I was once asked whether I believed Mrs Mongrel to be a little nuts.
I was taken aback by it – did I believe? Like I don’t live with her every day of my life? I don’t believe it… I know it! And below you will find the inarguable proof. Once a year, Mrs Mongrel emerges, like Michael Buble at Christmas, for her one dalliance with footy. Her Grand Final review is held in high regard by those with low expectations, and this year is no exception.
With that in mind, I hand the reins of The Mongrel Punt over to my lovely wife. Here are her thoughts on the big day.
Mrs Mongrel’s 2025 Grand Final Review
Hello there mongrels. Our time has come around again. Many new and exciting things have happened this year, the most important being that I went to my very first football game! Hawks vs Eagles.
Did I actually want to see Hawks vs Suns so I could gawk at Matt Rowell? Yes, obviously. But it was fine. I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. Seats were a bit squashy though. I told HB next time I am bringing a friend who can sit nestled all cosily between me and a stranger.
Now here’s the real meat for the sandwich. BOOKTOK. Sexy fantasy books being reviewed and discussed on social media. Phew. As I am not a TikTok user, I am happy to note that Instagram still loves to delve into the steamy side of reading. Why is this relevant? Have you not noticed that everyone’s favourite Lion kind of looks like an elf? Lachie Neale’s not my type, but I KNOW some of you are booktokers or your gfs/wives are, and believe me, if you mention it they are going to discover an interest in AFL.
The other little bit of excitement was a long time coming. Halo. All of it. One of my friends, who I will refer to as Tower of Terror because he is 8ft tall (or something) convinced me to try out Halo and all we have done this year is run through every campaign possible. To the point that he wouldn’t do Halo 5 with me until I finished Halo Wars 1 & 2. My favourite part, by far, is the time we spend after a campaign, either blowing each other up or falling off things to our doom. Highly recommended, though I haven’t quite managed to get the hang of the grappling hook. As an aside, if you want to be my xbox friend in Fallout 76 and help me, please do, because I get super scared roaming around on my own.
Now that the important stuff is over, let’s talk fashion. I am in some black gym pants, and a fluffy black top. Very fetching. HB is in grey sweatpants (ladies, I know, he doesn’t even do it on purpose) and a Mongrel Punt hoodie. Honestly I am disappointed in our fit. Might throw to the mongrel crowd for suggestions for next year.
Like last year, I am going for the Lions. Largely because I am allergic to cats. One can argue that Lions are just bigger cats, but I stand by my choice because a lion would kill me before I do my little allergy sneeze.
HB is also going for Brisbane. I think he is copying me because I am almost always right. Our external footballing expert, Mark, thinks Geelong will win but doesn’t care either way. My feral friends are going for the Lions, though one didn’t understand what was happening when I asked. We did, however, as a collective, agree that rugby players have the most magnificent legs of all.
Pre-Game nonsense
Let’s kick this off with the freudian slip of the year. The first important thing that has happened is the little parade they had for retiring players. Super cute, and Nat Fyfe didn’t turn up because he went to India instead. Now I am ALL for that. When I retire I will vanish in a haze of smoke and… honestly I had a very destructive train of thought that I was going to continue with but then HB said “hey honey, it’s Matt Rowell”. AND IT WAS. What. A. Cutie.
According to my feral friends, it is acceptable for me to say respectful things about him and his cuteness. Anyone over 25 should cop the worst of my disrespectful thoughts. Agreed.
But while I was fangirling out about our red headed brownlow Adonis, HB pointed out that Abbey Holmes had came out with this piece of brilliance:
BREAST AND FAIREST. Abbey Abbey Abbey. What have you been watching, and why were you watching it before you speak in public?? Girl please. Or, and this is valid, were you thinking about chicken? Because I think of chicken about five times a day without prompting.
Anyway, that fella who does the Cazaly song is on again. Best known as the father of the Titanic guy from YouTube.
HB is trying to get me back on track, and has said that whoever wins here becomes the most successful team of the current century. I was about to tell him that barely means anything because the century has hardly started. Then I remembered… a quarter has passed.
