Mrs Mongrel’s 2024 Grand Final Review
Every year is a big year, but this year I have been like a phoenix, burning out in a violent flash of fire and then hatching out of a sturdy and sooty egg. I’m entering summer with my get stuffed shoes on and a cowboy hat. Because, this is the year I have discovered some new marvellous things. In order:
Cowboy hats. Have you ever had a man wear a cowboy hat and tip it and say “ma’am”? I mean, really HB, you’re already a handsome fella, did you have to go quite that hard??
HB with short hair. For years, I’ve been telling him that his hair is better a bit longer. This week he cut his hair short, and he looks great. I told him it’s cos his face is less chonky than it used to be. It’s true. The man has been putting in the work. I told him he should stream his commentary on Twitch so you can all see his efforts, but I think we’re both scared you Mongrels will fall in love.
Ponchos. My beloved workmates told me that ponchos can be formal wear. Obviously they were taking the piss. Always one to take things too far, I bought a formal poncho. Jokes on them, I love it. Wearing it right now. Might go get my cowboy hat just to complete the vibe.
The Carpathia. Everyone knows about the Titanic because some dude made an expensive movie. BUT the real hero of the story was the ship that made a wild and unhinged dash to attempt a rescue. My Carlton loving friend keeps sending me videos from a little outfit called Ocean Liner Designs, where this cute fella called Mike Brady (who is the son of the dude that sings that Up There Cazaly song) talks about the Titanic and other ship-related things. He always starts them by saying “it’s your friend, Mike Brady” and for real, we love him so much it’s gotten weird.
Sharks. Specifically rotund sharks. Sharks with some heft. I’ve decided not to help anyone at my work unless they send me a picture of a chunky shark. And this leads me to the most important bit of the article, who I’m barracking for and why. Jaws plus Claws, baby. Dayne Zorko used to play for the Southport Sharks. It’s a SIGN.
This is now the Sharks vs the Swans. And we all know how much HB wants to dine on a swan – the man cannot stop talking about it, any more than I can refrain from waxing lyrical about seeing a fat shark ripple as it leaps glistening from the ocean…
(If someone can tell me why we can eat chickens and geese, but not swans, I’d appreciate it. They look tasty – HB)
Anyway, it’s team Lions for me. Sorry Sydney. Your colours are terrible. I can understand a woman in red pants and a white silk blouse, but that’s about it. You give nothing on the catwalk. If you disagree and have a nice red and white outfit, you should tag the Mongrel on Instagram and I’ll rate you and comment. That’ll make for a nice October with lots of confused stress for HB.
HB is loosely barracking for Sydney because I have taken Brisbane. So what do I get if Brisbane win? He just said he’d take me for a steak at Squires Loft when it opens in Sunbury. I told him, yes, but you were going to do that anyway. He said, yeah but I’ll let you get two sauces. WELL… I am sold. I shall assume dessert is included. However, since I handle the house budget, I’m also getting the new Starfield Shattered Space expansion and also probably some fancy nail polish. So c’mon the Lions.
I digress.
We’re here for football. I asked the Mongrels for some points for this Grand Final, as honestly, I have no idea what’s going on this year. Usually I am forced to watch footy as HB and I lived in a tiny house where I could not escape. But this year we moved and I am free! Mrs Mongrel is a free elf!
A Mongrel called Chris noted that Josh Dunkley had Matt Rowell in his pocket twice this year. I didn’t know what that meant, so I asked ChatGPT (cos my friends don’t care and can’t help). And ChatGPT said that it means that my darling baby footballer is being exploited and manipulated. And for that to happen twice, that Dunkley fellow is a scoundrel. I’d almost ditch the Lions for this, but really, it’s too late, I committed a whole paragraph ago.
Pre-Game nonsense
It has begun. I love this weird go around the oval in a ute business. It’s so Sweet Valley High homecoming. Ollie Dempsey has turned up wearing his mum’s sunnies. I like to think she told him off about his eye health and being sun smart before he went out, and he just gave up and agreed. As you all should.
