AFL Austrology – Round 14

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.





Sign: The Black Bird


Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris


Reading: The stars assure me that Adelaide have no chance of losing this weekend.






Sign: The Maned Cat


Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss


Reading: Dayne Zorko commenting on the suspension of an opposition player will draw a comparison to John Wayne Gacy commenting on the crimes of Ted Bundy.






Sign: The Deep


Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus


Reading: Carlton will consider partially lifting their blanket ban on all card games at Ikon Park. Certain exemptions will be made for Uno and Go Fish, however, SNAP is still strictly prohibited.






Sign: The Swooper


Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium


Reading: In the wake of the World Test Championship, Nathan Buckley will charter a direct flight to England for the sole purpose of shaming the Indian cricket fans that booed the umpires.


The stars also definitively confirm to me that for the second week in a row, Collingwood will fail to win a game.


Mason Cox will also be extradited back to Australia from Bali to take face Christian Petracca in a Billy Maddison style academic decathlon.





Sign: Aluminium Clowd


Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus


Reading: Essendon fans have a 60% chance of not being disappointed in some manner this week – their best odds in almost 20 years.






Sign: The Steel Mirena


Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium


Reading: A rising star is causing confusion in my interstellar reading this week.






Sign: The Domestic Feline


Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum


Reading: Brent Harvey will be sounded out by Geelong to add to their growing list of Boomers.





Gold Coast


Sign: The Burning Star


Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance


Reading: Confusion will envelop the Suns this week, as the entire state of Victoria (outside of Lygon Street) barracks for them to win at the MCG.






Sign: The Big One


Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole


Reading: The stars give me absolutely nothing of substance in regards to the Giants this week. Look for Toby Greene to do something amazing and still be despised by most.







Sign: The Tony Bird


Constellation: Kennett Komplexium


Reading: Hawthorn will not tank this week. Damien Barrett will take Luke Beveridge out to dinner in a pink, frilly dress before he concedes defeat on the topic.






Sign: The D-Man


Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation


Reading: Christian Petracca will spend the next two weeks looking for a new ruckman to box on with, after Mason Cox fled to Bali and next week’s opponents in Geelong have no ruckman.





North Melbourne


Sign: The Hopping Marsupial


Constellation: Rattling Tinium


Reading: The 12 year anniversary of Scott Thompson’s baptism of fire into the Barry Hall Chronicles of F*ck Around/Find Out will be loosely recreated when Cody Weightman attempts to take on Harry Sheezel.





Port Adelaide


Sign: The Bolt


Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin


Reading: An announcement on Ken Hinkley’s future is imminent – next year he will be the newest host of Sunrise.







Sign: The Striped Cat


Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius


Reading: The Tigers will now enter the bitter blood feud between Collingwood and Port Adelaide for the rights to wear Prison Bar stripes.




St Kilda


Sign: The Holey One


Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium


Reading: The AFL will investigate the Saints after last week’s first quarter for bringing the game into disrepute, by imitating the sport of Australian Rules Football.







Sign: The White Water Bird


Constellation: 81.Pointoreums


Reading: Jake Lloyd will be cast as Johnny Ringo in a remake of the 1993 classic, Tombstone.




West Coast


Sign: The Freedom Bird


Constellation: JuddyLeftus


Reading: The stars will not guarantee that the Eagles won’t lose this week. The bookmakers have the Eagles paying $1.86 and the Bye paying $1.12.







Sign: The Hound


Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance


Reading: After a failed stint in the wing, Luke Beveridge will start Rory Lobb off the field as property steward this week.




Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.