For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Sign: The Black Bird
Reading: After yet another dominant defence, it is time to acknowledge the one and only, true Pride of South Australia – WWE Smackdown Women’s Champion, Rhea Ripley.
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Only four things are universally guaranteed by the stars: Death, Taxes, Carlton being a perennial disappointment, and Dayne Zorko performing a needless, grubby act on the footy field at least three times a season.
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Jacob Weitering has been the victim of a devastatingly horrible and life-altering scam – being drafted to Carlton.
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: A fan will shout “Bit rusty, Steele!” After Sidebottom’s untimely injury in the opening minutes of his 300th game. All of his former teammates that made the trip to watch their mate play his milestone game will not be impressed.
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Reading: Nic Martin will go from Livin’ his best life to Livin’ la Vida Loca when he finds out that his side’s supporters lovingly call him Ricky. Any accusations of misgendering are a total misunderstanding when they sing She Bangs every time he kicks a goal.
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: The stars assure me with the utmost certainty that Fremantle simply CAN NOT LOSE next week.
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Google servers in Geelong will continue to be down after an enormous influx of “how to pronounce Oisin” searches on Thursday. None of which, were apparently done by AFL media personalities.
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The Suns of the South East will defeat the Sons of the West under the Sunset of the North.
Sign: The Big One
Reading: Xavier O’Halloran will officially change his first name to Brent, via Deed Poll.
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: The stars tell with the utmost certainty that James Sicily will not win the Brownlow this season.
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: As the month of Steven comes to a close, the stars make it apparent to me that in the Dockers’ almost 30 year history, they have never once lost a game to a side named Naarm.
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: There is no better nickname currently in the AFL than Nick Larkey’s ‘Souv’. I foresee TV commercials with Anthony Koutafides and a gorilla in the near future.
Reading: The stars assure me with the utmost certainty that St Kilda simply CAN NOT LOSE next week.
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81 Pointoreums
Reading: The stars assure me with the utmost certainty that Sydney simply CAN NOT LOSE next week.
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Reading: After experimenting with wearing two different shoes in the game last week, Jayden Hunt will this week try playing with both legs in the same hole of his shorts.
Sign: The Hound
Reading: Only two men named Arthur Jones have ever played AFL/VFL football. Both had three goals to their name after their first seven games. Fitzroy’s Arthur Montague Septimus Jones was tragically killed in action whilst fighting in Turkey during World War I, at age 23.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.