Ah, you didn’t know this about The Mongrel, did you? You didn’t know I have my eyes and ears around AFL House, did you? You thought I was just some bloke, five kilograms overweight, sitting on his couch, writing about footy?
Well, you’re right, but I do have a good imagination, and I can picture how events unfolded as part of the Charlie Cameron hearing last night, where his three-game suspension for tackling was upheld by a group of yes-men, or yes-women. Yes-people, perhaps?
This is how the discussion went at the AFL Tribunal, or in my mind, at least.
The AFL advocate walks back and forth in front of Cameron, menacingly eyeing the small forward. Charlie looks somewhat bemused. Have they not heard he is a good bloke? His moustache bristles… something’s up. It’s like the Spidey sense, only it tickles his nose and he doesn’t much like it.
AFL – Why didn’t you release the tackle, Mr Cameron?
CC – Because he had possession of the ball, and I was tackling him.
AFL – Indeed you were… tackling him into concussion, you bastard!
CC – I don’t think there’s a need for…
AFL – Damn right you don’t think. Had you thought, you wouldn’t be sitting here today, and we’d all be at home, eating caviar off our mistress’ feet!
CC – No, I’d be getting the kids ready for dinner, and…
AFL – Don’t try that crap on me, Cameron! We saw what you did. You tried to kill him with that tackle. Deny it! Why did you take an extra step?
CC – I didn’t.
AFL – You make me sick!. Looking at the vision slowed down to one tenth of a second per frame, it clearly shows you took three steps in the tackle, when two would have sufficed. In that time, you could have elected to throw the player to the ground, and figured out your family’s dinner order from Nandos – even the ones who don’t like the peri peri salt and prefer sweet potato chips? Why didn’t you take the time to think about bringing the player down to a seated position, Mr Cameron?
CC – I play football in real time.
AFL – That seems to be your problem, Mr Cameron, not mine. We have the aid of super slo-motion here, and it tells me you had all sorts of devious thoughts running through your mind while deciding how to tackle Mr Duggan. What’s next, Mr Cameron? Sex Predator? Is that where this is all leading to? Always talking about hard tackle and so on?
CC – … I don’t know what to say.
AFL – Of course you don’t! You’re not a highly-paid lawyer, ruining the game, like me! You’re a dumb footy ball man doing dumb footy ball things, or whatever it is you do. Did you think of letting one arm go?
CC – No. The AFL are now paying free kicks for holding arms, now, because the player can’t dispose of the footy.
AFL – Preposterous! We would never do that and send such a confusing message to our players, who we definitely respect and pay accordingly. Not as much as the execs, of course, but no pittance. Anyway, this just proves you’re a man of poor character.
CC – ….
AFL – Why did you land on top of him?
CC – Well, our feet became entangled and we both fell.
AFL – So, you admit to falling on him!!!
CC – Ummm, yes?
AFL – You Non-Victorian scum! You didn’t even provide a softer lamding for him! Not a pillow, or even his favoirite blanky! And did it cross your mind that tackling may not have been necessary?
CC – Well, no.
AFL – Oh, here we go. Please tell the tribunal why not?
CC – Well, because it is an important part of the game.
AFL – Yes… not for much longer, Mr Cameron… not for much longer. Tribunal, this man is evidently guilty of a dangerous tackle. Every syllable he speaks oozes the guilt of a man who has long ago abandoned the truth as a defence. If there are any other unsolved crimes in the state of Queensland, I’d be looking into this man and his recent dealings. He strikes me as a bad seed. I recommend his suspension of three weeks be upheld and if you’d like to add chemical castration to the sentence, nobody would argue, because it now appears that men aren’t permitted to play this game.
Laura Kane – Damn right!
Tribunal – Suspension upheld in line with the recommendation from the lawyers of the people who pay our wages.
AFL – Do you have anything to say for yourself?
CC – Can’t I bring in a biomechanist like everyone else does?
AFL – No, we don’t take notice of them, anyway. Get out. Bring in the next victim – that Bedford fellow. Three weeks is it? Let’s go for four!
Yeah… it went something like that.
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