For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: A failed last minute attempt to have Izak Rankine’s suspension reduced will see the Crows go down the cloning road in an effort to produce i-Zak 2.0
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: The role of Simba is set to be re-written as the story of Lachie Neale in the up-coming stage play of The Lion King – Brisbane’s Pride.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Patrick Cripps suggesting that the Brownlow criteria be changed to allow leniency is Elon Musk levels of rich.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Defensive options are Moore or less underperforming.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Even the rumours spread by the almighty stars above us of Dylan Shiel’s demise were greatly exaggerated – at least after quarter time last Friday.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: Seeing Adam Simpson on the back page cover of The Western Australian in place of Harley Reid is a welcome sight for all WA supporters.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: The annual discussions around the Cats playing home finals in Geelong will cease once the Cats stop making Finals every year.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The latest medicinal marijuana strain to hit the market, known to growers as “The Fuck” strain will have height development issues within certain greenhouse environments, encouraging investors and ambassadors to demand that their horticulturalists “grow The Fuck, up”.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Jazz music hits peak chart heights in Western Sydney this week as any sign of the Blues have been eradicated.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Jeff Kennett will use his Mitchell/Clarkson model as a proper example of how a handover should happen when discussing the current American political climate.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Melbourne fans sympathise with the harshness of Adam Simpson’s sacking as Eagles coach, being sacked after a 54 point loss in brutal in comparison to some of the triple-figure score lines that saw Melbourne coaches exited in semi-recent history.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: It was very ambitious of Gold Coast to think that Suns in any form would prosper in Melbourne during winter.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Zak Butters will suffer a severe neck strain from the excessive adorning of his Hypocrite of the Week award.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Richmond Shire will loan Gold Coast Council a fleet of street-sweepers in an effort to prevent them from getting a little too Dusty.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Logan McDonald will be named Mayor of St Kilda for the week.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Lionel Hutz will no longer represent Sydney players at the tribunal in the wake of Isaac Heeney’s suspension being upheld – Swans executives have been seen window shopping legal firms on Lygon Street.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: Change is on the horizon – a new flavour Whopper is set to be introduced at Hungry Jacks.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: Said Nay2Scray
Reading: Luke Beveridge’s ‘Media Personalities To Uppercut’ list getting shorter is coinciding with the length of his patience.
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