For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and aligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: The Crows will not be awarded two premiership points from their loss to Collingwood, the league will not support the argument that some crows have the odd white feather in their plumage and are mistaken for magpies.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Charlie Cameron will channel his inner Mark ‘Jacko’ Jackson when he tells teammate Will Ashcroft that if the youngster steps into his forward line again, he will “f*cking kill him”, after Ashcroft stole Cameron’s Goal of the Year thunder last week.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Charlie Curnow will take the field for the Fish Creek Ferrets’ Under 11’s side this weekend as they take on the bottom-placed Walhalla Weasels, to appease the forward’s newfound taste for kicking bags of goals against defenceless opposition.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: A chain of barber shops will be purchased by the Collingwood Football Club, after their repeated success in a close shave.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Cloud
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: After this weekend’s dominant display and following suit of previously recruiting Paul Chapman and Matthew Stokes, the Bombers will now look to recruit yet another bulking Geelong forward once the goalkicking legend’s career comes to an end. James Podsiadly and Mitch Clark are the current frontrunners.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: After the horrific Rory Lobb backfire, the Dockers opted not to publicly market their in-jest Lachie Neale-branded Hazy IPA last week, with their Meek Performance Pilsner unlikely to get a run against the Hawks this week either.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Inspired by Tom Hawkins’ heroics last week, Corio’s St John’s Aged Care Facility will attempt breaking numerous longstanding Olympic records.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The Suns will gladly offer a helping hand to the new Tasmanian club, offering the AFL’s latest expansion club a list of national builders accredited to build demountable facilities of the highest quality.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: After Toby Greene’s heroics in last week’s Opera House Stoush* the Giants will back their ability to turn a most-hated athlete into everyone’s guy by attempting to recruit Jason Horne-Francis, Jake Stringer and Jack Ginnivan in the offseason.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: It will be revealed that Jeff Kennett blocked a bid prior to Andrew Gowers’ appointment as Hawthorn President, that would have seen Donald Trump named in the top job at the Hawks. Kennett refused to allow a former politician that’s hated more than himself to take the job.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Melbourne are back in the top two and flying, which means we are well overdue for Steven May to punch a teammate in public and cause a front-page-worthy ruckus.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: If North Melbourne win a flag this season they will build a statue of Alastair Clarkson out of old tins and mount it next to the existing James Brayshaw monument at Arden Street. If they don’t win a flag this year, they’ll stick with cardboard effigies of Harry Sheezel.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: David Koch will attempt to hire Hans Moleman as a PR Manager in the wake of the Jason Horne-Francis booing epidemic, hoping that the loveable character can convince opposition supporters to chant “Boo-urns” instead.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: As the Hardwick Hoodoo© at Marvel Stadium continues, we have exactly 13 weeks to prepare for the Tigers’ next match in Docklands. That means Richmond fans must travel approximately 446 metres per week, or 63.7 metres per day as they make their way down the gruelling trek from the MCG all the way over to the “Soul-less” Marvel Stadium.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Who would have thought that a team that started last season 5-1 under Brett Ratten would also start this season 5-1 under Ross the Boss.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: With Sydney’s Space Research Facility discovering a new star only visible at the MCG in the dying stages of the fourth quarter, they have opted to name it Leo Barry.
Tasmania
Sign: The Unknowns
Constellation: YungEinstein KingPonTing
Reading: The new Tasmanian side will ruffle feathers and switches when they anger both Collingwood and Port Adelaide, with their decision to be named The Port Arthur Panthers – using traditional black and white prison bars on the guernsey as a nod to Port Arthur’s historical penitentiary and the skin of a panther, whilst also becoming the only other AFL side named after a Port.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: In a desperate attempt to have his opinion remain relevant, Kane Cornes will shift his focus to labelling Fremantle players fat, since West Coast are struggling to field any side, let alone a fat one.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Former Bulldog Zephaniah Skinner will be recognised with the prestigious distinction of being the best Zephaniah to ever play AFL.
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