The recent history of the Carlton Football Club does not read like a fairy tale…
… unless you are partial to The Grimm Brothers’ versions of said stories.
No, it is a story of non-success on a grand scale, as the club battles for relevance amid its longest-ever premiership drought. During the last 19 years, the Blues have made finals just four times, for a grand total of four wins. As an comparison, their home ground has changed names four times in that span of years, from Optus Oval, to MC Labour Park, to Visy Park, and now to Ikon Stadium for the last eight or so years.
Yes, success has been fleeting for the Blues, if you can call winning four finals in 19 years “success”, but with a fantastic array of top end talent, a good group of young players, and assurances by all that the middle-of-the-road players are showing great signs, I am sure that we’ll see… ahh, who am I kidding? We’ve been hearing the same old story for almost 20 years – to trot out the same old rhetoric would show as much imagination as Hollywood over the past however many years.
On that nice segue, this article started as a career comparison with the mighty midget, Tom Cruise, but upon viewing his filmography from 2006-present, it quickly became apparent that Cruise has been vastly more successful than the Blues. Unlike Carlton, Cruise has been able to draw on his past success to carry him through lean times, despite couch-jumping, and “put your manners back in” moments during interviews here and there.
Cruise has registered quality movies such as Edge of Tomorrow, Tropic Thunder and Valkyrie amongst his 2006-present catalogue, and he has thrown in some Ethan Hunt efforts along the way with four more Mission Impossible movies. Just what the world needed, right?
And so, given Cruise’s success, parallels with the Carlton Football Club seemed less feasible. I had to look a little deeper, but as it always seems to do, Hollywood came through for me. Yes, like most of you, I sure can’t get enough of movie stars telling me how I should live my life and what my choices should be pertaining to the environment, politics and world affairs – these people are the elite for a reason, you know? A few years in acting school gives you knowledge that people like you and I just don’t possess.
In looking at movies from each year, I found a theme that allowed me to match up each individual Carlton season with a movie from the corresponding year. I may have taken a little creative licence to get over the line, and I am sure my synopses do match those you’ll find on wikipedia, but what’s an article like this without several lashings of embellishment? Mmmmm, embellishment.
So, here we go – a year-by-year history of the 2006-2024 Carlton Football Club as told by the movies. Don’t take it too seriously, Blues fans… just a bit of fun.
2006 – LADDER POSITION 16TH (LAST)
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
Denis Pagan sits down members of the playing list to watch video tape of Carlton’s premiership win. He tells them to watch the way the Blues played the game – confidence, arrogance… the Carlton way.
A wide-eyed young man with 21 games to his name, Kade Simpson watches in awe at the feats of those who lay the groundwork at this club. He makes a bold declaration that before his time is up at the club, he will emulate the feats of those who came before. All cheer in response to his youthful enthusiasm.
Except Lance Whitnall… who has his hand stuck in a vending machine in the corridor outside.
2007 – LADDER POSITION 15TH (SECOND LAST)
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The once Mighty Blues are in disarray. The finger of blame is directed at the chest of one man.
After years of success at every level – Under 19s, Reserves, and Senior Football, the once unassailable Denis Pagan is finding that life at Princes Park is not all he thought it would be. The dual premiership coach awaits word from the Carlton Board as he waits in his office.
Pagan reminisces on the household names that have blossomed under his guidance – Carey, Archer, Longmire… Ryan Houlihan. Where did it all go wrong? Years away from becoming a real estate agent and a successful horse trainer, this is the last hurrah for Pagan, his paddock, and his coaching career.
Carlton will do that to you.
There is a knock at the door. The news is in. There is blood on the floor. The reign of Denis Pagan at Carlton is over.
2008 – LADDER POSITION 11TH
SEMI-PRO
Chris Judd is on the scene, and it’s only cost the Blues that Josh Kennedy kid! What a bargain – he was going nowhere, anyway. Upon arriving on the scene, Judd sees a club with standards so low it makes Joe Ganino’s late night picks ups look like supermodels. He immediately sets a new standard on the training track, compelling his teammates to elevate their game. Can he lead the Blues out of the bottom four and back to relevance?
The players believe. The administration kind of believes. The supporters… they’re hurting, but the magic Carlton’s version of Jackie Moon, and the new vision of Brett Ratten, have the players all onboard by season’s end as they attempt to finish in 11th place and secure the highly sought-after… MEGABOWL!!!!