HB is concerned, he is asking what is happening and saying “I don’t know any of these people!”
Here comes Mike Brady Snr, singing his song, and honestly he is BELTING it out. The man is 76 years old and we’re all pretty taken by him, aren’t we.
Oh shit. The pre-game entertainment is Katy Perry. And here she comes, riding in on a giant silver hand held vacuum cleaner. Well, that’s a choice.
She’s buff as. See her biceps? I truly believe that somewhere in her possession she has the eye of a tiger, ripped it right out without a second thought.
Her voice is just not doing anything for me. I mean, I say that as someone who sounds appalling and can’t sing a note. But Mike Brady smashed it. I feel bad for saying it, but Perry does nothing for me. Could it be because she’s not a smouldering husky voiced dude? Actually yes, that’s probably it. And she does have some great songs.
Hahaha what the hell is her outfit. She is wearing marshmallows on her legs but to be honest the shiny blue bra is pretty damn cool. Ooooh I actually like this song. Dark horse. It’s cool.
Don’t Buddhist monks wear orange? Tbh the dancers are giving out those vibes. I like them though, that should not be read as an insult.
I’m so confused right now. HB just asked if the stage is meant to be a 69, and I’m not sure. What are the pink dancers with goon bags on their heads? Since we are already in the gutter I say they are a sort of plug but HB says they are jellyfish.
HB comes out with, “You can see why they want this at night, yeah?”
Yeah, because if everyone was wasted this would be far more impressive.
Now he’s off on a conspiracy theory that the AFL chose something mid-range because they wanted to point out that day entertainment is a failure. Well. It’s only a failure when you are boring and have no vision. I’m not against Perry’s performance but to be honest it’s largely because I liked the giant silver vacuum.
Ah heck. For a moment I thought that the announcer said Tina Turner was coming out and I lost my shit completely. But then I confirmed with HB that she in fact died in 2023. Also she would have been 84 this year, so I’m not sure it would have been the best idea. But still, I’m so fucking disappointed. Europe really loves Tina Arena, but I really believe that if they hadn’t announced who she was, 90% of the viewers would have had NO clue. I did love that she rocked up in a fancy glitter dress with sneakers. Is that a thing now? Should be.
The highlight of the performance is easily Tina Arena running away off to the side. Like they had no idea how to get her off the stage so told her just to run like her life depended on it.
We need to talk about the CGI. Who green lighted this??? We all know that the rank and file were muttering about how stupid it was, so please, find the person who said ‘great idea’ and maybe explain how far technology has actually come. The weird portal with butterflies that the at home viewers were just exposed to was ridiculously bad.
HAHA, my stepdaughter just asked “who is Tina Arena?”
HB is bored so he is looking at Reddit. Someone apparently pointed out that the microphone looks… phallic. Well done Redditors. It sure does.
At the end of the performance, all the dancers fell over and died. Just like what was left of the AFL entertainment team’s credibility. Nah, just kidding, this screams of a 40-something Perry loving senior manager being involved. I’ve been around.
My buddy just asked me if any pre-game entertainment could possibly satisfy me, to which I say no. I cannot sing, I cannot dance, I certainly cannot play sports. Therefore, it is my right and responsibility to heap shit on those who do. In all seriousness though, I’m not sure if we’re doing entertainment right. Have you ever watched the NBA, where Red Panda, the plate juggling woman blows your mind? Or the male dance troupe that the Mavericks had… That’s the entertainment I will holler for.
OMG the AAMI missing ball ad was terrible until I saw they got Lee Lin Chin. She delivers on everything and is truly a national hero.
I’ve asked HB to tell me about the Lions. He’s pointing out that Harris Andrews is a unit but quite frankly, right behind him is Joe Daniher and he is RIPPED.
Dayne Rampe has a HEAD of hair on him. Do I want to touch it? Yes, yes I do. Maybe I should go for the Swans after all.
