The Off-Season Brownlow has a proud history here, at The Mongrel Punt.
That history is so proud and prestigious that, twice in the last five years, I have completely forgotten to award it, and really, we were heading that way again this season.
However, a late flurry of contenders has burst forth, making this one of the tightest races for the ignominious award in its brief and not-very-illustrious history.
Before I continue, I want to pay my respects to Off-Season Brownlow winners, past, present, and emerging.
2020 saw Charlie Curnow claim the inaugural award, after re-injuring his troublesome knee playing basketball.
Not satisfied with hurting himself that way, Charlie then further complicated things by “slipping on tiles” at a relative’s house that same off-season, and causing more damage.
The dog then ate his homework!
Congrats, Charlie.
2021 saw big Eddie McGuire capture the award, after he opened his address to the media with “This is a proud day for the Collingwood Football Club.”
Yes, indeed, it was. And it was a proud day when Ed was awarded the Off-Season Brownlow, too
In 2022, I either just plain forgot to write this article, or somehow combined it with 2023, and this time, it was Wayne Carey, who accidentally dropped some of his anti-inflammatories on a casino table in Perth on the way to winning.
The Perth casino immediately gravitated to the worst case scenario and refused to take The King at his word. Such poor form by them, doubting the word of football royalty.
And last season… ummm, I forgot again.
But let’s not live in the past, Marge.
Here are this year’s nominees
TOBY GREENE
As a club captain attending a private party, you could forgive Toby Greene for thinking he was relatively safe in this instance.
Nup, he’s Toby Greene.
The GWS end of season party had a dress-up theme, which went wrong on several fronts.
A mimicked sexual assault on a blow up doll, and players dressed as the World Trade Centre towers (the latter, I don’t see anything wrong with, by the way), saw a staff member at the venue not all that appreciative of what was happening, and they blew the whistle.
Initially fined 20 grand (!!!) for not doing something about the skits and costumes that were deemed offensive, it was eventually lowered to five grand out-of-pocket expenses for the GWS captain, as there is no way the AFL will permit Toby Greene to avoid a fine under any circumstance, even if he is just sitting in the vicinity.
Toby Greene – “But, I believe there are many unsolved crimes in New York.”
AFL – “You don’t know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Greeney boy?”
NOAH BALTA
Well, Noah has already been suspended by Richmond for the first four games of the 2025 season for his part in an altercation around New Year’s Eve, that saw the other party involved head off to hospital.
The case against Noah is scheduled to be heard later this month at some backwater court, but the Tigers aren’t waiting for the verdict. Instead, they have taken it upon themselves to dole out their own form of justice, and suspend Balta.
He must be rapt with the way the club backed him on this.
LUKE SAYERS’ HACKER
The AFL and Carlton are investigating this testical…. errr, I mean “testy” situation – hopefully not using the same investigators that seemingly took half a decade to work their way through racism claims at Hawthorn and came up with bucket loads of nothing.
The alleged “dick pic” tagged an executive of the Blues’ corporate sponsors, BUPA.
Sounds like a real Bupa to me.
We’ve probably now heard the last of this, right? The hacker is far too devious and elusive to ever be caught.
Let’s all move on.
LIAM RYAN
Eagles supporters have asked the team to show some real fight this season, and Liam has taken it a little too literally, throwing hands following a recent music festival.
Reports that one of the bands refusing to play their old stuff enraged Ryan to the point he could no longer control himself are unconfirmed, however, if that was the case, his anger is completely justified.
The old stuff is always better. Much like Liam’s form.
REUBEN GINBEY
Look, we’ve all taken a piss in public.
We just all haven’t been caught.
What I particularly liked about Ginbey’s arrest came when he refused to give his name and “refused to comply” with police.
Here’s a re-enactment from someone who was nowhere near the scene, and doesn’t really know what happened.
“Reuben… if that is your name, put it away.”
“No!”
“I repeat, please tuck the appendage back into your trousers.”
“Never!”
West Coast players and music festivals, huh?
AND THE WINNER IS…
… THE HACKER THAT TOOK OVER LUKE SAYERS’ TWITTER ACCOUNT
This guy is a genius.
Seriously, how he was able to get in, tag a female executive at the club’s sponsor, get a photo of a shaft and balls, and send it off, publicly, and then completely disappear without a trace?
We’re evidently dealing with a criminal mastermind of the highest order. I’m afraid to not give him the award, lest he take a picture of my genitals and post it to one of our non-existent sponsors.
PS – If you’d like to sponsor us… I’d let him.
As always, massive thanks to those who support this work. You can see the amount of care that goes into it. I love footy, I love writing about it, and I hope you enjoy reading it. Without you, this whole thing falls over. Sincerely… thank you – HB
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