For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Not quite Star Wars, but I do foresee a Crow and a Bulldog going head to head at Mars in the near future.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: The Lions will encourage media personnel to heavily criticise more of their under fire players in a hope that it will spur them into form, after Joe Daniher emphatically turned his season around on the back of intense media scrutiny.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: ‘Barry’ McKay will start wearing his left boot on his right foot and vice versa in a bit to further avoid any attempt at kicking a regulation drop punt.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Collingwood Football Club will be charged with sexual misconduct after the club follows Nathan Murphy’s lead on Aaron Cadman last week, and pulls the pants down of the Carlton Football Club this weekend.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Ruck duo Andrew Phillips and Sam Draper will buck a recent trend and take numerous marks around the ground against the Tigers this weekend. A miscommunication at training has seen the pair painting the lines in the grass, after coaches instructed the talls to work harder on marking down the line.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: Blake Acres will seek out former Blue and Giant Setanta Ó hAilpín to learn how to more accurately kick teammates’ balls.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Iconic Australian musician Slim Dusty will have his music banned from being played at the MCG whenever Geelong have games there, after recurrent Dusty nightmares were reported by Cats players once again, immediately after the side’s loss to Richmond.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Matt Rowell will become the next target in the league-wide booing epidemic, only for it to be revealed that Brisbane supporters were actually “Moo’ing” the young Suns star. I can’t foresee why.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: RM Williams will offer Aaron Cadman a sponsorship and provide him with an endless supply of quality leather belts.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Some Petty efforts show that something is Amiss in the way Hawthorn stopped goals over the past fortnight, and I foresee it reoccurring to the Max this week.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: A stacked multi won’t be paid out to Melbourne this week after an ambitious tip will cost Narrm a leg.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: After losing more games in their past 70 than Fitzroy did in their final 70 games, North Melbourne will finally be relocated when they are sent out of Tasmania and back to Melbourne in the wake of the new Tasmanian footy side being announced.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Power will swap the prison bars for the red sash this week in an attempt to gain the mental edge over Melbourne, who were beaten at Adelaide Oval by Essendon in Gather Round earlier this year. The red sash will pay historical homage to the seatbelts in Nan’s HR Premier.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Kane Cornes will report that Tim Taranto isn’t even in the Top 150 Tim’s in the AFL – even though there are only five of them.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Last week’s media grab from Ross the Boss’ press conference was the word ‘Mulligan’. This week’s media grab word of the week will be ‘Stingy’.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: I foresee Anthony Hudson yelling “THIRTEEEEEENNNNN” into the microphone in a North Melbourne match featuring Buddy Franklin once again, except this week it will be in relation to how many of Sydney’s best 22 are injured – THIRTEEEEEENNNNN.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: In a similar ilk to Port Adelaide fans singing INXS’s Never Tear Us Apart before games, the Eagles supporters will adopt a little Simon and Garfunkel when they make The Sound of Silence their unofficial pre and post game anthem.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Tom Liberatore will commence training for the 2024 Olympics in Paris, competing in Shot Put and potentially Basketball. Handball is definitely off the cards.
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