Here, at The Mongrel Punt, we know you like the hard-hitting, investigative journalism that others lack. We know you look to us to provide something vastly different to all other footy websites.
And whilst this may not match the first description, it sure as hell matches the second. Where else will you find your team compared to a Pokémon?
That’s right… nowhere!
Plus, we sometimes like to have a bit of fun
Which Pokemon is your club?
Because absolutely no one asked me to, I’ve taken up the responsibility to find the Pokémon that best matches each AFL team. Because while it’s fun to analyse each team and write about their strengths, weaknesses and whatnot, everything is more fun with dragons. So here goes:
Adelaide – Fearow
The Adelaide Fearows. The Fearow is a fierce, fighting bird type Pokémon that somehow kind of suits a crow. Like the Fearow, the Crows rely on pace and agility and think they’re a lot more intimidating than they actually are.
Brisbane – Arcanine
Brisbane Arcanine. You can’t be the lions and live in the heat of Brisbane without being compared to hybrid Lion/Tiger fire type Pokémon. The Arcanine is strong and powerful, very loyal, and canonically are connected to long-forgotten ancient heroes, which makes a nice link to FItzory.
Carlton – Ditto
The Carlton Dittos. Ditto is a Pokemon that takes on the appearance of other Pokémon, in the same way that Carlton sometimes pretends to be an actual football team. Sure, a Ditto has its uses (so maybe it’s not the most apt comparison), but it has no identity and crumbles under the slightest physical pressure and leaves the fans saying “here we go again.”
Collingwood – Meowth
Collingwood Meowth. Like Meowth they talk way too much without ever saying anything particularly useful. They’re famously associated with the villains, Team Rocket, only have two teeth, and they have a rather effective move called “pay day.” Yet, as much as we like to hate Meowth, its love for shiny things has kept the trophy cabinet growing, and its sharp claws make it particularly dangerous.
Essendon – Psyduck
The Essendon Psycducks are a constant headache. Psyduck has no idea where it is, what it’s doing, or how it got there. Even though he mostly appears for comic relief, everyone is frustrated by Psyduck and its fans are surely in a constant state of confusion. Hey Psyduck – you’re supposed to use your attack on enemies, not your trainer.
Fremantle – Magikarp
The Fremantle Magikarp. Like the Magikarp, Freo live near the water and are pretty much useless. They come out every now and again and just flop around, not doing anything at all. But, there’s always this sense they’re close to evolving into the mighty Gyrados water dragon. As they flap and flop around with utter uselessness, we think, “they’re close. Surely next time they’ll evolve.”
But then they faint.
Geelong Cats – Alazakam
The Geelong Alakazam. Alakazam is an ancient, mystical Pokémon with an impressive moustache and not one but 2 silver spoons to eat off. An incredibly intelligent Pokémon, it plays the long game well, always planning ahead and mystifying the opposition with tricks and tactics. They possibly has the AFL head honchos in some kind of trance, as they seemingly do things no other team can do. But it’s not just intelligent and people tend to underestimate Alakazam’s strength and agility, often to their own peril.
Gold Coast – Magby
The Gold Coast Magby. A weird, duck-looking type Pokémon that lives in a volcano. Why would you want to live in a pit of lava where nothing thrives? Well, the same thing has been said of the Gold Coast many times. Yet, they’ve found a way to not only survive, but they’re starting to flourish.
Magby hates travelling anywhere cold, and certainly keep it away from water. Magby lets everyone know what mood it’s in. so watch for strange colour changes. Also, they look a little dopey.
GWS – Charmeleon
The Greater Western Charmeleon. It’s Red, it’s Angry. It’s an Angsty teenager who was just told that they “look cute.” They’ll get really fired up, charge in head (or sometimes studs) first. It likes to think it’s a league powerhouse and battle it out with the big guys, but he’s just a drama queen with claws.
Hawthorn – Machamp
The Hawthorn Machamps bring that 2000s gym bro vibe who used to win everything, and still flexes even when he drops the weights. With four arms, Machamp was an unstoppable unit in its prime — strong, ruthless, no-nonsense. Even now, they’ve strutted into this season like they’re still bench-pressing premierships.
Melbourne – Haunter
The Melbourne Haunters. They’re spooky, they’re gassy, they’re very prone to popping up randomly, annoying everyone and then disappearing again.
Also, famously dead.
The Haunter likes to pull funny faces and joke around while everyone near them is crying in horror and confusion at what they’re witnessing. Get it together, Haunter.