1st Quarter:
Our very own Peter Monagle has suggested I keep an eye out for the best Alice band. Challenge accepted. Honestly, I don’t understand what the difference is between an Alice band and a headband. First one has been spotted, Rowbottom. I’ve seen him three times now and each time I’ve asked ‘Who’s that! He has an alice band!’ I was overexcited I guess.
HURRAH, the man has bounced the ball.
Oh no. HB just pointed out who Josh Dunkley is. He’s a looker. He’s enough of a looker for me to forgive him for his poor treatment of Matt Rowell. And apparently he might have left the Western Bulldogs because he didn’t think they worked hard enough. I say might have because I wasn’t actually listening to HB properly.
Ha ha ha, a commentator has said ‘they’ love to go in low and hard.
Not off to the best start. Lachie Neale got a goal but apparently Charlie Cameron fell dramatically and so now Neale’s goal doesn’t count and Cameron gets a turn at goal. Ah crud. Cameron missed. Sad business.
James Jordon has been put on Danny Zorko, to hold him back. He’s dragging him away from where he wants to be. Zorko is close to being the best kick in the league, in my humble opinion.
Josh Dunkley got a free kick. HB a little surprised I know who he is. Lol.
My favourite man bun just kicked the ball straight into the stands. Careful there young one.
Joe Daniher and his moustache just took a mark. Everyone lost their marbles. He got a behind sadly, which is a troublesome business for this newly minted Lions fan.
Are there more Sydney supporters? Or are they just louder?
Darcy Wilmot just kicked the ball straight to a Sydney player. Oops.
I swear that the commentator just said that Luke Parker is behind Harris Andrews and wanted to put his finger in his butt. HB says no, I misheard and the commentator said finger in his back, but that makes no sense. He’s trying to explain, but I don’t want to hear it, I know how football works.
Zorko full on tripped someone but nobody seemed too worried.
Oh no. Papley just got a goal. He came off the bench and kicked a goal. Just casually, for fun.
HB talking about how Harris Andrews is too tall and can reach up higher than Luke Parker. But I think Andrews wouldn’t want to reach up and have his hands in the air if Parker is sneaking around his butt.
Kai Lohmann’s hair, omg. He’s glorious.
HB just said that Brisbane have been kicking badly all year. WELL HOW DID THEY GET TO THE GRAND FINAL??
Lohmann has a shot at goal. He’s like a cross between Sia and a LOTR elf.
He did it. Well done, little elven baby.
Little bit of trivia for me, HB just let me know that apparently last week Hipwood was celebrating and got too excited and gave Lachie Neale a black eye. I know full well that wouldn’t fly at my workplace. There would be ‘excitement’ black eyes all over the place.
Somehow, Lohmann just got a second goal. I have figured out who he looks like. Remember the movie Clueless? He looks like Breckin Meyer who plays Travis!
Everyone is leaping around. I get very stressed when the boys jump in celebration. I’ve hurt myself by just stepping off a curb before.
Joe just got a bit overexcited and kicked the ball out of bounds. He has lovely hair doesn’t he.
Parker missed everything from 10m out. I’ve done that, so I won’t be too critical. Poor man is dying inside as it is
Charlie just dropped the ball like a butter fingers. HB always tells me, watch the ball, let it come to you, blah blah blah.
Ohhh Joe just missed again. Got a behind. That’s very sad. Now there’s an ad for Chemist Warehouse, 50% off their vitamins. That’s good to know. Ladies, keep up with your calcium, iron and of course the D.
Joe just kicked to Sydney, something something, McCluggage picked it up and kicked a goal.
Grundy has cute pink shoes but they clash with his outfit. And this is what I mean. Red and white don’t leave a lot of room to move. Maybe I should have a Mrs Mongrel instagram handle where I can tag HB in all my nonsense. I should do that.
(Please… no – HB)
The Alice Band is out here ready to kick for goal. Omg he’s 24. He’s a baby. I’m glad he got a goal. Well done him. I hear his sister plays for the Suns, good choice lady. HB is raving about how talented his sister is. Takes a lot to impress HB (when it comes to footy) so she must be something.
