Sliding Drawers – Round NineJimmy Ayres·May 18, 2023AFL Season 2023 Can anyone really throw together an AFL column to rival the most-read piece of the week? Jimmy Ayres thinks he can… here is this week’s version of Sliding Drawers. Adelaide If… Adelaide continue their current trajectory of success throughout this season into the next… Then… They want to think long and hard about what they do for a training camp this offseason. Brisbane If… Lachie Neale worked up much of a sweat… Then… Surely that arm tattoo would wipe straight off. It took me three quarters to realise that it wasn’t actually a paint scuff from the turf. Carlton If… Carlton sent their legal team to their back line… Then… They would not concede a single goal for the entire game. Any subsequent shot on goal would be let off on a technicality. Collingwood If… Collingwood attend the Royal Melbourne Show and enter the house of horrors… Then… Scott Pendlebury had better steer clear of the scary ghost that jumps out at you – Nathan Buckley casts shame on anyone who boo’s a champion. Essendon If… A decade of continual soft tissue injuries doesn’t do it for you… Then… A recent spat of broken bones will surely tip you over the edge. Fremantle – If… You’re invited to a frat party in Fremantle… Then… You’d best supply your own cups. Geelong If… The Cats take anything out of this year’s 15th anniversary of Dean Solomon elbowing Cameron Ling… Then… They should rejoice that the hit didn’t affect the rugged handsomeness of their premiership captain. Gold Coast If… Matt Rowell was sick of being called a midfield bull… Then… Eating grass does him no favours. GWS If… The Giants started selling Tom Green memberships… Then… They would likely outsell the club memberships. Hawthorn If… This club had any more internal fractures… Then… It would look like Jeremy Howe’s arm. Melbourne If… Clayton Oliver had a better haircut… Then… He would still probably need a better haircut. North Melbourne If… …there are to be any resurfacing works conducted at Arden Street. Then… … they had best be sure to work around any remains that resemble an ancient Indian burial ground. They couldn’t make things even worse, could they? Port Adelaide If… Ken Hinkley doesn’t call Dan from the box mid-game and start the conversation with: “Houston, we have a problem”… Then… I agree with Warren Treadra. Sack him! Richmond If… Richmond vs Port next week wasn’t already getting heated… Then… I propose Kane Cornes vs Damien Hardwick in a Rey/Eddie style ladder match for the custody of Tim Taranto, just to make things interesting. St Kilda If… Max King proposed to his mistress and Cameron Ling wanted him to play further up the ground… Then… The headlines would read: KING’S FLING EARNS BLING RING WHILST LING SINGS FOR KING TO BRING HIS THING TO THE WING. Sydney If… You say the anacronym COLA three times in front of a dark mirror… Then… Bloody Eddie will appear and tear your eyes out. West Coast If… Simmo wants to hand the reins of coaching to Gene Hackman… Then… I’m sure he’ll convince Keanu Reeves and a plethora of other ragtag actors to film The Replacements 2, at West Coast. Western Bulldogs If… Bayley Smith had metaphorical ice in his veins in the 2021 finals series… Then…. He will have literal ice in his veins during this weekend’s game in chilly Ballarat. And this one’s for the AFL…. If… The AFL wants to truly stamp out booing… Then… They had best start with those pesky Hawthorn supporters and their abhorrent treatment of Luke Breust every time he has gotten the ball over the years. Yep, Jimmy is taking this reeeeeaaaally seriously. It’s evident, right? Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.