And here is Snoop. All I know of this man is he was in a HILARIOUS video clip where this gorgeous thick woman was in bed with him and honestly, it did him no favours at all.
Snoop is quite close in age to HB. And Snoop has his name on his clothes in case he gets lost. I am now looking at HB wondering if I should subtly replace his Mongrel Punt jumpers with “Mongrel Punt HB”.
Snoop just said ‘hoes’. Martha Stewart really got him into the home and gardening business huh.
This is kind of weird and boring for me, but I do like the cute berets the dancers are wearing.
Because I am bored I am going to submit a list of potential acts for next year. AFL, you can use this for free but I want a meet and greet with the Suns. A Sun.
- Ratcat. Simon Day was my first crush and honestly I am still a bit smitten. Get the man back.
- Savage Garden. Oh my lord, that would go OFF.
- Silverchair. C’mon. I’m an 80s baby.
- TISM. This would be hilarious. 10/10
- Tame Impala. But also, just get Ratcat because nobody can top them.
Right, it’s done (finally) and we can now have a sneak peek into the pep-talk room. For some reason, two blokes have their shirts off. I didn’t notice this, HB did. Then he told me. I suspect that HB knows he is a 10 and all others are 9 or below so he has no issue with pointing out things he knows I will like.
Anyway. Last year they had Tina Arena as the guest star. This year Jessica Mauboy? She wasn’t funny at all. I want someone hilarious. Someone shocking. Get Cher. At least this year they didn’t bother with CGI. I think that’s an improvement.
I have asked HB what he thinks about each team. Mainly, who am I looking for? HB says the Lion forwards are babies. Logan Morris who is 20, and Ty Gallop who is 19. OMG INFANTS. HB just said “they have a total combined age of less than you”. How dare you sir.
HB says we are waiting for Bailey Smith to give the fans a finger. Or maybe even a ‘double-banger’. I don’t think he’s allowed to do that to the fans right now.
He is now telling me that number 46 from the Cats used to be a steeplechaser. What on earth is a steeplechaster? Like with the horses? I laughed my head off, HB is so cute and so old.
Lachie Neale is starting as a sub. I asked why, and HB said cos he was injured. I rightly pointed out that he was probably just taking his time recovering from his time with the Fae. I also said that if he is a sub that was injured then his Dom isn’t very good, and he no-sold that, because he was expecting it. I need to up my game.
Kane Cornes is on TV. HAHAHAHAHA Giggity.
HB just said “this newsreader has nice hair”. I almost got jealous, but honestly her hair is stunning.
We are now laughing at the Cats and their headbands. What the heck boys. Some of you could use a haircut, others need a simple elastic band and some clips. Don’t they ever fall off? I feel like they fall off. I’ve tried to use them before and despite my best efforts and nobody tackling me (the injustice) they always annoyed me and came off.
Ok enough babble, it’s on.
1st Quarter:
Why is free to air coverage so bad? I could do better live streaming from my phone. My substandard and very old phone. Damn channel 7, this is embarrassing.
First cuddle, Fletcher and Mannagh just slung each other to the ground.
Oisin Mullin is on Hugh McCluggage and HB says he is good at stopping him. Why hasn’t anyone just brought the motion to the Oisin and smashed into him? Good lord, just took a look and that is one handsome fella. I apologise Oisin, the smashing shouldn’t come from other players. Godspeed young man.
Kai Lohmann is looking rough. Got a big old cut. Who got him? Whoever it is has a sharp old knee.
Zac Bailey. He’s off to a tough start. He has two points now. HB is saying there’s a lot of nerves in this game. I get nervous finding a seat on the train, I’d be crying my eyes out if I had to play in a final. To be fair, the train is far more dangerous.
According to the commentators, Dangerfield is going to ‘get some attention’. Which HB says means he needs the bathroom. HB is very alarmed by this, as it happened last game as well, but honestly, he’s probably just well hydrated. Who hasn’t decided to drink more water to be healthy and then realised what that actually entails?
A commentator just said something about Gryan Miers and ‘a little one’. That is a very rude thing to say.
