probably heard something similar across various other mediums – running an investment portfolio based purely on AFL entities is neither a new nor an original concept. In fact, it’s second only to the alternatively named ‘fact or fiction’ style of segment that dominates every major football television broadcast, radio show, podcast, panel, and otherwise.
But what you wouldn’t realise is that when I’m not gazing into the stars to bring you football’s Austrologically accurate HorrorScopes, or ghost-writing the AFL’s most read* weekly periodical in Sliding Drawers, I am actually heavily invested both literally and metaphorically in the AFL’s internal stock market landscape. I didn’t get the nickname “The Wolf of (Robert) Walls Street” from playing hacky sack.
*(most read in a vast case study trial of three family members and that weird, alcoholic uncle that divorced your aunty 28 years ago, but still comes to family functions)
For those unaware of how your everyday, run-of-the-mill stock market works, traders are ranked in categories from 1-5;
Level One being a Beginner Trader
Level Two being an Advanced Beginner
Level Three being a Competent Trader
Level Four being a Proficient Trader
Level Five being an Expert Trader
Boring!
My position here at the Mongrel Punt is built on the back of my Level 6 rating in AFL Stock Trading – making me a certified Prophet Trader. Or was that Profit Trader? Regardless, you may find yourself now asking: What does a week in the life of a certified Level 6 AFL Stock Trader entail? Well, aside from watching more footy in a weekend than one man probably should, drinking more beer than recommended, and cooking some of the finest jerky this side of the United States of School Shootings and Freedom – not a hell of a lot, if I’m honest.
So sit back, unclip your briefcase, and ring that annoying bell to signal the start of trading!
Oh, and remember – don’t take life, Brian Taylor’s commentary, nor my writings too seriously.
Market One – Damien Hardwick
Verdict: HOLD
Dimma’s stocks are currently rising like cryptocurrency during Covid lockdowns. I pondered long and hard this week as to whether I ought to cash in and run, or whether I should ride this coaching rumour train, and cash in for potentially top dollar when Richmond’s three-time premiership coach inevitably signs on at a new club.
Without putting too much tuna in your milkshake early on, I ultimately decided to hold firm on Dimma. Not out of greed, but given how I’m currently faring in some of my markets, I may desperately need a good payday to make up for the hits I’ve taken in the past week or two – I’m talking Will Ashcroft, Josh Rachele, Port Adelaide and Nic Martin.
But as long as Caro keeps churning out the Hardwick propaganda, Robbo keeps finding obscure teams for Dimma to potentially coach, and as long as medical marijuana dispensaries remain open, then Damien Hardwick will remain one of the more heavier publicised coaching prospects in the land, and any publicity is good publicity when it comes to this particular kind of market.
Market Two – Port Adelaide
Verdict: HOLD
Let’s just say that Saturday was far from the best day of trading that I’ve had. The fallout from the Brisbane/Geelong game really threw pineapple on my pizza to start the day off, but Port Adelaide’s heartbreaking last minute loss to the Magpies put another, albeit nowhere near as large, dent in my portfolio.
I’m positive that the Pear will bounce back and still compete well come finals. In fact, I’m quite literally banking on it by holding out on these stocks until finals time.
Barring injury or tragedy, i’m backing in Kenny to squeeze as much juice out of this side as he possibly can, and take Power deep into September – and when this happens, that’s when I look at cashing in. This little speed bump, paired with the bingle against the Blues a few weeks ago, will hopefully be just little blips on the radar.
Market Three – Nic ‘Ricky’ Martin
Verdict: Hold
This one hurts on multiple levels. For starters, are we not aware that EVERY SINGLE TIME you hype up anything about Essendon, it immediately crashes and burns??
Look at “Drillips” for a recent example. Sam Draper and Andrew Phillips dismantled Melbourne in Gather Round, and gave the media a huge bone to gnaw on for a couple of weeks, before their form as a one-two ruck combination stalled, and the aforementioned bone was swiftly half-buried somewhere in the backyard, ready for your lawnmower blades to connect and pulverise.
The same curse has now affected my boy, Ricky Martin. After reading everywhere that he is, apparently, challenging Errol Gulden and Josh Daicos for the crown of premier wingman in the competition, Martin’s form has taken a bit, as have his stocks.
This one will bounce back in the ensuing weeks, I’m sure. He needs a fortnight of good games and we’re truly back on track. But the past few weeks being drier than your mother in law’s chicken have not helped me, much like the form of his side hasn’t really helped him.
Market Four – Allen’s Fantales
Verdict: Hold
To the tune of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Bad Moon Rising:
I see the Fan-tales a-risin’
Supply and demand is on the way
I see the panic is a-mighty
Desperate to buy them up today
Don’t cash out tonight
Well you’re bound to do alright
These stocks are on the rise
Market Five – Will Ashcroft
Verdict: SELL (Cashout)
Boy-o-boy, does this one hurt.
My first failed investment, and it was arguably the one that I had my highest hopes pinned on. It just goes to show that fate works in mysterious ways. It wasn’t a form slump, it wasn’t a surprise retirement or a change in position, it was an old-fashioned injury that has robbed one of the competition’s brightest young stars of a potential year’s worth of football, and caused me my first L in the Win/Loss ledger of my stock portfolio.
On a serious note, I would like to send my sincerest regards to young Will Ashcroft, and personally vow to heavily reinvest in the young star once he’s back on the training track.
Market Six – Josh Rachele
Verdict: HOLD (for now)
I may be guilty of going off prematurely in my personal life, but I like to let nature run its course when it comes to football.
In saying that, Josh Rachele’s form on its own over the past few weeks was slowly but surely chipping away at my profit margins, before the young forward went and got himself suspended for an ill-disciplined act on the footy field.
I’m not tipping the hotdogs down the sink with the hotdog water, but I am treading carefully here. I have no doubt that Josh is going to become one of the most entertaining players in the game in due course, but I’m currently weighing up whether that’s a long, long-term investment that I’m willing to ride along with, or if I ought to sell off what I have in the coming weeks and invest in something that will be a safer bet to give me a hefty return in a shorter period of time.
Market Report:
Overall, the last fortnight has been borderline disastrous for me. A serious knee injury has forced me to sell my shares in Will Ashcroft, Port Adelaide’s undefeated streak has come to an end and seen the second placed side lose their last two games in a row, Nic Martin’s form has tapered off and Josh Rachele has gone and gotten himself suspended on top of a form slump.
I still have my two safe-as-houses investments in Damien Hardwick and Allen’s Fantales which remain rock-solid for me, as long as Hardwick doesn’t turn his back on coaching to run away with another club-staffer, and Allen’s don’t do an Arnott’s and backflip on their decision to cease in their ceasing of Fantales production.
What does this all mean? Well, seeing as though I’ve had to sell off my first shares, I’ll break down the process.
I will carry a vacant slot in my portfolio into the next week or so before I ultimately decide which stocks I’ll invest in, in the wake of Will Ashcroft’s shares being sold off. The decision must be made hastily, especially as we approach the pointy end of the season.
This period is known to those of us in the AFL Stock Exchange as the ‘Finals Fiesta’, because not only do investors get a little crazy towards the end of the home and away season, but results, players actions, Media’s opinions and the entire AFL landscape tends to go a little loco – much like how any medical professional will tell you the a full moon makes all kinds of crazy shit happen in their workplace.
As my legions of loyal fellow investors read on, feel free to share with me exactly who and where I should be looking for my next investment opportunity. I have a few notes made in my little black book of investment potentials, but go ahead and share some of your own wisdom with me.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