HB is singing the praises of Harris Andrews, saying he thinks things through and doesn’t do dumb things. I feel like he’s saying that pointedly, as he did ask me this morning if we were going to have another day like yesterday. We will if he keeps saying things like that.
Charlie Cameron just got a goal. HB is convinced the crowd is trying to sing Take me Home, Country Roads, which I associate with Fallout. That isn’t any country road I’ve ever heard.
And that’s the first quarter. Harris Andrew has had 7 one-percenters in the first quarter alone. That seems good. HB really loves this Harris guy. Should I remind him he’s supposed to be supporting Sydney?
2nd Quarter:
After the quickest break ever we are back. Rowbottom just blocked the ball with his face. Classic Alice.
Warner did some amazing acrobatics, then shouted Fuck. We all know what you said there champ.
Lachie Neale just jumped in and right at the posts stopped a goal from happening. Very smooth.
Charlie took that smooth vibe, ate it, and kicked the ball into the crowd.
I don’t know where the Swans went but Brisbane just casually kicked things from person to person until Lohmann kicked another goal.
50m against Zorko. He’s scratching his head like he’s confused. I think he’s just a bit overly theatrical. Swans got a goal.
There’s an ad for chicken. Does chicken really need ads? Oh, it’s a Coles ad. Fair enough. The local IGA is almost always better. I can see why Coles needs ad space.
Hehehe, Hipwood kicked the ball in the most bonkers way, it sailed over the line, and then, dramatically, the ball bounced in and Joe tried his best to kick the ball in for a goal. He was swarmed by Swans, and it’s a behind. Poor old Joe.
What’s it called when swans attack? I know when they look mad it’s called busking. Any swan experts out there that can tell me?
Some guy I have never seen called Morris just leapt up and took a mark. He’s 19??? Oh my goodness, he’s a little bubba. Poor ducky got a behind. Still good.
Darcy Fort – he got a mark and for a moment he looked like Art Garfunkle. To be fair, I also have curly hair and sometimes, at the wrong angle, I have more than a passing resemblance.
Heeney mucked up a kick and it went to Lohmann. HB is beside himself. Lohmann went sideways and got a behind. Fair enough. Not everyone can have a 100% banana kick success rate (me. I’m talking about me, I have that).
(She has kicked one in her life, and then retired from kick-to-kick – HB)
Bodies bodies bodies, clunking around everywhere. But now Joe has the ball! Cmon Joe. You can do it!
HE DID IT! Good job Joe. I sort of wish they had two ads when there is a goal. It’s not long enough to run to the bathroom.
WHOA. Joe just grabbed the ball like an animal, shoving Grundy and his bun out of the way and kicked it straight to Ah Chee, and then somehow Callum kicked a goal. A commentator just called Joe Joey. I must protest, don’t do our man like that.
Sometimes when the players keep grabbing each other around the waist and swinging around it looks like a sophisticated but chaotic dance.
Charlie is built. Do you reckon they ever just pose in front of the mirror? I would. I’ve coveted Charlie’s arms for years. I’d flex constantly.
Cam Rainer got crunched by Grundy and he looks so so sad. He needs a mum hug.
Jarrod Berry just kicked the most straight goal I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen so many. I’ve watched at least one game every year since 2017.
Hipwood just got a goal. That was exciting, I especially like how he covered his mouth in mock surprise.
Ah Chee, surrounded by Swans, just somehow marked the ball. It doesn’t even make sense. There were Swans EVERYWHERE. He did it and now the Lions have a 41 point lead.
Some guy from Sydney just got a behind, then they cut to a fan in full face paint who had his eyes closed.
Morris has the ball again. Good job little fella.
He did it! He just got a goal! His first! Well done. Imagine kicking goals in a grand final at 19. At 19 I had no talent and even fewer skills.
Everyone is piling up on the ground. Sweaty man stacks on – to many of us, it sounds great in theory but nah.
3rd Quarter:
So, Luke Parker has been removed from Andrews and has been tucked into the middle. Will it change anything?