2009 – LADDER POSITION 7TH
INGLORIOUS BASTERDS
After years in the football wilderness, the persecuted Carlton Football Club is now on the hunt. Those who wronged them, those who mocked them, and those who refused to believe their improvement could happen now find themselves in the sights of these inglorious basterds as they turn the tables and go from prey to predator.
Chris Judd leads this team of recycled mercenaries as they go about re-establishing themselves as a force in the league.
2010 – LADDER POSITION – 8TH
TRUE GRIT
A winning season is one thing – even St Kilda can put together 12 months of good football. The real challenge comes with sustaining that effort.
John Wayne… Kurt Russell… Brett Ratten? The grizzled Blues coach digs in as the man hired to protect the Blues as they go for back-to-back finals for the first time in… well, a pretty long time.
Rooster Ratten is quick on the draw and his club plays the role of a 14-year-old girl in need of protection without too much of a stretch.
2011 – LADDER POSITION – 5TH
LIMITLESS
There is something happening at Essendon, and Ratten sends a few spies to identify what is going on.
There is a new supplement they’re using that gives them clarity and the ability to unlock more of their brain usage than they ever have before… which isn’t really difficult for some as they could have sold them as unused organs at that stage.
Ratten’s spies procure the supplements and distribute to his charges and they manage to unlock the Blues’ potential. Players want an increasing dose. But what are the side effects? Have the medicos at whatever Princes Park is called at this stage done their homework? Could there be a downside to this new drug called winning???
Maybe in the next 12 months?
2012 – LADDER POSITION – 10TH
THE HOBBIT – AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY
In a hole in the ground, there lives a Hobbit…
Halfling-like Brett Ratten was all ready to settle into a long tenure with the club he played for when a strange thing happened, and both he and the club were taken on an unexpected adventure. They encountered loss, tragedy and joy along the way, but it was not enough to appease their board, who opted to sack Ratten.
In his place came a dragon, ready to breathe fire into a team that he thought required it.
And a fire was lit that would gut the place, again.
2013 – LADDER POSITION – 8TH
DESPICABLE ME 2
The iron will of Mick Malthouse amongst the charges he may or may not have viewed as minions, was not well received. Though his history spoke of a man who knew how to build successful teams, the environment at Carlton, and the mindset of Malthouse resembled that of a man hell-bent on revenge, not on sustained success.
Still, he was viewed as an evil genius by some.
Though the results of 2013 would see the Blues scrape back into the eight, the mood at Princes Park was far removed from that of a successful team.
2014 – LADDER POSITION 13TH
EDGE OF TOMORROW
Standing at the precipice of a sheer fall, a leap of faith was required.
The grey-haired and mustachioed man looks to the future out across the vast chasm before him. Is it hope or impending doom he eyes in the distance?
It is the story of a man standing at a fork in his own road. This can go one of two ways. Usually, that is the case. In regard to Carlton, it is only ever going to end one way.
His eyes narrow. His focus intensifies. He sees the destination, and it is not a place he wishes to be. With a look down, he contemplates stepping from the cliff face and allowing someone else to take the reins. He ponders jumping before he is pushed. Yet he still feels the hands in his back…
2015 – LADDER POSITION 18TH
MINIONS
A team without a leader, the minions at Carlton wallow in their own muck.
Malthouse is gone as quickly as he came (like most blokes…) and those who needed a leader wander aimlessly around the football field, wondering exactly what they’re supposed to be doing and how they should be going about.
John Barker is interim coach, but he couldn’t lead a French soldier to a brothel. He is a glorified minion as well.
2016 – LADDER POSITION 14TH
SUICIDE SQUAD
A team with nothing to lose is a team to fear!
It sounds good, right? However, in reality a team with nothing to lose is usually a team with very little to gain, throwing caution to the wind as they attempt to manufacture something that vaguely resembles a purpose.
Carlton are the Suicide Squad. Brought together from many walks of life, they are a collection of potentially damaging individuals. But are they truly a team, and can they work together?
Featuring Levi Casboult at Deadshot (haha), Andrew Walker as Captain Boomerang, Marc Murphy as El Diablo (as, if he was my captain, I’d burn the place to the ground), and Blaine Boekhurst as an extra that no one notices, can these exceptional individuals team to make something special happen?
The answer is simple.
No. They cannot.
2017 – LADDER POSITION 16TH
THE DISASTER ARTIST
Looking like the naughty boy who ate all the cookies, Brendon Bolton emerges as the new coach of the Blues. He is a cheeky little man, cutting his teeth under Alastair Clarkson at Hawthorn, and now, he is ready to branch out with a team of his very own. He’s like a little boy with a new toy!
