For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and aligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: After another season finishing in the lower echelons of the ladder, the time is nigh to employ some brilliant collective minds and organise a pre-season camp for 2023. I see great unity and team bondage in the stars as a result.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: With a number of positional changes imminent, you can expect Joe Daniher to be named as acting Coach in the absence of Chris Fagan, with Dayne Zorko appointed as acting motivational speaker and opposition-liaison-officer, and Brendan Fevola managing club finances.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggius
Reading: Player payments are set to be slashed next year as the rising cost of repairs to Captain Carlton’s hovercraft, which tragically struck a shopping trolley and sank during the Grand Final parade on the Yarra this year, skyrocket. After being door stopped, Steven Silvagni will insist that Liam Stocker made it to a lifeboat and was not a casualty in Melbourne’s worst ever maritime disaster.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: With McStay deciding to McGo and DeGoey deciding to DeStayey, Collingwood will officially record the most Pun-derful trade period to date. The lack of departing ruckman puns written in the stars with week will really Grundy my gears.
Essendon
Sign: The Aluminium Cloud
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Locked in a constant battle with North Melbourne and Hawthorn on the Scandal Scale, the Bombers are once again in search of a new CEO. After being asked “What’s a day in the life of an Essendon CEO like?”, Andrew Thorburn will nab an opportunity elsewhere, with Margaret Court the next likely candidate in line to replace him in the top job at Essendon.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: I foresee trade negotiations between Fremantle and Western breaking down when Melbourne-based hairdressers are unable to provide enough peroxide to accommodate Rory Lobb’s needs. All excess supplies within Victoria are permanently allotted to the needs of Matt Guelfi at Essendon and Jack Ginnivan at Collingwood.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Geelong have reached capacity in their annual quota of feel-good stories, with other clubs such as Essendon, Gold Coast Hawthorn and North Melbourne all launching enquiries to the AFL into the possibility of rolling over their abundant unused credits into next season.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle4.Relevance
Reading: Oprah Winfrey will launch a cease and desist into the generosity of Gold Coast, after the Suns apply to the AFL for extra priority picks, with the only intention of giving them all away to other clubs, along with their overpaid players. You get a player, you get a draft pick, everybody gets players and draft picks!
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Inbound senior coach Adam Kingsley will be forced to take two weeks away from the club and attend an agricultural education course on breeding cattle, with the Giants board averse to having a coach that can’t fit the club ethos of the Blacktown Breeding Grounds; developing players for four years only to be traded away to other teams when beginning to hit their straps.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Multiple dramas will ensue at the Hawthorn Best and Fairest gala dinner this offseason. Firstly, All Australian selectors will strip James Sicily of his 2022 Peter Crimmins Medal on merit, and award it retrospectively to Billy Hartung. Secondly, a stark contrast in opposing dress codes between Crown Casino and the Hawthorn Football Club will see the event forced into an eleventh hour venue change, as the Crown Entertainment Complex are at odds with Hawthorn over whether players must wear shirts with long sleeves and no designer ripped jeans on the prestigious red carpet.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusationeris
Reading: Headlines will read: “Melbourne’s Mad Monday Mixup” as the Demons annual event for the Keith ‘Bluey’ Truscott Memorial Trophy awarded to the player adjudicated Best and Fairest for the season is marred with controversy this year. With staff at the high-end French restaurant charged with hosting the event initially denying both Steven May and Jake Melksham entry, thanks to the two player’s chosen outfits for the night being mistaken as Mad Monday costumes. Apparently Jake Lever wheeling Steven May in on a trolley sporting a straight jacket and Hannibal Lecter mask, combined with Jake Melksham’s pair of pet cones fixed to each of his hands didn’t quite fit the venue’s strict dress code, although both outfits were considered mandatory Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) for public events by the Melbourne Football Club.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinsium
Reading: The AFL will consider stripping North Melbourne of one of their awarded compensation picks as remuneration for the growing costs in labelling and name tags at the club. With the Arden Street revolving door seeing daily changes to recruiting staff, medical staff, coaches, players, CEOs and board members, the club will initially be urged to only recruit staff named Jack, but after seeing mixed results for this method at St Kilda, the decision will ultimately be made to nickname everyone Boomer.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertonium Tarpaulin
Reading: Thanks to crowd sizes increasing in recent seasons, the infamous Port Power Tarps that have laid dormant in Alberton storage facilities alongside boxes of dusty, unused prison bar guernseys and glass bottles containing David Koch’s opinions, will now be part of a trade to get former #1 Draft Pick Jason Horne-Francis to the club. North Melbourne, who initially requested two first round picks, Zak Butters, 8,000 members and Byron Pickett back, are said to be firming on the offer of at least two additional tarpaulins, capable of covering multiple bays at Marvel Stadium for the upcoming season. The head of the North Melbourne cheer squad is unavailable for comment over the expected timeline in painting the tarps blue and white.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: The Richmond Football Club is set to be rocked by a massive scandal, as historical footage of club legend Jack Dyer alongside a female companion at the beach surfaces. According to sources close to the leak, the bathing suit worn by the lady in question sat further than an inch above her knees in the modest era, causing the club to spiral into an indecent exposure fiasco. Coach Damien Hardwick had the following to say: “Weak fucking pricks. Come over here and I’ll show you how much knee was really showing.”
And followed it up with a complaint about the beach in question being so close to Marvel Stadium, and so far away from the MCG, that the fans, the players and Jack Dyer himself just hated going there.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: The St Kilda fire brigade won’t be having a Christmas party this year. Unfortunately, their annual budget-booster of callouts to the Football Club’s Mad Monday celebrations weren’t forthcoming this year, as the players decided to light up cigarettes instead of the entertainment.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Sydney Swans will opt for an Adelaide-like training camp this offseason after their heavy Grand Final loss at the hands of Geelong. With reports that players will be subjected to such arduous tasks as running laps whilst being forced to watch footage of Luke Parker’s taunt directed at Dylan Shiel, swimming laps in an inflatable pool filled with Buddy Franklin’s baby oil and memorising the outcomes of each of Dr. Edelstein’s malpractice suits.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: Kane Cornes will announce a new partnership with Globo Gyms, and even take on some Eagles players for training with his Purple Cobras. His first TV ad has him quoted as saying: “Hey, Willie, Hey Elliot. Looking good. Here at Globo Gym, we understand that “Ugliness” and “Fatness” are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it’s only your fault if you don’t hate yourself enough to do something about it.”
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfielderiusAbundance
Reading: A resoundingly successful series of offseason anger management classes will see coach Luke Beveridge offer an olive branch to long-time nemesis Damian Barrett, seeing the two sign up to night school plumbing apprenticeships together, in an attempt to repair some of the leaks within the football club. Bulldogs sympathiser, Tom Morris is also enjoying his new employment driving trucks for Lindsay Fox, finally in a job where Fox really does back him.