North Melbourne – Diglett
The North Melbourne Digletts are small and mostly useless but are trying their best to evolve. They’re just not very good at it. They’re definitely not a feared Pokémon, but they’ll pop up unexpectedly and can cause some serious damage when they do. They’re small, they’re scrappy, they don’t really know what they’re doing, but everyone’s secretly cheering for them.
Port Adelaide Power – Pikachu
The Port Adelaide Pikachu is fast, aggressive, and a little unstable. Pikachu doesn’t wait for a signal – it is the signal. Port is pure energy: dynamic, chaotic, always ready to zap the competition, until it short-circuits mid-battle. But when they’re on? Electrifying. Just don’t touch the coach – the Pikachu is weirdly loyal to its mostly incompetent trainer and will get very angry if provoked.
Richmond – Ninetails
I got stuck on Richmond for about four days. Could I find a Pokémon that’s mostly just average, was good for a bit, and then became terrible? I mean sure, some can mega-evolve, but they still have to be fantastic before they can do that.
So I’ve resorted to the old cliché of Richmond loving to finish 9th – let’s go with the Richmond Ninetails.
Or maybe Ninth-Tails?
Ninetails is actually a pretty awesome Pokémon: It’s a firebreathing fox thing with nine tails. That’s pretty awesome. They also canonically have this ability to curse anyone who wakes them up – so I’m going to assume North did at some stage around 2017. But it seems like the Ninetails has gone back to sleep again. Rarely found, but ferocious on the odd occasion when you come across them, I reckon they’re a pretty decent comparison to a side that has shown some ferocity then disappeared again.
St Kilda – Snorlax
The great St Kilda Snorlax. Every now and then, you’re wandering along and this great, lazy sleeping monster pops up like some kind of oversized librarian and blocks your road. Snorlax, is a Pokémon that is very similar. You’ll be wandering along and then suddenly this Snorlax blocks your path and you need to find this weird magical flute to wake it up. It doesn’t do anything, and logically you should be able to just ignore it, but the game doesn’t let you. You must go on this annoying side quest to find this damn flute.
So they’re like St. Kilda who also just kind of exist, sleeping, occasionally being annoying but mostly not part of the game. They’re in the way, they’re kinda pointless, and for some reason, a few people seem to like them. But for the rest of us? We’d prefer doing the annoying side quests if it meant not having to watch them play.
Sydney – Krabby
The Sydney Krabby. Why? It lives near the beach, it pretends it’s bigger than it actually is, it has giant red pincers, it’s very defensive of its home, and I’m really krabby about the fact they decided to find form against my Magikarp.
But really, Krabby is a pretty cool Pokémon. He’s vicious, he bites, and if you cut off a pincer, it’ll rejuvenate quickly, thanks to its special pincer academy program or cost of pincer allowances that other Pokémon don’t have access to. I’m still talking about Pokémon, right?
West Coast – Exeggutor
Yeah, you thought I was going to come up with some bird pun, or go with Muk because they’re, well, pretty gross at the moment. But nah, in my overly (seriously over the top) level of research I put into this, I came across a Pokémon that shares the same hairstyle as Nic Naitanui. Not only that, but it’s technically a good Pokémon, it’s just weird.
Exegggutor is a giant, walking palm tree that’s got three heads. The three heads get along, but don’t necessarily want the same thing; if they don’t agree, the Exeggutor won’t move. And I reckon that sums up the Eagles right now – They have multiple captains, none of which are particularly captain material, they have some capability but nothing particularly amazing, and they don’t seem to be going anywhere in a hurry. But it is technically a dragon, and a proud one at that – so don’t take them lightly.
Western Bulldogs – Eevie
Ah, the Western Bulldogs Eevie. Or the Western Eevie? The Bulldogs Evie? Get a location, Footscray. You’re making this hard.
Anyway, They’re Eevie because like that cute Pokemon, they’re good fun, they’ve got some exciting moves, but really you never know what you’re going to get with them. That’s the thing about Eevie. They can turn into eight different types of Pokemon, depending on whatever magical stone you throw at them. And if I know Bulldogs fans, they’d agree they’re one of the most inconsistent teams going around, and the thought of throwing a stone at them is never far from their mind.
Finally – AFL house: Abra
Because, like Abra, the AFL likes to pop up out of nowhere, cause confusion, and then immediately teleport away before anyone can challenge them. Perfection.
So how did I go? Leave a comment with your comparisons or suggestions, and If you thought reading this was entertaining enough to shout me a coffee, you can:
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