For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Matthew Nicks’ position as senior coach will be under fire as the Crows prepare to name the match-winner in this weekend’s Showdown as new coach, following suit of naming last year’s match-winner in Jordan Dawson getting named as captain for his efforts.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: The Gabba will receive a record breaking amount of telemarketer calls from energy companies in the coming weeks.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: The Royal Australian Air Force will be left bemused at the lack of support from Carlton after a recent visit to the club. Carlton CEO Brian Cook insists that the club was under no illusion, and are proud to be the Navy Blues, not the RAAF Blues.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Former coach Nathan Buckley will staunchly back his favourite brand of spark plug publicly, with current coach Craig McRae now opting to change to NGK spark plugs in all Magpies vehicles, Buckley will be quoted as saying – “shame on anyone that booed a Champion”.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: The Bombers will now allow people named ‘Owen’ to apply for club memberships, this season helping the club move past their historical trauma of starting every season 0-2 since the beginning of time.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: Swiss calibrated stopwatches will be included in all Fremantle membership packages going forward.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Jeremy Cameron will be cited for ball tampering after kicking another bag of goals this weekend thanks to his tried and true method of squashing the ball length-ways in his mammoth hands, multiple times before taking a set shot.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Charlie Ballard will henceforth be known as Charlie Cotchin – employing the tactic of a name change in a blatant bid to help his chances of getting off a clear-cut, indefensible suspension at the tribunal.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: There’s a great big sound from the west of the town – the sound of the Cabramatta over-60’s marching band rehearsing for the Western Sydney Battle of the (marching) Bands.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: In what the media are dubbing a ‘grudge match for the ages’, when North Melbourne take on Hawthorn in Tasmania this weekend, (still) Hawks president Jeff Kennett will make the trip to the apple aisle and have no choice but to unequivocally support his beloved team – the Jackjumpers.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: The recruiting of Brodie Grundy will pay for itself in spades when the Melbourne captain is Gawn…. for months with an MCL strain.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: North Melbourne’s latest sponsor Diageo will be forced to rename their most popular product United Distillers Limited vodka as Limited Distillers United vodka, with all premix cans now reading LDU instead of UDL.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: The Power will ditch their efforts to wear the prison bar guernsey in favour of the black and white rings and hoops after a 19 year old ran rings around them at the MCG last week.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Damien Hardwick will have a nasty verbal altercation with the staff at the merchandise booth of Marvel Stadium this year after being refused a refund on the accidental purchase of a Collingwood #35 Jersey, all because the Tigers don’t believe in tags. The incident will further incite the Richmond coach’s hatred for travelling to Marvel Stadium.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: After going 3-0 against the Bombers this weekend, thanks to the rehiring of Ross the Boss, the all-forgiving Saints fans will erect a bronze statue of Grant Thomas and welcome yet another former coach back with open arms.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: If Buddy Franklin mysteriously comes down with an unshakable bout of gastro that keeps the star forward from taking the field in the coming weeks, I would be searching Joel Amarty’s and Logan McDonald’s lockers for laxative packets.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: The AFL will issue an apology to West Coast when new sponsor Planet Ark signs a multi-million dollar sponsorship with the Eagles on the back of coach Adam Simpson’s blatant display of televised recycling enthusiasm last weekend.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: All basketball hoops are being removed from the kennel in an effort to halt any and all Dunks from the minds of Bulldogs players. I sense Tim Tams may be the next item to go.
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