AFL Austrology – Round Ten

For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of  ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.

Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.

The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.

Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.




Sign: The Black Bird


Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris


Reading: Not quite Star Wars, but I do foresee a Crow and a Bulldog going head to head at Mars in the near future.





Sign: The Maned Cat


Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss


Reading: The Lions will encourage media personnel to heavily criticise more of their under fire players in a hope that it will spur them into form, after Joe Daniher emphatically turned his season around on the back of intense media scrutiny.





Sign: The Deep


Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus


Reading: ‘Barry’ McKay will start wearing his left boot on his right foot and vice versa in a bit to further avoid any attempt at kicking a regulation drop punt.





Sign: The Swooper


Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium


Reading: Collingwood Football Club will be charged with sexual misconduct after the club follows Nathan Murphy’s lead on Aaron Cadman last week, and pulls the pants down of the Carlton Football Club this weekend.





Sign: Aluminium Clowd


Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus


Reading: Ruck duo Andrew Phillips and Sam Draper will buck a recent trend and take numerous marks around the ground against the Tigers this weekend. A miscommunication at training has seen the pair painting the lines in the grass, after coaches instructed the talls to work harder on marking down the line.





Sign: The Steel Mirena


Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium


Reading: Blake Acres will seek out former Blue and Giant Setanta Ó hAilpín to learn how to more accurately kick teammates’ balls.





Sign: The Domestic Feline


Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum


Reading: Iconic Australian musician Slim Dusty will have his music banned from being played at the MCG whenever Geelong have games there, after recurrent Dusty nightmares were reported by Cats players once again, immediately after the side’s loss to Richmond.



Gold Coast


Sign: The Burning Star


Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance


Reading: Matt Rowell will become the next target in the league-wide booing epidemic, only for it to be revealed that Brisbane supporters were actually “Moo’ing” the young Suns star. I can’t foresee why.





Sign: The Big One


Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole


Reading: RM Williams will offer Aaron Cadman a sponsorship and provide him with an endless supply of quality leather belts.





Sign: The Tony Bird


Constellation: Kennett Komplexium


Reading: Some Petty efforts show that something is Amiss in the way Hawthorn stopped goals over the past fortnight, and I foresee it reoccurring to the Max this week.





Sign: The D-Man


Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation


Reading: A stacked multi won’t be paid out to Melbourne this week after an ambitious tip will cost Narrm a leg.



North Melbourne


Sign: The Hopping Marsupial


Constellation: Rattling Tinium


Reading: After losing more games in their past 70 than Fitzroy did in their final 70 games, North Melbourne will finally be relocated when they are sent out of Tasmania and back to Melbourne in the wake of the new Tasmanian footy side being announced.



Port Adelaide


Sign: The Bolt


Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin


Reading: Power will swap the prison bars for the red sash this week in an attempt to gain the mental edge over Melbourne, who were beaten at Adelaide Oval by Essendon in Gather Round earlier this year. The red sash will pay historical homage to the seatbelts in Nan’s HR Premier.





Sign: The Striped Cat


Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius


Reading: Kane Cornes will report that Tim Taranto isn’t even in the Top 150 Tim’s in the AFL – even though there are only five of them.



St Kilda


Sign: The Holey One


Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium


Reading: Last week’s media grab from Ross the Boss’ press conference was the word ‘Mulligan’. This week’s media grab word of the week will be ‘Stingy’.





Sign: The White Water Bird


Constellation: 81.Pointoreums


Reading: I foresee Anthony Hudson yelling “THIRTEEEEEENNNNN” into the microphone in a North Melbourne match featuring Buddy Franklin once again, except this week it will be in relation to how many of Sydney’s best 22 are injured – THIRTEEEEEENNNNN.



West Coast


Sign: The Freedom Bird


Constellation: JuddyLeftus


Reading: In a similar ilk to Port Adelaide fans singing INXS’s Never Tear Us Apart before games, the Eagles supporters will adopt a little Simon and Garfunkel when they make The Sound of Silence their unofficial pre and post game anthem.





Sign: The Hound


Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance


Reading: Tom Liberatore will commence training for the 2024 Olympics in Paris, competing in Shot Put and potentially Basketball. Handball is definitely off the cards.


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