I need to ask HB if you’re allowed to tackle someone when they don’t have the ball but he is watching intently. I have worked very hard on noting whether or not he is available for questions during his work time this year so I don’t ruin his concentration. Mongrels, you are all welcome.
HB says Geelong is finding space better than the Lions. From my view, the Lions are fumbling the ball. I made a great joke about fumbling balls but HB didn’t laugh because he wasn’t listening because he was working. Oops.
Ah Chee is kicking for goal. Cmon bro, I need a Lions win today to end the season on a nice note. Aw it’s a point.
HB is saying that the last time they played, Mark O’Connor and Cam Rayner were at it the whole time. He said that. Not me. What does he expect a regular non footy person to think here…
Oisin the handsome is on the bench, McCluggage did something good and now Oisin is coming back. HAHAHA. That’s a win all round really isn’t it?
Lohmann has kicked a goal. HB says he used to have hair that looked like a video game character. He didn’t produce evidence so I am just left hanging here.
I don’t know what it is about Geelong, I just really want the Lions to give them a good pounding today.
Aw hell. Zac Bailey has kicked three points. I think he’s thinking too much now.
SUCK! Oisin has kicked a goal. I am mildly annoyed.
Brian Taylor said something about the little man talking in Zac Bailey’s ear. That’s what I just said BT, you are behind the game. It’s now four points to Bailey.
I love how the men just dive forward whacking their arms down so stiffly. From now on if HB throws something to me, I might just whack it to the floor and say it’s a smother. I’m sure that won’t get old fast.
The two Ashcroft brothers just gave up at the same time and some Cat came along and scooped up the ball. Maybe they need to do a Danger and go get some attention.
Well that’s done. I am concerned, I always win and it’s looking pretty even right now.
2nd Quarter:
And we are back. HB is in the kitchen making me a cup of tea. I feel a bit bad, I should really be on tea duty since it’s not like I’m watching this with real attention. The kid is next to me playing his Bluey guitar. In my ear.
The commentator notes this is the second time Charlie Cameron has fallen over. Is that notable? In real life it is, but in a game? I fell off my work chair twice this year. It was commented on.
HB is telling me something about rocking the opposition to sleep. I would love to be rocked to sleep.
Crud. Number 12 from Geelong got a goal. Jack Bowes. Apparently Geelong got him from the Suns for basically nothing? Makes sense, they got to keep everyone’s favourite, Matt Rowell.
Not going to lie, I am kind of wondering if the Lions will rev up. Andrews just tripped over some guy. Was very two left feet.
Blondie Mcblonde who is 10 feet tall, just overtook Charlie Cameron. Was wild to watch. Would be scary as all hell to have him chasing you.
Logan Morris took a mark and HB clapped him and said ‘good boy’. High praise from the big fella.
Oh well done, he got a goal for the Lions. HB is raving about him. He is so young looking. I am feeling mildly protective, like maybe he shouldn’t be playing such a rough game…
Oh this is so stressful. The quality of the footage is terrible and I can’t see what is happening. Charlie Cameron just got a goal and I am in hysterics.
Some ad for a meat master or something just came on and HB (who hates ads more than the average person) says ‘shut up. Imagine being you’. Hehehe
Some Lions decided to double team Bailey Smith, they just smushed him right up in a sandwich. Was sort of funny.
Bruce did some cute side stepping there. I liked it. Love nimble feet.
Geelong gets a free kick, but it only ended up in a point. I am low-key celebrating.
Oisin and McCluggage. Why is Oisin so good looking, it’s embarrassing. He should be in a movie where he’s in uniform and has just returned from WW2.
McCluggage just beat Oisin and took a mark. Then a goal! HB says the Lions are all ribbing Oisin saying ‘that’s your man’. I like to think they are all asking him for a date.
Oisin just got caught holding the ball. I missed it because I was on instagram.
Bruce and Henry? What is this, why are these names coming back? I can’t really talk, my name is hilariously strange. But still, this game is my period film fantasy right now.
