Geez, it’s been a tough couple of days to be a footy fan, hasn’t it?
Apart from the standard flow of injury news coming through from clubs, we have also been hit with a series of tragic events that have seen former players pass away. Thoughts are with the Selwood and Hunter families at this time.
To steer clear of more bad news, I thought I’d try to do something a little left field to lighten the mood, and settled on this concept.
The AFL have long had their stars of the game – superstars in some cases. But they have never had true superheroes. Some have done things close to superhuman, but we’ve never actually seen someone snap their fingers and eliminate half the other team, have we?
And so, with that in mind, I decided to switch things up.
A few years ago… maybe like six or seven, someone made a mock draft where the teams only drafted superheroes or supervillains, dependent on their need. I kind of liked it, and I went searching for it. Turns out the site that hosted it died, and it is now lost. Not even the internet archive saved it.
I was a little disappointed in that, and then I had the thought that I could do my own.
And with that… here we are at the first Mongrel Punt (and second ever) Superheroes/Supervillians draft.
I’m just going reverse ladder position in terms of order, as of the end of the home and away season last year. Takes all the trades, etc… out of it.
PICK ONE – RICHMOND
Team Needs – Another messiah to carry them
Superman – There is no one other than Superman that can go number one. You take a risk on someone else, and then this guy comes out, destroys your entire team, kicks 35 goals and leaves a trail of broken bodies… and you’d look pretty bloody stupid.
Richmond needs someone who can literally carry the team. The good news is he is the most powerful man in the universe and could, if pressed, physically carry all players on the field. The bad news is, even he might struggle to lift this list.
PICK TWO – NORTH MELBOURNE
Team Needs – Someone who can list this team into a successful era
Iron Man – Flashy, overconfident, and a little bit broken. Just like North’s finals hopes over the past six years. But North need a focal point and some nice coin to go with it, and the man from Stark Enterprises provides both.
PICK THREE – WEST COAST
Team Needs – Someone to play alongside their other superhero, Harley Reid
The Flash – The ultimate outside runner to tear up the wing. Careful that he doesn’t accidentally overshoot and end up playing for Fremantle. Or maybe they trade him to Carlton for the equivalent of a couple of the teen titans.
PICK FOUR – ADELAIDE
Team Needs – A player to make the Adelaide supporters believe again.
Loki – A master of deception, which is handy for convincing Crows fans that “this is our year.”
Also handy for spinning the losses into “learning experiences”. Quite a few coaches, it seems, have already gone to the Loki School of BS.
PICK FIVE – MELBOURNE
Team-Needs – The missing piece to avoid another choke.
Scarlet Witch – Can manipulate reality, meaning she might finally give Melbourne a forward line that functions. She could also convince the playing group that the club is the type of environment where players genuinely want to stay.
PICK SIX – GOLD COAST
Team Needs – A player who can lift this mob into the finals
Electro – Finally, a bit of spark for a club with the energy of a 4.30 PM staff meeting on a Thursday. The Suns could literally exclaim they possess the most electrifying man in the AFL, and if anyone disputes it, Electro can fry them.
PICK SEVEN – ST KILDA
Team Needs – Some actual success.
Rogue – Absorbs skills from others… just like St Kilda should be doing with premiership-winning teams they face just about every week.
The plus here, is that she can also absorb the memories of others, so she could possibly convince the Saints they’ve won more than one flag.
PICK EIGHT – ESSENDON
Team Needs – A time machine, or at least a September win.
Doctor Strange – Dial it back to a simpler time, Doc. Back to a time when the Bombers knew how to win a final, and knew how to build a successful club.
PICK NINE – FREMANTLE
Team Needs – Someone to capitalise on this talented young team
Professor X – If Justin Longmuir can’t do it, throw the Professor in the coaches’ box and watch him go to work. This team is primed for success in the next couple of years – maybe the best chance they’ve had to form a premiership team (yep, even better than 2013).
If JL fails, a more cerebral coach is required.
PICK TEN – COLLINGWOOD
Team Needs – A shape-shifting weapon to maintain their team.
Mystique – Constantly shapeshifting, whether it’s playing ugly, going “top-up mode,” or just adapting to whatever footy throws at them, the Pies have been able to adapt and now look to emulate Geelong’s run of success.
And they started that by winning a flag and then falling out of the top eight. Going brilliantly…
PICK 11 – CARLTON
Team Needs – A way to stop fans from having mid-season meltdowns.
Captain Carlton – He’s back! Used to be a club mascot, so they’re committed to him, but if he was smart, he’d demand a trade immediately. Captain Carlton brings… not much, but far out, you guys invented him – live with it!
PICK 12 – HAWTHORN
Team Needs – A big, mature body to take the heat and keep the Hawks in games
Bane – Dominates the contest, but ultimately lets Batman (Port Adelaide, in this case) win. Twice in the AFL season, and once in AFLW. Come on, Bane… lift your game.
PICK 13 – WESTERN BULLDOGS
Team Needs – A consistent backup ruck to relieve the pressure on Tim English
Beast – A strong, intelligent big man… meaning he’s automatically better than every Bulldogs ruck since Luke Darcy. Actually, Darcy can be a bit of a dud – he might be the best since Gary Dempsey!
PICK 14 – BRISBANE
Team Needs – A clutch performer to replace the departed Joe Daniher in the forward line
Hawkeye – Deadly accurate, which would help the often wayward Lions in front of goal. The downside is that… he’s a pretty shit character.
PICK 15 – GWS
Team Needs – With Toby Greene and Jake Stringer on board, they need one more villain to truly embrace the hate.
Darkseid – The ultimate destroyer… but given where he will be playing, l somehow feel he’ll remain ignored by the media.
PICK 16 – GEELONG
Team Needs – Someone to safeguard the secrets of team longevity in the AFL
Ra’s al Ghul – Immortal. A bit like Joel Selwood or Gaz. Fits at this club.
PICK 17 – PORT ADELAIDE
Team Needs – Someone who actually wins in big finals.
Batman – Couldn’t save his parents, but might now be good enough to save the neck of Uncle Ken with an inspired run through September.
PICK 18 – SYDNEY
Team Needs – Someone to stand up when it counts
Thor – You saw how he turned the tide in Infinity War. That’s what the Swans need in Grand Finals. Watch out for trade requests to the Dogs, though. Rumour has it they’re circling him, and he has been seen at their games.
And there we go. I am sure someone with a greater knowledge of superheroes and villains will tell me I’ve made mistakes and I should have done things differently.
Go for it, you damn nerds…
And also, if the bloke who originally wrote the Superhero Draft all those years ago happens to read this, I’d love to have a read of what you put together back then. It kind of always stuck with me, so I reckon it must have been good quality.
As always, massive thanks to those who support this work. You can see the amount of care that goes into it. I love footy, I love writing about it, and I hope you enjoy reading it. Without you, this whole thing falls over. Sincerely… thank you – HB
Like this content? You could buy me a coffee – I do like coffee, but there is no guarantee I won’t use it to buy a doughnut… I like them more. And I am not brought to you by Sportsbet or Ladbrokes… or Bet365, or any of them.
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