If there was one thing that Jimmy Ayres couldn’t stomach after moving house last week, it was yet another set of sliding drawers..
So making his triumphant return this week… here is the man with so much WD40, he’s flammable, Jimmy Ayres.
Adelaide
If…
The goal umpires were still sponsored by OPSM…
Then…
I would have said – “Should have gone to Specsavers”
Brisbane
If…
I had a rig that looked half as good as Dev Robertson’s…
Then…
The property steward would love me, because I would be just painting my footy jumper on each week.
Carlton
If…
There was someone who benefited greatly from Carlton’s resurgence…
Then…
Surely it would be Harvey Norman, with an influx of microwave sales to replace all those that were damaged in the pursuit of cooking memberships and scarves.
Collingwood
If…
Moore is less…
Then…
When the going gets tough, the tough gets De Goey’ing.
Essendon
If…
Essendon owes thanks to anybody this week…
Then…
They ought to send a slab to both the Bulldogs and the goal umpire in the Adelaide/Sydney game – because that demoralising and embarrassing loss to the Giants was wallpapered over more than a Punt Road heritage apartment wall, thanks to the controversial results of other games.
Fremantle
If…
A team had a more uneventful season masked by North Melbourne and West Coast’s historically poor faring..
Then…
It’s Fremantle.
Geelong
If…
They wanted to send Isaac Smith out in style
Then…
Maybe leaving half the side out isn’t the best idea
Gold Coast
If…
Suns fans haven’t read any of the Richmond segments of my articles before…
Then…
As his newest custodians, you had better prepare yourself for an abundance of Damien Hardwick content. Dimma has become my one-wood in these articles, since he basically writes his own gafs for me.
GWS
If…
Expanding the club’s budget on stress balls is the cost of potential finals contention…
Then…
Expect every club to be loading up on sensory toys next season.
Hawthorn
If…
You asked me to play word association with Damo, and choose a word that rhymes with ‘banking’…
Then…
‘Tanking’ would probably come after it’s W counterpart.
Melbourne
If…
You like my penchant for terrible rhymes .
Then…
You’ll love my theory of Goody taking Melbourne from rags, to flags, to fretting over Hawthorn tags.
North Melbourne
If…
There was a club that caused my pens to run out of ink this year from hitting down gafs, jokes, quips and throwaways…
Then…
North Melbourne would be atop that ladder – a somewhat unknown territory for this club.
Port Adelaide
If…
Kane Cornes is helping to pick the All Australian team of midfielders this season…
Then…
You can almost bet with surety that neither Tex Walker nor Tim Taranto will make the final side. Something tells me that both Daicos brothers won’t make the same team either, otherwise they would become only the second set of brothers to make the AA side – after a certain pair of South Australians.
Richmond
If…
There was one emotional retirement that jerked the years last week…
Then…
It was that of Rampage’s inaugural AFLX championship captain, Jack Riewoldt.
St Kilda
If…
Anyone has gone quieter than Curtis Stone in those ‘feed your family for under $10’ ads in this current economic climate…
Then…
It’s those who said St Kilda wouldn’t make finals.
Sydney
If…
Any team always seems to be on the right end of last minute shenanigans to win a game of footy…
Then…
It’s the damn Swans.
West Coast
If…
You need further proof that the mainstream media is cooked…
Then…
Look no further than Simmo getting whacked for not trying his hardest to win a game against Essendon, then mere weeks later getting whacked again for trying too hard to beat North Melbourne.
Western Bulldogs
If…
If you ask me which celebrity the Bulldogs took inspiration from on the weekend…
Then….
It would be Amber Heard – because they both absolutely shit the bed.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
You had invested in putting microchips in the Sherrins years ago when the idea was first floated and trialled…
Then…
You likely would have avoided many, many heartaches from touched balls, hitting the post and score reviews.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