The crowd is booing Bailey Smith for no real reason.
Jeremy Cameron is on screen retying his shoes. Obviously this is important stuff to screen. I wonder if he uses the bunny ears technique.
Gryan and Fletcher are on the ground having a tussle and shorts have gone up and I AM SEEING MORE THAN I SHOULD BE. What the hell are the camera people doing, allow these men some dignity! And if I am saying that then you know it’s bad.
Tall-y mcsuper tall Shannon Neale just kicked a goal from 60m out. That was ridiculous.
The Lions followed that up where Levi just kicked a goal from about 50. His first year, and he is the youngest player at 18. This is adorable.
HB took the desk and the office chair in our lounge room where we work from. That’s right, we don’t have an office, we literally sit in our house working. I kind of feel like I deserve the desk more since I am the guest, but that’s fine I guess.
Jeremy Cameron is injured? And it was from Danger’s head! I think.
Brad Close got a goal for Geelong. How is there a tie right now? I am weeping.
Jeremy Cameron is holding his arm, but he’s still out there? I feel like they should probably take him off?
After some slick business, Bruce has the ball! Annnnnd nothing much happens.
Seems like there is a bit of Vic bias going on here in terms of free kicks…
And it’s done. Half way through. I made it.
Oooo it is the half time sprint. I forgot about this. My money is on Toby Greene.
Gout Gout is there, and getting a huge cheer from the crowd.
The race is on and it’s Jed from the Suns! Big fella! GO THE SUNS. And in leggings too. Love to see that. Big men should get a discount on leggings. Toby almost came last. Good thing I don’t actually bet.
Gout Gout having a chat with Bruce the elder. I like him. Hope he has a long career.
3rd Quarter:
In a move that startles no-one, The Fae King is being put into the game. Lachie Neale is in. Go you elvish good thing.
Danger is feeling the guilt as Cameron has a little brace on his arm. Not your fault mate. Some people have really big thick skulls. Take HB for example. His head is larger and more solid than normal.
Harris Andrews got a free kick. Hurrah.
Another free kick, this time for Rayner. HB says that someone had a word to the umps.
Brad Close is a curious looking fellow. He reminds me of Gomez Addams. I bet the ladies love him.
Cameron has the ball. He got a point because his arm is all busted because Danger used it as a pillow.
Zorko is a wild animal isn’t he? He just grabs the ball and slings it forward so… prettily.
Zac Bailey got a goal! His first. It looked like an accident but we’ll take it.
I asked HB if Danger has played well today. He smiled and said ‘not at all.’
A commentator just said “Andrews takes it in the tackle”. We should do a commentator award. I’ll be the judge.
Rayner just kicked it right to the Cats. Omg awful.
Cameron just tackled a guy, whacked his arm on the ground and is now on his knees, his arm is stuffed from Dangerfield’s mace-like head.
BT has just asked how can this game get any hotter. I have some ideas…
Who is the Geelong player with the mustache… I might swap teams.
And how come Harris Andrews always manages to just find himself alone. Then the ball is in his hands and he’s off again. Isn’t anyone watching him? He seems like a threat.
Oh god it’s even again. 44 to 44.
Zac Bailey has missed again. 1 goal and 5 points. I think at this stage he needs a pep talk and a faith healer.
Big close up of some guy’s butt and another guy’s face emerging from his crotch. No notes. I bet this is the same camera person who did the other crotch shot. There’s a certain cinematic style going on.
That was exciting! Pass the parcel happened and now Charlie Cameron has the ball!
Look at his arms. The definition. My god.
And he got a goal! Hurrah!
Holy heck he did it again and just kicked his third goal!
HAHAH! Now The Fae King kicked a goal! He is doing some kind of victory kneel. Pretty sure he does yoga, he has some good hip flexibility.
4th Quarter:
It’s time for me to ask the big question. What do I get if Brisbane win? HB said ‘oh you can probably choose dinner.’
No deal sunshine.
He thinks.
‘You could buy yourself a small present? From Amazon?’
