For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: The stars show me Adelaide midfielders feeding Tex the ball in the forward line for two reasons: 1) to try and catch Charlie Curnow for the Coleman Medal, and 2) to get payback on the Eagles for feeding Josh Kennedy like a remorseless eating machine in his final game, against them last year.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: When the stars mentioned Deven Robertson being ripped last week, I didn’t know if they meant his jumper or his chest.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: All of a sudden, the Carlton Football Club will be inundated with coincidental requests for replacement membership cards to purchase finals tickets.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Anyone wondering what a “cakewalk” actually is, just tune into this week’s game.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: The last time Essendon wore a seatbelt inspired jumper was 13 years ago, late in the 2010 season, versus Collingwood. The subsequent margin at the final siren was 98 points. The odds of Deja Vu are ever increasing.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: If the Dockers ball use was as classy as their retro kits, they would win a Grand Final.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Patrick Dangerfield’s name will be thrown out there as an American Presidential candidate, the fifth Beatle and as host of the Rural Victorian Commonwealth Games.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Banana Boat will make a wise approach to Damien Hardwick as a personal sponsor. Anything to avoid him burning out. The stars foresee potential deals with TAC: Dob in a Hoon, Berocca and the CFA – anything to prevent burnout.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Essendon were as efficient at putting an end to Hogan’s shenanigans as Colonel Klink was.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Hawthorn must look at Clarko like that much older, psycho ex-girlfriend that we all dated in our late teens. You appreciate what you had for the fun times it brought you and all the things you learnt along the way, but God-damn you’re glad that they’re somebody else’s hot mess now.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Simon Goodwin will this week criticise Cinderella for, like Finn Maginness, also running away from the ball.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: The stars warn Sam Mitchell to vigorously avoid any offer of home-made beef Wellington from Alistair Clarkson, especially if Clarko foraged his own mushrooms.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Power will go to a lot of trouble to farewell a VFL player this week.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: The stars warn that Richmond gags will largely dry up now that Damien Hardwick jokes are categorised under Gold Coast.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: The stars couldn’t answer me whether Ross Lyon is a regular nugget, or a cheesy nugget kind of guy.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: The Sydney Swans are that side that miraculously always have a Get Out Of Jail Free card when playing monopoly.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: No Harley? You wouldn’t Reid about it.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: If Luke Beveridge was in charge of the Olympics, he would have Ian Thorpe doing shotput, Cathy Freeman in equestrian, Betty Cuthbert on the skateboard and Steve Hooker in rowing.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