But did he really expect this?
In an exciting romp, filled with twists, turns and green shoots for everyone, Bolton bumbles from one horrid press conference to the next, fluffing lines, misreading his own notes and misrepresenting himself as an AFL coach.
Hilarity ensues… for 17 other teams.
2018 – LADDER POSITION 18TH
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
Told in a retrospective letter to fans, Brendon Bolton plays a damaged soul, crushed under the burden of an insurmountable weight… yes, Mark LoGiudice accidentally sat on him just before he started writing, crushing his body alongside his already crushed spirit.
Bolton laments the decisions he made, didn’t make, and didn’t even think of, as he recalls the backwards steps the team took under him, again finishing bottom of the ladder en route to leaving Bolton with the lowest win percentage of any Carlton coach in their history outside Serge Silvagni (three games) and Paddy O’Brien (two games).
The green shoots have turned brown. The roots run too deep to cut back and start again. This is Carlton, and it is not pretty.
2019 – LADDER POSITION 16TH
PARASITE
The tale of how the Carlton membership department continue to extract money from those who pay the club every year, leeching money from their loyal supporters without even a glimmer of hope of ending their premiership drought.
Our story follows a young man, desperate to continue supporting the team despite financial hardship, and a liberal dose of common sense that tells him he is simply pissing his money up against the wall.
2020 LADDER POSITION 11TH
I’M THINKING OF ENDING THINGS
Signs of life come in the form of a renewed team performance. In a season like no other, the Blues and their new-ish coach, David Teague, attempt to renew the faith in their despairing supporter base, but after moments that teased and tantalised, another finals series went begging.
With the talent now at their disposal, the frustration of members has them rewatching the 2019 movie and wondering what compelled them to go around again.
2021 LADDER POSITION 13TH
NO TIME TO DIE
David Teague has left active service as a coach. Unfortunately, he is still in the position of coach of the Carlton Football Club and is required to perform his duties.
He does so… poorly, and is sacked by the club at the conclusion of the season. He has eight wins, narrowly missing a good joke by registering 007 wins.
2022 LADDER POSITION 9TH
TOP GUN: MAVERICK
Former high-flying AFL footballer and Brisbane Lions captain, Michael ‘Maverick’ Voss takes on the role of mentoring a group of young players, as they strive to become the next generation of greats at the Carlton Football Club.
And he looks like he is going to do it!
What starts as a tale of inspiration and hope, suddenly tkes a sharp turn into slapstick comedy, as the Blues manage to snatch another painful season from the jaws of relative success. Voss manages to he steer the plane into the side of Mount Collingwood in the final round, and the Blues fall out of the top eight for the first time all season.
2023 LADDER POSITION 5TH
TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE BEASTS
If 2022 was a year of “almost”, then 2023 is the year the Carlton machine actually started humming again.
In his second year in the role, Michael Voss and his team click, as he takes his Blues all the way to the Preliminary Final, eventually succumbing to his former team, the Decepticons.
Or the Lions.
One of those two – it’s all a blur, as the Blues are now back in the premiership frame and their fans are euphoric! Things have changed, and there’ll be no more poor seasons. right?
Right?!?!
2024 LADDER POSITION 8TH
BACK TO BLACK
After a period of light in 2023, things once again turn dark for the Navy Blues in the 2024 season. Touted as the next big things, and genuine premiership threats over the first two thirds of the season, the Blues limped into the finals and were humiliated in the first half of the Elimination Final against… guess who?
Those pesky Lions.
Like so many before him, moderate success is not looked upon favourably for Michael Voss, and although he has made finals in the past two seasons, there is a feeling that without a hit in 2025, it might be his last performance at Ikon Park.
The result of the 2025 season is far from set in stone, but the Blues have continued being unable to produce the results despite a team that promises so much.
Things may change, and I am sure Carlton fans hope they do, but as it stands, another unsuccessful season could well see another coaching change, and a rinse-repeat season for the Blues, as they put their team, their coach, and their supporters through the ringer. Yes, I am taking the piss out of them in this article. Yes, it is written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, but there are no excuses in 2025 for the Carlton Football Club. They have a list with top-end talent to rival any in the competition, and they need to capitalise on it before the quality of that list falls away
What movie will represent their 2025 campaign, tentatively titled: Mission Impossible 7 – The Search For Success?
As always, massive thanks to those who support this work. It is a labour of love for me, and having you guys as members of the site basically keeps me going. So sincerely… thank you – HB
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