The questioning tone leaves plenty of room for negotiation so I am satisfied. It will be a little haul from Adore Beauty so I get my special timtam. If you know, you know.
It’s on again. Charlie Cameron has the ball again and boom, he has another goal! HB is elated, says he is thrilled for him. He’s had a rough year. And so has Charlie. HAHAHAHA
Jeremy Cameron is back… what the hell. That’s irresponsible. Surely he’s actually hurt? If they come out and say he has a broken arm but they put him in anyway, then someone in charge should be fired, that’s really messed up.
Our toddler son has stolen the biscuits. He jammed them all in his mouth, then said ‘biccie?’ Got to love his confidence. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
Ashcroft has kicked to Zac Bailey, who isn’t having the best time, but that’s ok, maybe he’ll come good. HB says ‘he kicked one…’ I pointed out that one was an accident.
And he got a point. He needs a rest. A holiday. Anyone want to sponsor me taking him to Greece? I am GREAT at giving pep talks.
Somehow Charlie Cameron gets the ball. HB says Logan Morris got in the way of two Geelong players and that’s what gave Cameron the chance. He’s pretty impressed by this Morris kid.
Blicavs kicks a goal that was handed to the Cats because he got a 50m penalty. For some weak infringement or something. I don’t know.
Cam Rayner kicked a goal!
Somehow Lachie Neale kicked the ball, then also arrived to tussle over the ball. What the heck. Must be his fae magic.
Will Ashcroft kicked a goal. I have a note saying it was ridiculous, but I didn’t say WHY it was ridiculous. I do this a lot at my job as well. Write myself a note, but don’t provide enough info so I have to decide if I trust past me or not. It’s no way to live.
Josh Dunkley got crunched by some Cats, then got up and is smiling. HB says he is a hard nut. Someone at work said that about me the other day but it was in the context of me being difficult.
Big O has the ball, and of course, now that Oisin has gone, McCluggage has the ball and kicks a goal.
Ty Gallop! Leaps out of nowhere like a wild stallion and he has taken the mark!
Just asked HB if the Cats can win with 10 minutes left. Nup. It’s over he says. I never believe him.
Zac Bailey just got his second goal. I’m delighted for him. Poor fella.
Jeremy Cameron is hurting. It is horrible to watch him. I am irate for him.
Zac Bailey has another one! Oh he’s redeemed himself!
Rayner tackled Bailey Smith and the headband has come off! I called it.
Yeah, there’s four minutes to go but I think this is absolutely over. Props to the Cats for still trying though.
Zorko is hilarious, yelling “FUCK YEAH” at the crowd.
More Zorko please.
Ashcroft with his little moustache and prince charming hair – someone help the poor lad, he’s in a phase.
McCluggage just kicked his fourth. Where is Oisin?
Bailey Smith, still yappin’, gives Harris Andrews a shove. Andrews takes it with a smile because Smith is a child and there’s… there’s only four years between them. Well that’s embarrassing.
Oh I see why Smith is pissed. His headband is still gone. Someone help him. His locks will get in his eyes.
Ollie Dempsey kind of looks like Putin. And so, by default, has a passing resemblance to Hailey Bieber (Justin Bieber’s wife).
The Cats are trying their best to close the colossal gap but nah man.
At some angles, Blicavs looks like Grug from The Croods. Thought I’d get through this whole article without mentioning the amazing Nic Cage, didn’t ya?
Ok, the whole business is done. It’s over. Brisbane have smashed the Cats and won a back to back premierships!
That’s it for me, a big tackle-esque hug from your favourite non-footy fan, stick with us in 2026.
Norm Smith: Will Ashcroft (again).
Cutest on ground: Matt Rowell (he counts, he went on the ground). Second place is Oisin, obviously
Potential for scandal: Dayne Zorko (again). He let me down a bit.
Best what is happening here: The whole Jeremy Cameron incident. A black mark on the day.
Like this content? You could buy Mrs Mongrel a coffee – she does like coffee, but there is no guarantee she won’t use it to buy a donut… Hell, buy her a donut voucher. She works in the city, she could eat it and wouldn’t even have to share.
