For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and aligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: During the trade period he was Isaac Cumming, to the Sydney media he was Isaac Going, to the Adelaide Crows he’s Isaac Here and to GWS he’s Isaac Gone.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Jason Akermanis’ bid to have his Crypto Currency (Zucoin) sponsor the Brisbane Lions will be rejected – again.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: The Western Bulldogs will launch action against Carlton for their fan’s continued usage of the barking “Woof” as Adam Saad kicks the ball. A recommendation for the Carlton faithful to mimic the sound of their own mascot – a Blue – has been rejected by the fans.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Scott Pendlebury will be forced to update his phone later this month. The Collingwood superstar is distraught at the risk of losing his current NBA screensaver – as what could we possibly discuss if Pendlebury didn’t have a basketball background?
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: A potential mascot change from a Bomber Plane to a Coffin Lowering Device will be proposed, as the livery of an apparatus whose sole function is to continually let people down under sad circumstances, is much, much more fitting.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: The Dockers will try and one-up Gold Coast’s new pink and black “Stealth” Guernsey, by wearing fishnet vests as a throwback to the fisherman working the docks.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Patrick Dangerfield’s suggestion of changing the shape of the Sherrin from a traditional oval to a dodecahedron-shaped ball will be as well received as the rest of his revolutionary ideas to improve the game.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: In the wake of their latest logo update, the Suns are set to welcome Epoch Systems as their latest major sponsor.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: The HR department has already commenced work on a detailed list of suitable Halloween costumes for this year’s festivities. So far, the only fully approved costume to be rubber stamped as not possibly offensive is “Organic Pumpkin Spice Jack-o’-lantern”
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett l-Komplexium
Reading: Nick Watson and Jack Ginnivan will both miss the club’s Opening Round clash against Sydney as the young duo opt to run a children’s football clinic – and actually attend.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: In the wake of a tumultuous period where the Club’s culture is constantly dragged into question, the Demons’ announcement of a new commercial partnership with squeaky clean burger franchise; Grilld, is yet another cultural masterstroke.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinsium
Reading: Under Compulsory Acquisition laws, Arden Street’s facilities will see Pagan’s Paddock subdivided and sold off as Clarko’s Crown Land.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium-Tarpaulin
Reading: In a bid to join global efforts in promoting renewable energy, Power’s logo will this year be updated from a grey lightning bolt on teal to a much greener wind turbine and solar panel.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Increasing storage costs have forced Richmond to sell off portions of their acquired assets – the infamous Bandwagon will be the first item on the auction block at Mecum Auctions.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Opposition clubs will shift an intense focus to St Kilda’s frugal efforts in saving money. The Saints’ drastic savings on insurance costs for high-end assets won’t appeal to every club, though – insurance coverage for one singular silver cup is a far lesser outlay than that of most other clubs; with a bevy of treasures raising their premiums.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: OwenFore
Reading: The Horse-Cox coaching handover will hopefully develop into the textbook example used in media circles when referencing AFL coaching succession plans.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: The Western Australian will praise West Coast youngster Harley Reid for his ability to follow advice written for him on a slender piece of grass. The headline will boast:
Reid reads reed rede.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: Said Nay2theScray
Reading: Damien Barrett will be invited to a closed-door training session as a sign of good faith between the veteran media personality and affable coach, Luke Beveridge.