Peter Monagle has previously suggested that Brodie Grundy’s man bun might unravel. It hasn’t happened yet and there’s not long to go. I suspect he uses hairspray. The man knows what he’s doing.
Some dude shoved Andrews over the line in a very bodily way and it’s a point for Sydney.
Cunningham handballed to Lloyd and missed. They held hands after so I don’t think either of them are mad.
Sydney have like, 40 people down the Brisbane end. Does anyone count them? I think they are cheating.
HB says Brisbane are happy to soak up time now.
Cunningham has been done for holding Charlie. “Two arms around him” the commentator said. The best sort of friendly snuggle really.
He missed. That’s a bit of a shame.
The Lions are not giving any room here, they are just kicking and handballing from person to person like crazy.
OMG some guy is in a lion suit. And it’s a good one. I recall a lady was in impressive Cat garb one year and I really want that kind of effort. It’s amazing. HE HAS A MANE.
McInerney just knocked the ball to the Lions, Joe kicked it to Ah Chee, which was nice of him really. YAY another goal! Pay up HB.
McCartin gets PISSED, knocks the ball out of Joe’s hands after Joe takes the mark. Settle down fella. Joe misses. He’s unsettled now. Maybe he likes McCartin and wants to be friends.
Sydney 28. Lions 82.
Katy seems to be enjoying things, she’s tugging her dress down, as it’s super short. Katy, you gotta own it. I mean, it’s as low as it will go and I just saw your butt cheeks. lol
Zorko just ran into Heeney and HB is super impressed that I knew who Zorko was.
I’m glad Heeney got a goal. He used to look just like my ex’s sister and now he’s looking more like my ex’s sister’s non-existent brother. He’s come good.
Ashcroft got a goal, I have no idea who that is. HB reminded me he wrote a full article about him. I nod, like I read the article.
Oooo, I heard an umpire say ‘put your foot on the line or it’s 50’ and I have chills. I work with an ex-umpire and the day he first told someone off in front of me was one of my career highlights.
HB said the Brissie fans should be in party mode right about now. Is Brisbane nice? I don’t even know. He’s yet to actually take me to Perth, so Brisbane might be a while away.
WHOA, Cam Rayner just took a huge mark and it was great, loved it. Everyone else there was just ‘wait, what happened there’. Then he got a goal!
Poor old Joe just can’t catch a break. He’s got a point again. Better than nothing.
How come that poor bloke who hurt his shoulder last week doesn’t get a medal? He helped during the year, that’s just a shitty thing for the AFL to do.
Zac Bailey just dodged everyone like a boss. Morris has the ball again. He’s got a goal! Ooooer another chicken ad, this time for KFC. We don’t actually watch tv a lot so it’s exciting for us to see ads.
HB thinks Zorko is an animal. I asked what happens if Zorko bites someone, HB explained that he will be suspended and miss games at the start of the season.
Ah Chee got a goal. I can’t say what happened before that because I was literally fantasising about the drama that would happen if Zorko just chomped a Swan.
Anyway, I’ll pay attention now.
I’m wondering why we didn’t get to see an ad after the goal? HB says that’s because there’s only 20 seconds left.
Asking the big questions here.
Lots of falling over, about five players just got kicked in the head there. Ouch.
I just asked HB if Zorko bit someone and got suspended, could he still be in contention for the Brownlow next year because the biting happened in 2024? HB said at 36 he isn’t going to win the Brownlow. And that leads me to say, at 40, I now don’t feel bad about checking out Zorko and I’m annoyed I didn’t ask the thirsty Mongrels for a list of the over 35s to keep an eye on but we’ll do that next year.
I just told HB that and he laughed and said it’s Zorko and nobody else. Jaysus. What’s a filth monger like me supposed to do now?
He didn’t answer my Brownlow question.
Best ad at ¾ time is for the movie Venom. One day I’m going to leave work early and buy two choc tops and watch it.
4th Quarter:
Not much to say at this stage. One of our kids says that Sydney will make a comeback. Bless her. She’s going on a Maccas run for us.
