Welcome to Day Three of The Mongrel Punt’s coverage of the 2024 AFLympic Games!
What a sensational day of sports we were gifted overnight. From fast finishes to shocking upsets, the biggest winners were the countless punters at home, tuning in to witness sheer greatness.
Read on for a comprehensive wrap of all the action spanning the first three days, as well as a detailed preview of the events still to come.
After a rocky start to proceedings saw the Games moved from the district of Collingwood at the eleventh hour out of fears of mass League-wide boycotting, paired with Hawthorn’s strict coital governance policy throwing the athletes village into a spin as an overabundance of condoms bearing the AFLympic seal are now stacked up in Damian Barrett’s office at AFL House, the opening ceremony went off without a hitch. In what is now viewed as a resounding success, Katy Perry kicked off festivities, with the pop icon and her entourage hitting the stage aboard a fleet of 100 Harley Davidson motorcycles, bellowing out a rendition of Meatloaf’s ‘Bat out of Hell’ that will certainly go down as one for the ages.
The musical action continued with legendary rocker, Angry Anderson leading a motorcade in his bright blue wheelchair, whilst bellowing out the inspirational verses of his 80’s hit ‘Bound for Glory’ Rounding out the action was Melbourne’s premiership captain, Max Gawn, lighting the AFLympic cauldron with a famed cigarette from his youth, to a rousing cheer from the local crowd as this year’s selected flag-bearers stood proud glorified legends in their fields, such as diving heroes Lindsay Thomas and Alex Rance and a number of famed Downhill Skiers representing Port Adelaide.
The first Gold Medal of the Games was won by Melbourne’s Kade Chandler for holding the fastest running sprint of the season. With EOC’s* Alwyn Davey Jnr taking the Silver and Sydney’s Tom Papley rounding out the winners with Bronze.
(*EOC being the Essendon AFLympic Committee – named-so due to historical allegations)
West Coast’s Liam Ryan, Collingwood’s Jeremy Howe and Melbourne’s Kozzie Pickett have all qualified for the final of the High Jump, whilst Port Adelaide’s Willie Rioli was unfortunately disqualified after mistaking the event, the crafty forward opting to jump high instead of high-jumping.
It was an impressively successful first day for GWS, unsurprisingly winning the Gold in Social Media performance in a landslide. Hawthorn tried their hand along the way, but ultimately could not hold a candle to the excellence of expansion. A second Gold was claimed by the Giants shortly after for Break Dancing.
Fremantle’s hopes of securing their first ever Gold Medal have been dashed as Nat Fyfe fell agonisingly short of qualifying in the Surfing. Equally disappointing in the Surfing was St Kilda, who were bundled out in the first round for failing to surf between the flags. A spokesperson from the club has blamed their subpar performance on poor preparations made back at home, with the club only having one flag to use.
After a 150-year history of navigating Shits Creek without a paddle, St Kilda are still heavy favourites to take home Gold in the Rowing final, which would end the 58 year drought plaguing the club.
The famous Marvel Stadium Scavenger Hunt has been won by North Melbourne, in what is being heralded as one of the feel-good stories of the games. The Club’s efforts to rattle tins and pass the hat around in a bid to afford participation in the games has been heavily rewarded with an early Gold Medal.
Gold Coast stumbled at the finish line of the Scavenger Hunt, after finding almost every item listed, missing only the elusive ‘Soul’ that still plagues coach Damien Hardwick at the Docklands precinct.
The Bulldogs also tasted Gold early overnight, taking out Gold Medals in Hammer Throw, Javelin and Shot Put, whilst going in favourites to any sport that specifically requires throwing.
Coach Luke Beveridge has also become the first ever playing-coach to earn a Gold Medal, taking out the League’s first ever Skateboarding Gold.
Geelong’s well documented refusal to participate in any contemporary sports has cost the side their chance at qualifying in events such as Break Dancing and Skateboarding. Spokesperson for the club, Sam Newman, voiced his concerns over such events ruining the tradition of the AFLympics, stopping narrowly short of begging the committee to return to more traditional and historical AFLympic sports such as Naked Wrestling, Tug-of-war, Croquet, Pigeon Shooting and Chariot Racing.
Despite Port Adelaide’s historical success in Downhill Skiing, Melbourne has won Gold in both the Skiing and Snowboarding events. This achievement made immensely more impressive given poor levels of snowfall at Mt Bulla this season severely hampered the Demons’ training and preparations.
Richmond have been forced to scramble for relevance after a shock retirement sees the Tigers farewelling their AFLympic legend, Dustin Martin, on the eve of the AFLympic Games. Martin, the only three-time Gold Medallist in AFLympic history, retires as one of the greatest cyclists to ever compete in the history the Games, with links to numerous Bicycle Clubs all around the world.
The team are in mourning
Hawthorn’s Jack Ginnivan will hope to back up last night’s Hockey heroics that saw he and Bailey Smith caught up in a celebratory scandal, with a further victory in the Diving. Many commentators see Cody Weightman as the only man capable of preventing Ginnivan from claiming the Diving crown.
In breaking news overnight, an investigation is set to be launched into Carlton, amidst explosive allegations of unethical payments being made to their athletes. The club stands accused of using shares in cardboard box companies and souvlaki franchises to pay their athletes. More to come.
The Archery final was held last night, with odds-on favourite in EOC’s Xavier Duursma taking home the Gold Medal, as expected.
In other expected results, Collingwood’s Scott Pendlebury is highly expected to fare well in these games. Having a renowned dual-sports background, the 400-gamer is set to have tongues wagging when his Fencing background gives him an unheralded advantage in the over-30’s Fencing finals.
Also making history, Jake Melksham and Stephen May are set to become the first athletes representing the same team to face off in a boxing final since Stephen May did so against Campbell Brown in the 2013 LA games.
West Coast and North Melbourne are tipped to compete in what’s sure to be a heated finish to the Climbing, with both clubs having spent the last few years battling and climbing up the ladder and out of the pits of mediocrity.
In other combat news, Toby Greene and Marcus Bontempelli are set to face off for the Gold Medal in Karate, with Greene’s ‘studs-out’ approach being named as the potential difference maker in the contest, IF Greene is able to remain subdued and not attempt intimidation on games officials.
Collingwood’s Beau McCreery is also favoured to finish well in the Wrestling heats, his club remaining tight-lipped on whether the grappling sensation’s mother will be called upon for another fabled pre-game address.
After bailing out of the Equestrian in its opening heats, Sydney’s immediate focus falls on the back of Dane Rampe, hoping that the backman can finish well in his Gymnastics qualifiers. No player since Hawthorn’s Daniel Harford has had as much success climbing the pole for Gold. The Club’s Equestrian failures are being blamed on a lack of proper preparation, stemming from only one Horse being available to the club.
As the night began to draw towards a close, young Crow, Riley Thilthorpe edged past Tom Hawkins and Sean Darcy in the Weightlifting qualifiers whilst Brisbane’s Dayne Zorko was forced to watch the Water Polo finals from the stands after his untimely reprimand and subsequent red-carding for repeated verbal attacks on opposition athletes.
And that’s all for this evening’s coverage. Join us another day for more riveting AFLympics results, predictions and medal tallies.