For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of a football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Taylor Walker will accept a suspicious Facebook friend request from a farm named Kane’s Corns, offering a sponsorship proposal, only for pictures of his overindulging Christmas holiday to be leaked on Footy Classified the following day.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: When taking on his former side this week, Joe Daniher will request that his post-goal song be changed to Sweet Home Indooroopilly.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: When taking on the Bulldogs this week, Carlton will wear their home guernseys and finally be wearing more blue than their opposition. Which is ironic for a team named after that particular colour.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Jack Ginnivan will surprise everyone and score a bag this weekend….
Increasing his tally from four goals in four games.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: The AFL are set to announce new concessions for drafting Father-Son draft picks in the wake of the incoming Tasmanian side, allowing sons of players that have won a final for their club to now be eligible for selection at that particular club. This decision will not affect the Essendon Football Club in any way.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: Cricket fans will be bitterly disappointed this week when their opportunity to meet ‘Legendary Western Australian Coach, JL’ as advertised in the local rag, turns out to be Justin Longmuir and not Justin Langer.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Tom Hawkins will kick eight goals in a game for the first time in his career and join some elite company of octo-scorers such as: Kyle Reimers, Kent Kingsley, Jon Georgiadis and Jon Hutton.*
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: By the end of the season, the Gold Coast Suns will be the only AFL side to have lost a game in both Norwood, South Australia and Shanghai, China.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: After churning through too many stress balls in those gargantuan hands, the Giants will trial fidget spinners, pop-its and a Newton’s cradle in the coaches box to occupy coach Adam Kingsley.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Don Scott will lead a campaign which vehemently opposes VicRoads and their planned upgrades to Bridge Road, which runs from Melbourne right through the middle of Hawthorn and out through Camberwell. The upgrades are set to merge traffic and ease major congestion, but Scott insists that he will be dead and cold before he allows a merger between Melbourne and Hawthorn traffic.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Melbourne now hold the second-best odds behind West Coast for who will forfeit a game first this season, after all seven members of the Gold Coast cheersquad delay the Demons’ flight back to Melbourne by taking their bus hostage out of protest.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: Jaidyn Stephenson will be hired by Universal Pictures and cast as a replacement for actor Chad Lindberg in the latest upcoming instalment in the Fast and the Furious franchise; Fast 46: We Now Race Spaceships, playing the returning role of Jesse, who was mistakenly thought to have been killed off in the first movie for not paying a debt, back when times were simpler.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: A coronial inquest launched by Kane Cornes will find that 99.98% of booing at Port Adelaide games is actually Power fans cheering “DREWWWWW” at Willem Drew. The other .02% is made up of lost North Melbourne fans that are still trying to find their way out of Adelaide Hills after Gather Round, and Warren Treadra chanting “untena-BULLLLLLLLL” at Ken Hinkley.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Renowned South Wharf Korean restaurant UMMA Kitchen will seek legal advice against the Richmond Football Club after coach Damien Hardwick historically insists there was no Seoul at Docklands.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Ross Lyon will confuse his players when he instinctively suggests sending Ryan Crowley to tag Nick Murray this week, as the past trauma of damage done by a defender named Nick, from the Saints’ last trip to Adelaide when they took on Collingwood back in Gather Round, sets in.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Confusion will rain down at the SCG this week as Fremantle’s coach battles a sore throat, meaning Horse Longmire will be taking on a Hoarse Longmuir in a battle of the coaches boxes.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: The Australian Federal Police will look at rehoming a number of high-security prisoners somewhere that they can’t be a threat to anybody – the West Coast back line is currently a frontrunner under such criteria.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Rory Lobb will ease up on the peroxide and play the role of Marty’s dad in the upcoming movie Back to the Future: 4, replacing Crispin Glover. Literally, nobody will notice the difference.
- And yes, I know Hawkins already has eight goals, but I missed the boat a couple of weeks back and I may never get the chance to compare him to Kyle Reimers again
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