Nick Blakey looks a lot like King Trevor from Tangled the series.
I asked HB if Sydney know they have lost. He said “oh yeah, this is just painful”.
Commentator said if Joe had kicked straight he’d be in contention for the Norm Smith. Lol.
Dunkley is wandering about, shaking his head and looking a lot like Glen Powell’s handsome brother.
Ah Chee missed and got a behind, right after the commentators wrote sonnets about him. They jinxed him for sure.
Missed what was going on there, my buddy, we’ll call him Aaron cos that’s his name, sent me pictures of his garden because I’m into that and I got distracted by what might be drought-tolerant plants.
Dane Rampe has now been in four losing grand final teams. That has got to hurt.
Warner steps up and kicks a goal. Magical, but too late buddy.
Did anyone see the logo in the middle of the field? It looked like a pokeball.
(She means the centre circle… which has looked that way FOR YEARS! – HB)
The Lions just put in a sub, I think to just give him a go. I am sad they didn’t name the guy who hurt his shoulder.
Teams should get two extras, for any players that gave their all but got injured in the final weeks.
Zorko just kicked wildly and found another Brisbane player, then somehow Lohmann came out of nowhere and ended up with the ball. He got a goal! Well done him!
Oooohhh an ad for Kevin Costner’s new Western. Yeah, I’ll watch that. Kevin Costner was amazing in Robin Hood. I wonder what Nic Cage is doing these days.
I hate when players stick their tongues out. Like they are trying to lick the crowd.
Parker got a goal. But it doesn’t do much because they have been left in the DUST.
Aw, Chris Fagan, never played AFL and is now about to win his first flag. HB there’s still time for you. I will consider moving interstate to help you follow your dreams.
(My dreams include sleeping in and eating chocolate… but I get upset because it is too expensive now. Five bucks a block on “special”? Screw that… – HB)
Parker just did it again. Another goal. HB just enthusiastically said “PARKER’S GOING NUTS!” I don’t know what to say. I appreciate he’s still trying hard.
Fagan is six years older than any other coach who has won a flag. That’s nice.
JOE! He got a goal! His second, oh well done him. HB lost his mind then. Joe’s mum and dad are elated.
Someone just called Zorko an old man. I take offence! Then again, my work friends now call me old and the elder millennial so I guess I embrace it now? I think this means they are now obliged to help me with my basic printing tasks, so that’s cool.
With a minute to go, I asked how can the Lions lose? HB said even if Brisbane kick goals for Sydney it’s still all over.
Aww heck, Oscar is SO happy for his friends, that’s wild. Someone give him a medal. He is such a cutie pie.
Ok, so Peter also suggested that Heeney would win the Norm Smith and broker a peace deal in the Middle East, but I think we all know that the best option is to threaten the entire region with Katy Perry and watch them scramble to find a solution. Del Griffith said that he was sure that Charlie Dixon would win. And to my ears that sounded totally reasonable. But it’s Will Ashcroft. Who I mentioned once in this review. I guess I see what others don’t, which in terms of sports… isn’t great.
It’s all over for another year, folks. Thank you for sticking with us, it has been a real pleasure reading your comments and watching you argue with each other. I love it when you call each other names and shout about Vic bias, and I especially love when one of you is wrong and you say ‘yeah fair enough, I’m a bit of a flog’.
Two armed hugs from your favourite non-footy fan.
Norm Smith: Will Ashcroft
Cutest on ground: Oscar McInerney (he went on after the game and it counts)
Potential for scandal: Dayne Zorko
Best what is happening here: Joe.
As always, massive thanks to those who support our work. It is a labour of love for me, and Mrs Mongrel puts up with a hell of a lot.
Like this content? You could buy Mrs Mongrel a coffee – she does like coffee, but there is no guarantee she won’t use it to buy a doughnut… or a scroll. Scrolls are good. Her work is not brought to you by Sportsbet or Ladbrokes… or Bet365, or any of them.
