Jimmy Ayres is a slippery sucker. And his drawers are especially slidey.
Here are his Round Three offerings.
Adelaide
If…
Ben Keays injured himself trying to subdue last week’s “streaker”…
Then…
Would he sue the security at Adelaide Oval? – and likewise, if Ben Keays had injured the “streaker”, then would the pitch invader have attempted to sue the Adelaide Football club (a la the Cricket Australia/Adam Symonds streaker debacle of yesteryear)?
Brisbane
If…
You could have written the script any better for the reigning Grand Finalists to face off with one another in their first rematch, both under a cloud of having not won a game for the season…
Then…
You would have gone on strike last year with the rest of the Writers Guild.
Carlton
If…
We finally get to see Harry McKay versus his twin brother Ben this week…
Then…
I’ll be shocked – because Ben now plays for Essendon.
Collingwood
If…
Anyone is sitting back rubbing his hands together, schemingly, thinking of how the tables have turned..
Then…
It’s Jack Ginnivan, in the wake of Scott Pendlebury and Josh Daicos coming under fire for attending an F1 gala the night before a football game.
Essendon
If…
There is a lesson to be learnt from last week…
Then…
It is: SAY NOTHING. If you dish up a lacklustre performance, then you’re dragged through the coals for not playing hard enough. If you identify this as a weakness and an area to address, then actively work on that facet of your game but wind up losing the game of football, you’re still dragged through the coals, this time for trying too hard to be something that you’re not. If you give them enough rope, they will surely string you up with it.
Fremantle
If…
There is a harder team to write quirky pieces on this season than Fremantle…
Then…
I’m yet to stumble upon them.
Geelong
If…
You started last week’s game as massive odds-on underdogs to beat the Crows…
Then…
It either says something about your team this season, or something about those making the odds. My money is on the latter.
Gold Coast
If…
One thing disappointed me more than anything else this week…
Then…
It was when I discovered that the only reference I could find to ‘Papa’s got a brand new bag of toys’ in pop culture was the lyrics to Just Lose It by Eminem. I had much greater expectations on this line of enquiry when researching more Dimma Quotes content.
GWS
If…
The Giants played West Coast last week, then followed it up with an actual Bye this week…
Then…
In the interest of fairness, I feel like I, too, deserve a Bye from writing about them.
Hawthorn
If…
You read my Sliding Drawers for Gold Coast this week…
Then…
You may be happy to learn that during my research I re-discovered the song Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag by James Brown – I’m keeping this powder dry for any small forwards that happen to frequent toilet cubicles during the off season.
Melbourne
If..
It starts raining soon…
Then…
Keep the club doctors away from the tarps – if they cover anything up, the media will find out about it, eventually.
North Melbourne
If…
I’m legally obliged to hide at least one Simpsons reference in each article somewhere..
Then…
This week, Clarko is Grandpa Simpson – who can’t go five seconds without humiliating himself. Except I’m shifting the parallel to Mr Burns asking him: “can’t you go five seconds without abusing someone” to which Clarko screams in return “HOW FUCKING LONG WAS THAT!?”.
Port Adelaide
If…
Port had any aspirations of sending a player to the Olympics…
Then…
That hope was dashed when they traded their star archer to Essendon, last season.
Richmond
If…
There’s a story somewhere about a captain of a ship abandoning it as it begins to sink, then an heroic understudy standing up to commandeer said sinking ship, bravely..
Then…
Adem Yze would play the role of the brave soul taking over the post, whilst Damien Hardwick swims to shore and finds himself a toy factory to manage.
St Kilda
If…
Mason Wood’s injury robbed us of one thing…
Then…
It was the potential opportunity of having him line up on Mason Cox – Mason vs Mason, Wood vs Cox – a battle of names, a battle of innuendoes. The script would have written itself.
Sydney
If…
Tom Papley had given his own teammates the same advice he gave Essendon players last week, during the 2022 Grand Final…
Then…
Perhaps they would all have taken home premiership medals that day.
West Coast
If…
The 100 point losses are now 50 point losses…
Then…
That’s an improvement… right?
Western Bulldogs
If…
I am to admit that I’m a little embarrassed this week…
Then….
It’s because I only just put together the irony of Cody Weightman’s nickname being ‘Flea’ when he plays for the Dogs.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
You’ve sat through each drug saga and controversy within the AFL over the past couple of decades AND you’re actually surprised that the AFL were involved and had ulterior knowledge of inner going-ons..
Then…
Plain and simple – you’re an idiot.