It’s that time of the week. Jimmy Ayres has loaded up his WD-40 and is in the kitchen (or the bedroom, if you prefer) as he prepares to get those drawers a-sliding!
Adelaide
If…
Any side was akin to Johnny Farnham in Round 19…
Then…
It was Adelaide. Unfortunately, none of those comebacks amounted to anything, as the Demons fended off each charge the Crows mounted.
Brisbane
If…
I’ve ever felt genuine dismay for an opposition team’s player going down injured…
Then…
It was for Will Ashcroft. Not because I heavily invested in him financially in my Mongrel Punt Investment Portfolio (latest edition of the Stock Report due this week, keep an eye out), but because I genuinely like the kid – and going off the public response to his unfortunate injury, I feel that most other supporters do as well.
Carlton
If…
You took away the 19 goals that he scored in two games against West Coast this season…
Then…
Charlie Curnow’s return of 42 lands him seventh in the Coleman Medal race. I’m not trying to lick the toffee off your apple, but expect to read or hear in mainstream publications how *airquotes* “playing West Coast twice compromises the outcomes of games, awards and percentages”
Collingwood
If…
Enough was ever enough….
Then…
Enough is enough. Stop f*cking winning every close game.
Essendon
If…
Strength was born from disappointment…
Then…
Bombers fans could move mountains.
Fremantle
–
If…
There was ever a game this season less publicised or cared about by the greater football community than Fremantle/Sydney…
Then…
It almost certainly would have featured Gold Coast. But the aforementioned wouldn’t be far behind it.
Geelong
If…
You only kick one goal in over two and a half quarters of football…
Then…
Not even the ringing wet sail you came home with would be enough to secure the win. Cats/Lions has fast become an interesting matchup each season.
Gold Coast
If…
Ever a song title was relevant to an individual performance…
Then…
King Nothing by Metallica sums up last weekend for the Suns, perfectly.
GWS
If…
There’s a team currently under watch from Australia’s Aviation Border Patrol…
Then…
It’s the Giants. Flying under the radar like that with six straight wins will see you intercepted by RAAF planes before you know it.
Hawthorn
If…
You think you’re tired of hearing asphyxiation jokes after the weekend…
Then…
Best you don’t read any of my articles until next week.
Melbourne
–
If…
There was a board game that Melbourne shouldn’t be playing this week…
Then…
It’s Monopoly. After cashing in their Get Out Of Jail Free card against the Crows.
North Melbourne
If…
I had to relate a scene from a famous movie to describe my emotions at the end of the game on Saturday…
Then…
It would be Billy Maddison shouting YOU BLEW IT!!!!
Context: (https://youtu.be/KBltMTAD4eM)
Port Adelaide
If…
The laziness of my writing knows no bounds…
Then…
Read North Melbourne’s Sliding Draw up above – it’s applicable, but too emotionally painful to copy and paste.
Richmond
If…
There is one player that I pray has a good sense of humour…
Then…
It’s Tim Taranto. If you’re reading this, Timmy – please, for the love of general fuckery, please sign 150 of your own individual footy cards at the end of the season and post each one of them to Kane Cornes in seperate, numbered envelopes from 1-150. I will even buy the postage stamps and envelopes.
St Kilda
If…
He hadn’t been whisked away to America for…….. ‘reasons unknown’…
Then…
The shit-eating grin on the face of Nick Riewoldt as he lay at Moorabbin receiving his free physio this week, would be unbearable.
Sydney
If…
Your club theme song has a banjo solo…
Then…
You automatically gain a slight alpha advantage over any opposition.
West Coast
If…
Pizza is round…
Then…
Why does it traditionally come in a square box?
Western Bulldogs
If…
Any one player was to be disheartened the most by the Commonwealth Games rug being ripped out from underneath us…
Then….
It would be Tom Liberatore. Just thinking of all those missed gold medal opportunities for hammer throw, javelin, rugby and any other sport that focuses on throwing things, brings a tear to my eye.
And this one’s for the AFL….
–
If…
Any person in the industry deserves a pay rise…
Then…
It’s David Rodan. I’ve probably said this before, but I’m saying it again: nobody in the League loves their job more than David Rodan does, and his smiling demeanour is infectious.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
