For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and aligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Claude “Curls” Crow will be replaced as Adelaide’s mascot this season, I envision Alf Stewart and his infamous moniker “Stone the flamin’ Crows” as a front-runner for the position.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: QANTAS will offer a public apology for the delays caused in the Lion’s flight to Adelaide last weekend, after Brisbane fans living in Adelaide were left bemused when their side failed to turn up for their match against Port Adelaide.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: The Silvagni Family Christmas party will be an awkward affair this December when patriarch Stephen elects to attend the Lyon Family Christmas instead – just watch out for Ross during the festive season.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: After hearing of Collingwood’s recent backflip on allowing Port Adelaide to wear their prison bar style guernsey, iconic global brand Coca Cola will express an interest in returning to the AFL in a sponsorship role. Now that Eddie McGuire is no longer involved with the club, the former club President’s firm, anti-COLA stance will not stand in the way of such an agreement. Pepsi will soon follow suit.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Bunnings will receive an inundation of refund requests for Bailey ladders from Essendon supporters in the coming weeks, as the supporter base is untrained in occupational health and safety laws regarding use of the top rung of a ladder. Once the team and the supporters alike come crashing back to earth, a class action may be on the cards.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: I envision the state government enforcing a blanket ban on any decorative flags being placed above fireplaces in Perth, as any talk or action regarding Flags and Mantles are now prohibited.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: The Scott brothers have finally played the switcheroo party trick that we’ve long theorised, as a Brad-led team sits atop the ladder and a Chris-led team sits in the bottom six. They’re not fooling anybody.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The King returns! In a moment of sheer emotion, I see the endearing joy on the faces of all Gold Coast residents as Burger King makes its triumphant return to Ashmore, after briefly closing for renovations.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: The Giants will change their official club colours from orange to Greene this season, as the once orange tsunami takes on a shade of Shrek’s swamp, paying homage to their lord and saviours Toby and Tom.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: I sense a tough season lying ahead for former West Coast legend and current Hawthorn coach Sam Mitchell.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: I am certain that a star player will not be available next week, but who? Well I just can’t Pickett..
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: So, join in the chorus and sing it one and all. Join in the chorus, Stereophonics on the ball – Sheezel right, Sheezel right, Sheezel right, Sheezel right, Sheezel right, Sheezel okay, Sheezel with me.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Fans will be given the chance to vote in an AFL first next week, with the four points along with the rights to wear the black and white to be decided by a football match, or by the winner of a jelly wrestling match between Eddie McGuire and David Koch.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: The Tigers will remove all Arts classes from the players training schedule this week in an effort to remove drawing from their game. I sense that Jake Aarts saw the writing on the wall late last season.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Corey Worthington will host St Kilda’s end of year party this season in an effort to top historical efforts at Mad Monday by Saints players and Christmas parties by Ross Lyon.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: in other gang related news, extra security will be in place for Sydney’s round 11 clash against Carlton, As the Bloods are set to take on Cripps and his men in blue.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: The Eagles will make an audacious play to recruit Crows duo Harry Schoenberg and Elliot Himmelberg, along with GWS defender Harry Himmelberg, Port Adelaide’s Miles Bergman and North Melbourne’s Miller Bergman in an effort to appease sponsor Hungry Jacks, simply because the ‘Bergs are better there.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: All eyes on the Bulldogs post-match press conferences this season will be disappointed, as coach Luke Beveridge is Freed From (his) Desire to lash out at reporters.
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